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Guest Marlon Phoenix

Warble Inquirer

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Guest Marlon Phoenix



Longest Dionae Name Registered


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


The citizen registry center of Tresja City on the planet Aweiji in the Waugshai star system has entered the record books today, as a dionae was given registration for its name which is currently the longest known name of its kind.

Solar Winds Buffeting The Barren World As The Thin Veil Of Atmosphere Buckles Before The Might of the Cosmos Rendering The Planet Forever Trapped Within The Coil of Oblivion In The Inky Black Ocean Of Space Which Contrast The Gentle Stroke Of Life Painting A Picture Of Serene Contentment And Desire To Cherish Of The Value Of Being In The Face Of The Poetic Imbalance Of The Universe That We Swim So Blindly Through Like Blossoms Floating Down The Stream To Our Inevitable Return To Oblivion.

When notified of the record breaking name SWBTBWATTVOABBTMOTCRTPFTWTCOITIBOOSWCTGSOLPAPOSCADTCOTVOBITFOTPIOTUTWSSBTLBFDTSTOIRTO said that they were pleased. As a small reward for the feat, the Council of Tresja have offered to give SWBTBWATTVOABBTMOTCRTPFTWTCOITIBOOSWCTGSOLPAPOSCADTCOTVOBITFOTPIOTUTWSSBTLBFDTSTOIRTO a commemorative token and free access to hydroponic facilities in the city. SWBTBWATTVOABBTMOTCRTPFTWTCOITIBOOSWCTGSOLPAPOSCADTCOTVOBITFOTPIOTUTWSSBTLBFDTSTOIRTO has also become a minor celebrity on the planet, with his name on everyone's lips. Several reporters have lost their voice having to repeat his name repeatedly during broadcasts.

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Ambassadors to Hold Meeting on Moghes for First Time


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


After much deliberation, the location of the upcoming Ambassadorial Meet has been agreed upon by both parties. Jargon Federation Representative Kautlois Hiluo-Q'luatop has insisted upon holding the meeting in the Hegemony capital.

Despite its status as capital of the Izweski Nation, Skalamar has never before been the meeting place of any diplomatic endeavor including delegates of species other than Unathi. Previous meetings between Lord Diplomat to Jargon IV Zakaius Izweski and the Representative have been held exclusively on the neighboring planet of Ourea in the city of New Skalamar.

This meeting also marks the first time these two will confer without the Human Representatives of the former Ourean government or current Ourean Overlord Tarkart Yiztek present.

When prompted for comment, Representative Hiluo-Q'luatop offered only blunt* responses.

"Relations between the Hegemony and Jargon Federation are taking great strides."

"[Conducting a meeting in] the capital city of Skalamar shows a level of acceptance, trust and [mutual] respect between both parties."

No official agenda for the meeting has been released, but the momentous significance of the occasion has rumors circulating.

*Translator's note: The phrase could also be translated as "unimaginative" or "dry" given its context in Skrellian language.

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Traversing Politics Once Again


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Roughly two years ago, Representative Traverses Through The Dank Ruins Of Fallen Cities In Solemn Memory Of The Bygone Days Of A People Whom Have Learned Much Through The Pain Of Loss announced that he would temporarily be unable to attend Federation events or perform political duties while once more traveling between ruins caused by the Third Incident.

It is well documented knowledge that Traverses Through The Dank Ruins Of Fallen Cities In Solemn Memory Of The Bygone Days Of A People Whom Have Learned Much Through The Pain Of Loss first obtained his status as a renown member of Skrell society shortly after his arrival in Federation space.

Once Traverses Through The Dank Ruins Of Fallen Cities In Solemn Memory Of The Bygone Days Of A People Whom Have Learned Much Through The Pain Of Loss had absorbed an understanding* of the Skrellian language, he began requesting information regarding the history of our species in great detail. Within weeks of his first meeting with a Skrell historian, he had begun visiting the memorials of the Third Incident and seeking to expand his knowledge of our culture. During this time of travel, he gained much acclaim for both his admirable endeavors to learn and the protective demeanor he had developed.

Within his political career, Traverses Through The Dank Ruins Of Fallen Cities In Solemn Memory Of The Bygone Days Of A People Whom Have Learned Much Through The Pain Of Loss has served the Jargon Federation effectively as a Jargon Federation Representative. The esteemed Dionae recently released a statement to the Grand Council announcing his return to ambassadorial duties. This statement has been released to the public today following Grand Councilor Jrugl's decision to approve the Representative's return to politics.

"Navigating the Qerrbalak ruins reminds me of why I do what I do. Why the people of this Federation are our most precious resource.


I feel I have reconnected with my roots. Now is the time that I must return to represent the Skrell."

It is unclear at this time which Entity of Interest the reaffirmed Representative will claim.


*Translator's note: In the context of its grammatical position and common usages within the Skrellian language, this wording is also expected to be interpreted as a literal drinking of the language (referencing the means through which Dionaea gain linguistic knowledge through the internal processing of blood samples) as well as suggest that the Dionae in question wasted little time before acting on this knowledge.

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Guest Marlon Phoenix



Izweski Noble Arrives in Jargon; Representative Kautlois Welcomes Cultural Exchange


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Jargon Federation Representative Kautlois Hiluo-Q'luatop has welcomed

Prince Z'krazki Izweski who disembarked from his shuttle in Kal'lo, Jargon IV just hours ago. He arrived with two Guwan Guards that make up his protective detail along with a small contingent of assistants. The 16 year old Unathi is the youngest of the Izweski noble family. Sources say that when Kautlois was made aware that this was the first time the young Unathi had left Izweski space he became extremely excited, giving the following gushing announcement to reporters on the visit:

"Our dialogue with the Unathi has lead to them seeking new investments in the culture of the Federation. I'm interested to see how this young Prince takes our hospitality. The reason for the visit has been cited as the opening of a cultural exchange between the Izweski and the Federation. His mother, First Wife of the Hegemon, sent her son because she wanted him to be exposed to our culture."

The schedule for the young prince's visit is said to be extremely busy. Kautlois will be personally showing Z'krazki several museums across Jargon IV. In addition they are scheduled to listen to several Skrellian Symphonies in the Zeshblook Opera House, with the celebrated composer Weis Heilo-Tup arranging to compose a movement for the Prince. In addition, the Prince will be shown the preserved ruins around Jargon IV that stand as reminders of the conflicts and losses suffered during the Glorsh Rebellion.

The Extranet is buzzing with citizens across the Federation excited about the state visit, and social media has become enamored with the young prince as we all wish him a safe stay in the Federation.

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Summit Brings High Hopes to All but Usurpers


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


The Summit between the Jargon Federation and Izweski Hegemony has come to a close, but political cooperation seems to only have just begun. The time and location of the Summit was chosen before the death of Hegemon Heir Yakt Izweski rendered Hegemon S’kresti Izweski grief-stricken. With Hegemon succession procedures still under debate, it was unclear which of the originally chosen Jargon Federation Representatives would attend the event. As reporters were escorted into the Mendell Convention Centre, it became clear that under representation was not among the Federation's concerns.

According to Representative Kautlois Hiluo-Q'luatop, word of Hegemon Prince Not'Zar Izweski's involvement in the Summit sparked a dramatic increase in interest to the already monumental meeting. Measures had to be taken by Tau Ceti hosts to accommodate six Federation politicians including Representative Hiluo-Q'luatop, Representative Quax'lin Rolfpt-Lriosh, and even Grand Councilor Weashbi Jrugl himself. The statements given by these individuals, Hegemon Heir Izweski and the esteemed nobility who accompanied him suggests that progress has been made to engender growth between their political bodies and the people they represent. As Representative Kautlois Hiluo-Q'luatop states:

"Through vigilance and action, destruction at the hands of synthetic units can be avoided. By progressing forward together, we can be sure that all organic life is protected."

This sentiment of understanding and cooperation was clearly present among both groups. Such can be seen in a statement given by Heir Not'Zar Izweski.

"I've always been fascinated by their history. We have a lot to learn from them and I really hope I can continue our dialogue. Their experience at the hands of Glorsh is something Unathi can learn from and it really gives me a new perspective."

When questioned on his attendance, Grand Councilor Jrugl cordially expressed his approval of the warming relations between the two nations.

"This Federation is glad to conduct diplomacy with the Hegemony and has nothing but respect for the Hegemon and his legitimate successors."

Sadly, these ideals of growth were not shared by Lord Regent S'linzar Ickza. Ickza, previously considered to be a loyal follower of Hegemon S’kresti Izweski, quickly began making claims to the Hegemon's position within mere hours of the late Heir Yakt Izweski's funeral. During the days leading up to the Summit, S'linzar Ickza was attempting to ordering esteemed members of Izweski society to step down. Among those Ickza sought to depose were many vital organizers of the Hegemony's scientific community, government and military. After failing to quietly force the resignation of a number of dissenting officials, S'linzar Ickza has directly challenged Heir Not'Zar Izweski's right to lead.

Federation Representatives were reached to for comment on Ickza's actions and had much to say. Representative Kautlois Hiluo-Q'luatop, whom takes the Izweski Hegemony as his Entity of Interest, in particular was more than willing to speak to reporters on the situation of Moghes and Ourea.

"The Unathi as a people are inherently proud and loyal. It us unusual for so many to cower before a figure with so little legitimate power."

The Representative was promptly asked to comment on Lord Admiral Trazarial Yizarus, who publicly denounces Ickza's attempts at intimidation.

"The Lord Admiral of the Hegemony's first fleet. The only Unathi to have Hegemony ships exchange fire with Skrell vessels. The Lord Admiral who lead Unathi against Human frontiersmen as recompense for sabotage. By Unathi definitions, he is strong. By Unathi definitions, he is loyal. His presence dissuades foreign aggressors. Lord Admiral Trazarial Yizarus' defense of the Izweski Hegemony lineage shows his moral fortitude. The Unathi who break their word and serve Ickza show uncharacteristic weakness. "

When asked about Skrell experimentation on Ourea, Representative proved to be just as talkative.

"This experimentation was originally meant to be a matter of discussion during this summit. I hoped to speak to Hegemon Izweski personally when it was explained to him.

Subjects were largely volunteers hoping to help science progress. The term 'lobotomy' is heavily stigmatized and not entirely accurate. While jarring to some, these "chips" would have been installed on individuals who were a direct threat to the safety of the intergalactic community rather than 'lobotomize' the Unathi as a race. Researchers were introducing experimental elements to pacify aggressive outlier factions. It was similar in premise to the "loyalty implants" which some employers produce.The experiments themselves were a sign of great scientific leaps forward for all species, and their cessation is regrettable.

Presently, many Humans seem to see very little distinction between Hegemony Naval forces and rogue Unathi raiders. This technology could have combated such stigmas and limited the damage done by raiders such as the dishonorable Captain Zyiuz Sitraz. This Representative suggests the Hegemony take better precautions regarding its domestic aggressors and criminal elements. Evidently they are capable of damaging all aspects from the Hegemony's image to their governmental structure."


Following promising declarations of solidarity from both sides of the summit, it is clear that relations between the Izweski Hegemony and the Jargon Federation have improved. Time will tell whether this will prove to be a trend with the Izweski Hegemony or a memory to the Ickza Hegemony.

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Pluat System Rejoins Federation: Jrugl Elaborates


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Grand Councilor Weashbi Jrugl ended today's meeting of the Grand Council with an unexpected announcement.

"After several days of deliberation, the decision has been made to allow for an expansion of the Grand Council's membership. These additions will be chosen from the current citizenry of the Pluat system."

By extending the Grand Council to include members from Pluat, Grand Councilor has confirmed rumors that negotiations have been reopened between independent systems and the Jargon Federation. Jrugl called for his afternoon press conference to be extended and used the extra time to elaborate on the situation. During this conference, the Grand Council opted to speak in one of the many Human languages.

"Foreign entities may need this explanation, so I will deliver it in Tau Ceti Basic, a language many members of the galactic community understand.

Following the Third Incident and the ensuing destruction, the majority of systems under Skrell influence were without effective means to communicate with one another. As Nralakk rebuilt, it also reopened trade and communications between these systems. Many saw the importance of cooperation. These systems were slowly integrated into stellar politics, whereas a subset of systems insisted on retaining their independence from Nralakk for a variety of reasons.

The city of Tresja was the site of the Tresja Agreement, in which many of these systems were officially recognized as part of the Jargon Federation. Pluat's leaders chose not to attend. "

No official statements regarding the independent systems have been released to the public for over sixty years, and many are wondering if this annexation will lead the other systems to follow Pluat's example. With the system's government now officially aligned with the Jargon Federation, it is believed that the Jargon Naval forces patrolling the borders between Pluat and the rest of Skrellian space will gradually be reassigned to other duties.

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Human Relations:Reaching New Highs


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


As near constant communication between the Jargon Federation and Sol Alliance has become the norm, similar trends have taken hold with many independent human governments. Correspondence continues to be the most consistent with The Alliance of Sovereign Solarian Nations for which the federal Representative system was first formed, but the recent surge in political activities within The Federal Republic of Biesel and the Tau Ceti System has resulted in a migration of ambassadorial officials to Human systems further from Earth. Federation sanctioned Representatives continue to conduct regular meetings with ambassadors of The Serene Republic of Elrya as well as The Eridani Corporate Federation on such a regular basis that several Representatives have chosen to focus solely on relations with these entities.

This continued specialization of ambassadors has also resulted in a notable increase in diplomatic communications with several independent frontier systems. Bureaucrats from the relatively populous frontier planet Foreau alone have publicly invited multiple officials from Nralakk to attend upcoming Yearly Founding Ceremonies. When reached for comment, Representative Quax'lin Rolfpt-Lriosh was happy to give her thoughts on the growing political scene.

"Skrell and Humans have been cooperating since the moment we found each other. Keeping contact exclusive to just one group would limit our understanding of the Human race just as significantly as it would limit their understanding of the Skrell.

Less influential planets of the Human frontier are often given little voice beyond their own orbit. Foreau has proven to make itself an exception by making contact with Jargon diplomats on their own accord.

I would be happy to attend Foreau's Yearly Founding Ceremony. Familiarity brings us all closer together. "

Foreau has historically had a warm relationship with the Federation due to its proximity to Jargon borders. Its fair weather and expansive oceans have made it a popular destination for Skrell seeking to gain experience with Humans without travelling to farther locations such as Earth or Biesel. As more individual attention is placed onto individual planets and systems outside of the Federation, politicians are becoming increasingly optimistic regarding relations between the Skrell and Humanity.

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Guest Marlon Phoenix



Qlip Tr'zool Given Award For "Most Emotional Scene in Skrell Cinematic History"


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


In the Glozorshi Awards, a Skrell-centric version of humanity's Oscar, the Skrell actor Qlip Tr'zool was awarded with the "Greatest Actor of The Decade" prize, which was met with thunderous applause in the awards hall. This extremely prestigious award is, as the name would suggest, only eligible to be won by an actor every 10 years. He was also given awards in "Best Lead Role" and "Jargon Favorite" due to his prestigious skills and resulting popularity with Skrellian cinema fans.

The award itself comes after Qlip's lead role blockbuster hit "The Expedition: I" as Captain Ylul'Tup of the Federation exploration vessel S'Trlip. In the movie the vessel is equipped with an experimental 'Greenspace' drive that transports Tlul'Tup and the vessel to deep space outside the milky way and chronicles their attempts to get home in the face of malfunctions, monsters from deep space, and traitors in the ship. In the pivotal climax of the movie Tlul'Tup is grappling with the death of his First Mate Gluio after their EVA walk ended disastrously after they were attacked by a space carp migration, knocking Gluio off the hull and forcing Tlul'Tup to retreat to the airlock. In the scene, Tlul'Tup is sitting in the Captain's chair. Dramatic music is playing as he slightly furrows his brow and admits in utter anguish to the bridge crew: "The unfortunate incident that just transpired may have been in part to my own decisions." After leaving the shocked bridge crew Tlul'Tup exits to the EVA storage and dons an experimental Tup Commando hardsuit module. The movie ends as Tlul'Tup goes to an airlock and gazes out of the small window to deep space before the credits play, indicating a sequel.

Skrell viewers are said to have erupted into applause after the movie ended. With an opening weekend of 183 million credits the film has broken Jargon records for highest grossing film of all time, beating the last record-holder "The Tup Chronicles".

The explosive success has made Qlip a rockstar in Federation space and social media has reacted with near unanimous support for his award. One gushing fan told our reporter, "I highly agree with the decision made by the Glozorshi committee. It's logical that he would be the primary choice."

Qlip's success has unfortunately not translated into human space. One human critic wrote in their review, "I don't get it. In the scene he talks in a completely monotone voice and his facial expression doesn't change it all. It's like he was reading his lines from a phone book. Then he just gets up, puts on a hardsuit, and stares out a window for three full minutes."

Skrellian responses have taken several jabs at the critical human responses to the show, suggesting that humanity remains incapable of grasping the nuances of Skrellian emotional ranges.

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Oldest Skrell in Universe Celebrates 551st Birthday


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Reporters flocked to the residence of Yulnop-Regluk Dohrmi‘Xyla today to wish him a happy birthday. While medical professionals were not initially enthused by the display, special accommodations had been made to his lodgings in upper Gialok to afford the venerated citizen the opportunity to speak with multiple reporting agents simultaneously. Yulnop-Regluk proved to be in good spirits on this anniversary of his life, taking time to make light hearted commentary on his physical state.

“Medical science has truly made wondrous strides over the last millennium,” he jived to his guests. “My one regret is that I was the one to be afforded such longevity.”

For the last century of his life, Yulnop-Regluk Dohrmi‘Xyla has seen his health deteriorate from a state of relative normalcy to an existence of nearly constant physical stress.

“The Human term is agony. By living far beyond the natural threshold of living for our species, we are effectively extending certain stages of our life. What was once a short term of extreme pain is now prolonged for those who make it this far.

Several doctors have conducted tests in the hopes of discerning whether this existence is as severe as the near-death sensations of Skrell who naturally meet their end at younger ages. I would treasure the chance to answer this question for them, but my own descriptions are arbitrary and idiosyncratic. Having never experienced the morbid luxury of an early death myself, I am incapable of appropriately comparing such sensations.”

Yulnop-Regluk Dohrmi‘Xyla has made a concerted effort to document his thoughts during this late stage of his life, and rumors have surfaced that he may release portions of his memoirs prior to his death.

“My longevity has once again become a matter of amusement to my caretakers as well as myself. I believed I was quickly fading decades ago, and wrote several short works to be released after my passing.

Rather than moving on quietly, I survived long enough to witness the discovery of multiple sapient species. Each one has proved to be an amusing experience worthy of commentary, and so I continue to write.”

As the first Skrell to achieve such a long lifespan, Yulnop-Regluk Dohrmi‘Xyla has reluctantly accepted his position as a popular figure of Skrell society. He has had personal meetings with multiple artists and politicians and has even served as a reference for several cinematic works.

“I will continue to be either useful or talkative for as long as I am able. As you [younger individuals]* never cease to request the insight of this relic, I am beginning to fear that I may even outlive myself.”

Yulnop-Regluk Dohrmi‘Xyla graciously excused reporters after several minutes, ensuring the group that he looks forward to seeing them at least once more.


*Translator's note: The exact phrase Mr. Dohrmi‘Xyla used was actually an expression derived from one of Sol Common’s many root languages. The phrase directly translates to mean “small children born to parents out of wedlock.” It is believed that his intention was for the phrase to be interpreted as a term of affection.

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Tups Mobilized: Director Gives Statement


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Following the recent actions taken on the planet of Bursa, Director Qroisht Tup has taken the opportunity to release an official statement to the public. Today, the Grand Council allowed for reporters to enter facilities as the Director of the Tup Commandos gave his account of the events leading up to and including the operation on Bursa.

"The Lii’dra invasion of Elyran space was cause for alarm to the entirety of the galactic community. Representative Tlaki’Qeblios promptly arranged for a personal meeting, which I accepted. He explained the plight of the Elyran people. I began fulfilling my duties as Director of the Tups by mobilizing the Commando Division."

"Due to the high profile nature of this operation, certain details must be made known to the Grand Council as well as the public. Three teams were assembled for the sole purpose of eliminating a lesser Queen of the Lii’dra located within relative proximity to their Hiveship. These teams were designated Abbas, Ghassan, and Ghadir. They numbered twelve, nine and seven respectively. Extraction was conducted for teams Abbas and Ghassan via stellar vessel shortly after mission completion.“

The Director opened the forum to questions, which were plentiful among the attending Councilmen. Among the first points mentioned was the decision to designate each team with names outside of typical Skrell naming convention.

“The operation was conducted within Elyran space to lessen the loss of Human life. Utilization of Human given names as call signs was deemed appropriate.”

Discussion then shifted to the teams themselves as Qroisht Tup expanded upon the casualties, extraction methods, and assignments of each group.

“Abbas conducted deep infiltration, going as far as to neutralize the Lesser Queen. As the situation progressed, teams Ghassan and Ghadir engaged opposing forces. Recovery operations were realized with the combined efforts of Abbas and Ghassan. Ghadir ensured members of each team achieved extraction before pursuing exfiltration. Final standing force was seven for each squad with the exception of Ghadir, numbering two. Casualties were below projections.”

Representative Tlaki’Qeblios opted not to attend this meeting of the Grand Council, bringing his role in recent events to question. Critics have stated that the speed at which the Commandos deployed suggests that Tup forces may have arrived in Elyra before receiving approval from the Grand Council. While both Tup forces and Jargon sanctioned Representatives are considered autonomous entities, the two have historically conducted minimal cooperative actions. Internal review procedures, while not yet announced, may be underway to decide if Representatives claiming the Republic of Elyra as their Entity of Interest overstepped their boundaries by lobbying to Director Qroisht Tup directly.

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Guest Marlon Phoenix




Representative To Adhomai Suspended For "Deeply Insulting Rant" Against Tajara Ambassadors

Editors note: Translated to Basic.


In an otherwise unremarkable event in which Adhomai officials from the People's Republic of Adhomai were made guests of a diplomatic dinner in the Federal Capital of Kal'lo, has now been universally called a disaster. The event was meant to solidify relations with the war-troubled Tajara people and allow attending Jargon officials to offer advice and guidance to the young stellar nation. However, the entire affair has now been called a major diplomatic incident by Jargon pundits and officials.

Social media has been thrown into a tizzy as the Federal Representative to Adhomai Weigleio Trislao'qlis was caught making an unguarded comment on camera after the dinner had ended. In the video she is seen speaking to Deputy Representative of Adhomai Huilo Qu'tup, where she dropped the statement that has been described by some shocked social media users as 'concerning.'

In the video Trislao'qlis is asked by her Deputy how the dinner and talks went. The Representative then gave the unbelievable condemnation of the visiting Adhomai officials by responding, "they were quite rude."

Chief Director of the Jargon Diplomatic Corps, Yui-Kal'lo, announced that Representative Trislao'qlis would be "unceremoniously suspended for her deeply insulting remarks to what were respected guests."

He then elaborated on the reasoning for the suspension.

"We understand that the Tajara are just barely entering infancy on the galactic stage. We are such an old, venerated galactic presence and we must project a sense of parental guidance to the youngest members of our galactic community. We had no intention of hurting the feelings of the Tajara people."

The visiting Adhomai officials, Murauzkaun Rjazkaul and Yumraza Mrzura, seemed unaffected by the original insult, no doubt unable to understand the nuances of Skrellian language and subtext. After the Chief Director pulled them aside to impress upon them the implications of the diplomatic slight and extended an apology for hurting their feelings the two officials then took on a more suitable demeanor of annoyance, no doubt justifying the Chief Director's decision to suspend the former Representative to Adhomai.

The People's Foreign Ministry of Adhomai has no remarked on the incident, but Adhomai Ambassador Rjazkaul was seen on camera after receiving the explanation and apology from the Chief Director. The Ambassador was heard saying "that was ridiculous."

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Guest Marlon Phoenix



Chad "Danger" Supreme.

1986 Earth Sports Film Unearthed: Makes Waves Across Federation

Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Archaeologists on Earth recently uploaded a cache of old-Earth films dated between 1985 - 1994. These films were found in an abandoned BlinkBlaster video store in near-mint condition. The films were in an extremely primitive "VHS" format, with the entire films stored in clunky rectangle boxes. The exact meaning of VHS remains lost to time, but the contents of one film in particular has created massive interest from Skrell.

The Battle of Supreme Mountain, a 1986 sports film, follows the protagonist Todd Reagan, as he moves to a small town next to a ski resort owned by the father of the primary villain, Chad "Danger" Supreme. Todd attempts to ski but is refuted by Chad, who tries to run him off the slope, declaring that only he can run the "dangerous" slopes, at least until his father demolishes the resort to build a new office building. Todd keeps his composure and leaves, but resolves to defeat Chad after Chad's girlfriend discreetly assures him that Todd is "cool". After meeting a sage mentor who teaches Todd how to improve his skiing skills, and making several friends along the way as he learns to grow up, Todd returns and challenges Chad to a skiing competition, with the winner taking control of the ski resort. During the skiing competition, which draws a massive crowd, Todd manages to win with the help of his friends and using the skills learned from his mentor, despite the efforts of Chad to cheat.

In the end, Todd wins the contest and frees the skiing resort from the evil Supreme family, and Chad's girlfriend breaks up with him to date the victorious Todd, who takes up a life skiing. Dejected and defeated, Chad and his father leave the town in disgrace as the entire town shows up to celebrate their departure.

The film was originally uploaded in its entirety on the archaeologists public website, OldEarthArchaeology.sol. The website was rendered inoperable after receiving 603 million visitors within a 48 hour time span after the film was originally picked up by Federation media. The film has since been copied and re-mastered, and is currently being played in over 400 theaters across Federation space, with an entire film festival planned to be dedicated in its honor with members of the Grand Council in attendance, many of whom are advocating it be placed in the Grand Archive, amongst other works of cherished art.

Weishizi Queya, a film critic, provided his summary.

"The situation in which Todd must use the support structure of his friends is a notably emulation of Skrell culture, and its presence in an ancient human film is fascinating. The scene in which Todd does a sick flip, causing Chad to finally fathom the depths of his failure, is effective in portraying the strengths of ceremonial competition over brute force."

Representatives to Earth arranged to have the film played for Earth dignitaries and researchers as part of the on-going cultural exchange. During the viewing, Representative Quayi Asheali'alip recorded several reactions from the human attendees that she then provided to Xeno-Linguists for proper syntax and appreciation, as she stated she is unaware of the implications behind comments such as "It was alright. Not sure what the big deal is.", which was revealed to be an expression of polite indifference, and "Oh Christ." Which was revealed to be an expression of surprised dismay.

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Review of the Diplomatic Corps


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


During the weeks following the formation of the Jargon Diplomatic Corps, Chief Director Yulix-Kal’lo

* and his assistants have interviewed dozens of recognized Representatives and held multiple politicians to temporary suspension pending review. The Corps itself was formed as a response to the concerns raised following the completion of Tup actions on the Elyran planet of Bursa. Earlier this week, the Chief Director of the Jargon Diplomatic Corps ended the Procedures of Review for Representative Tlaki’Qeblios with his own synopsis of the department’s founding.

“As interviews revealed, Director of Tup Forces Qroisht Tup had conducted face to face meetings with multiple sanctioned Representatives prior to the actions of the Lii’dra within Elyran space. This pattern led the Director to seek the Party Facing Review of his own accord. From information provided, it is to be concluded that the Director was conducting his own reviews of multiple Representatives.

At no point did the Party Facing Review cause harm to his Entity or his Federation through his actions.”

With this ruling, Representative Tlaki’Qeblios was allowed to continue pursuing diplomatic cooperation within The Serene Republic of Elyra. As the Grand Council continues to closely observe the actions of this newly founded group, Chief Director Yulix-Kal’lo remains stalwart in his assertions that Director Qroisht Tup’s private interviews signify a demand for the continued operation of the Jargon Diplomatic Corps. Although the Director himself could not be reached for comment, he has released official statements to the Grand Council attesting to the validity of our Federation’s newest tributary.

These first months are critical for the fledgling Corps as the Grand Council considers whether it will endorse its ongoing activity. The Diplomatic Corps has been issued an estimated forty cases to review despite its low number of investigatory staff, leaving many analysts to wonder if this hastily assembled team can keep pace with the dispersed Representatives and political persons of interest of this Federation.


*Translator’s note: Errors on the part of our Translation Team resulted in a misprint of Chief Director Yulix-Kal’lo’s name in previous articles. The party at fault has been allowed temporary leave to reflect on their actions.

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Biesel Representatives Claim Disinterest


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


For the first time in the history of the Federation Representative system, Representatives have opted to void their Entity of Interest without naming a preferred Entity. A small ring of sanctioned Representatives to the Federal Republic of Biesel and the Tau Ceti System have approached the Grand Council with notices of extended leave.

Following misguided legislative actions on the part of Biesel’s governing body, these Representatives had remained hopeful that rough waves would smooth with time. With the decision to temporarily cease trade with Tau Ceti, they continued to hold onto the belief that the system was capable of making sound decisions if left with their own devices. This optimism appears to have given way as they state that their efforts would be better utilized anywhere other than the Tau Ceti system.

Prominent Representative to the Republic of Biesel Lioquix Jrugl-Wliesh has voiced his understanding and displeasure with the leaving diplomats.

“Their decision to cease diplomatic conversations with Biesel is unfortunate, but not unexpected.

These individuals gave much of their focus to establish healthy relations with the independent Human system. They have seen notable progress. Recent developments in the Cetian capital caused these brave individuals to question the validity of this system’s workings. This is temporary. The disinterested individuals will continue to assist other entities in the future. They will eventually see their time was not wasted. The beings of this system are capable of learning from history and contributing to the stellar community.”

Following the shift in focus of the disinterested diplomats, only three Jargon Federation Representatives currently claim the Republic of Biesel as their Entity of Interest. These remaining three continue to travel throughout the Tau Ceti system with the exception of Representative Lioquix Jrugl-Wliesh, who has opted to remain firmly grounded in Mendell City proper.

Chief Director of the Jargon Diplomatic Corps Yulix-Kal'lo has taken this opportunity to share his own thoughts on the matter, claiming that the situation in Mendell City shows the need for the Jargon Diplomatic Corps. He asserts that there must be some form of repercussion when a trusted official maliciously damages the reputation of their home, and vows to remain vigilant for similar transgressions within the ranks of the Jargon Federation Representatives, disinterested and otherwise.

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Councillors Decline Museum of Solidarity


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Media outlets across the Jargon Federation have been set abuzz by statements given by the newest additions to the Grand Council. For the past week, discussions have been underway regarding several topics which many Skrell feel passionate about, but two Councillors from the recently annexed system of Pluat demand special attention.

Deliberation tensed after several Councillors presented their plans for the establishment of a memorial museum. This museum would feature relics from the Era of Synthetic Oppression and tell stories of survivors from across the various worlds of the Federation. After a reading of the proposed legislation, each Councillor was invited to share their thoughts on the matter, resulting in a series of impromptu speeches. During this time, Councillor Wirat’Pluat voiced her displeasure.

“I disagree with the plans which have been drafted and presented this day. Many of the relics which are named by this document are privately owned or already a part of existing memorials in the system of Pluat. My mother’s father’s mother was an engineer before the Era of Synthetic Oppression. She chose to use her abilities to assist members of the rebellion. She and many others died so that their children’s children might one day know freedom. I respect the attachment many must feel for the relics their family has passed down, and I resent the prospect of citizens losing such heirlooms at the order of a Federation which has only recently chosen to recognize them.”

This was quickly followed by charged words from Councillor Nrilt-Jrugl.

“I understand that this time period means many things to many people, and I appreciate the effort which has been put forth by the members of this Grand Council. The construction of a Museum of Solidarity is a commendable initiative to be taken by future generations.”

After a short recess, the Grand Council continued previous discussions on reclamation efforts and population growth. The Jargon Diplomatic Corps has yet to comment on the actions of any Councillors during this session. Migration into and out of Pluat has been open for nearly a month, and dozens of Pluat natives have been approved for travel outside of Federation space. The Jargon Federation has been working to better assimilate Skrell from the system of Pluat, but our Grand Council has reminded us that there is still healing to be done.

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Wharf Waves to Play Zeshblook


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Extranet sites and news outlets alike are raving in support for the latest news from Zeshblook Opera Hall. To the surprise of many, the venue has announced that they will be hosting a concert for the band, “Wharf Waves” in the coming weeks. The band consists of four youths from the frontier planet of Foreau and has been experiencing a recent surge in popularity due to their stellar performance at the planet’s Yearly Founding Ceremonies. Several Jargon officials were present for these ceremonies, including Representative Quax'lin Rolfpt-Lriosh, who eagerly offered her congratulations to the group with a public statement. “I am pleased to see art from such a small system being recognized on a stellar scale. Talent is without border.”

Direct correspondence from the Hall has confirmed that the venue is reserving several hundred tickets to the band’s Jargon debut. Zeshblook spokesperson Quriil Qrr’zip explained that this decision was made solely for the comfort of the band members.

“These talented youths are accustomed to performing for crowds of intoxicated or otherwise impaired humans from their region as well as Skrell tourists. By ensuring there will be a large number of Humans close to the stage, we allow Wharf Waves to be within their element. This is just one of several precautions we have taken to secure the concert’s success. Also there will be a bar. Three drink minimum.”

Wharf Waves agreed to interview with several Jargon anchors shortly after the announcement was made. A transcript of the first portion of their interview with Anchor Rilaat Quinl can be read HERE.

Interviewer: “I am Anchor Rilaat Quinl. Today I am joined by retro revivalist rock musical group Wharf Waves. I have been aware of you for some time, but others may not know you. Introduce yourselves along with your roles. ”

J. Oscar: “Fine then. I’m Jean. I do vocals. I also play the guitar. ”

D. Radev: “Dimka Radev. I play the guitar.”

G. Qrr’nuat: ”Glyazi Qrr’nuat. I play bass and other guitars.”

J. Shen: “I’m June Shen. I play the drums. Vocals sometimes.”

Interviewer: “Very good. Your band has found much success in Foreau. So much that now you have the chance to play in Jargon. How has this been?”

J. Oscar:“If I’m honest, it’s pretty tops. We been playing around at home for long enough. Feels right to get on and out, really.”

Interviewer: “Would you say you have been waiting for this opportunity?”

D. Radev: “I wouldn’t say we’ve been waiting for it. No. I play because I like to, and I feel like all of us would keep playing music even if we never made it big.”

Interviewer: “That is a great attitude for musicians to have. Such commitment to one’s art is reminiscent of the Jargon Quag Brothers. Rumors have spread that they were an early inspiration to some of your group. What can you tell us about that?”

G. Qrr’nuat: “Yes, they are true. I was learning to play guitar when they had their first concert in Foreau. Their passionate lyrics and disregard for local constabularies was shocking. It inspired me to continue pursuing a career in music.”

J. Oscar: “We actually met one of the brothers after a gig we did in Renton.”

Interviewer: “How was this?”

G. Qrr’nuat: “Amazing.”

J. Shen: “He was nice enough. ”

D. Radev: “He kept calling me Gary.”

Interviewer:“I am sure this was a mistake. ”

Interviewer: "Wharf Waves. How did you come together?"

J. Oscar: "That's a fun story really. I knew Glyazi from back when I was taking guitar lessons. We ended up jamming more. We ran into Dimka and June when we were practicing."

J. Shen: "He a--" (Begin your subscription to Inquirer Platinum to read the rest of this interview or donate to Anchor Rilaat Quinl's Public Grift Corner account to view the original interview.

Once again, Zeshblook Opera Hall proves that it is willing to take risks in the name of art and musical awareness. Despite its infancy, Wharf Waves will be trusted to perform in one of the most premier musical settings in Federation space. Modifications to the venue's stage are already underway. Tickets can be bought or won by raffle.

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Traverses on Pluat: ”It is Time to Reunite”


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


After an especially lengthy closed meeting of the Grand Council, multiple governmental officials have begun spreading the same message: The Federation must be reunified. With the recent re-annexation of Pluat, Grand Councillor Weashbi Jrugl has made clear that he intends to pursue the unification of all previously populous Skrell systems under the Jargon Federation. When approached for comment, Representative Traverses Through The Dank Ruins Of Fallen Cities In Solemn Memory Of The Bygone Days Of A People Whom Have Learned Much Through The Pain Of Loss offered his insight.

“All systems within the borders of the original Federation are and have always been the promised homes of Skrell. They were colonized and built to strength under the guidance of the former Grand Council. It is because of this strength of will that they have experienced tremendous difficulty in accepting that the Federation has been rebuilt. Previous administrations saw fit to give them time to consider their place in the galaxy. Jrugl believes they have been made to wait long enough.

Each independent system is home to young Skrell who did not choose to be shut off from the stars. They should not be denied their right to experience what this galaxy has to offer them. It is time to reunite.”

With rumors of annexation now confirmed, sentient beings across known space are waiting to see which of the independent systems will be next to join Pluat at their rightful place in the Jargon Federation.

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Respectful Reclamation Initiatives Proceed


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Ground has been broken in central Xyla. Regional officials and architects are optimistic that efforts to revitalize and reconstruct key districts of the city will be fully completed by mid-October. Locally relevant businessman and entrepreneur Quriil Qrr’zip was asked by the Juerlduern Council for Expedient Expansion to issue a statement on the apparent necessity for renovation.

“Xyla has historically served as a hotbed of cultural exchange and population growth. It is because of this reputation that the Team of Unified Commerce has focused on this particular region for reclamation efforts.”

Multiple dubious anchors and investigative individuals have questioned Qrr’zip’s motives for backing the consistent and inexorable lobbying for ruin renovation.

“Population centers and capitals throughout Nralakk will soon be swamped by incoming tourism and immigration applications from re-annexed systems. By respectfully reviving ruined regions, we can create communities which will be prepared to receive regular reunification recipients as residents.”

Previous endeavors to convert sections of ruined cities have been met with mixed responses. The councils of Juerlduern and Wleshi remain gridlocked with no end in sight, but conversion of the Southwestern portion of the Jrugl’Qlip Ruins into livable city districts has been underway for several months. The beneficiaries backing Jrugl’Qlip reclamation efforts consist largely of commerce minded individuals as well as Quriil Qrr’zip himself. A noticeable forty percent of the reclaimed area was quickly acquired by Qrr’zip shortly after it became available for purchase. When asked about this figure in a recent interview, he replied with the following statement.

“Some market-watchers have suggested that I may actually own much more than forty percent of Reclaimed Jrugl’Qlip because of the names used in several noteworthy deeds. I am sorry to say that these allegations have never been officially confirmed. Qrr’zip is a very common name.”

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Guest Marlon Phoenix



Re-Unifying The Republic: Ritual Wars To Resolve Longstanding Disputes


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


With its refusal to concede to Federation requests of re-annexation like its wayward system Pluat, Government sources have confirmed that a major military operation is being orchestrated against the Yui'qui'gliop Republic. Jargon military advisors being transported to meet with local forces to begin updating the wayward republic's navy to meet technical and legal expectations of
Washa'ql'tup; Ceremonial War. Yui'qui'gliop observers have also been granted access to Jargon forces being deployed to the system to take part in the war to ensure Federation compliance.

Yui'qui'gliop was first embargoed, and then blockaded by the Federation navy since 2399 CE, when it refused the invitation to rejoin the Federation sent from the reorganized government on Jargon IV following reconstruction after the Glorsh-Omega singularity.

The star system has a single inhabited planet with a population of 987 million, along with the local moon which is colonized by an estimated 502,032 individuals. The local military has a combined naval force of 80 corvettes, 40 destroyers, 1 carrier, and 2 battleships. This local fleet will be defending against a simulated assault by the Federation's 5th Flotilla of Qzishi of 30 corvettes, 15 destroyers, 2 carriers, and 1 battleship which will engage the local navy and attempt to clear the way for a ground invasion of the planet and its moon to seize particular, pre-determined locations defended by local garrisons. In total, Federation fighting strength will be at 350,000, while local forces are defending with 430,000.

Deputy Vice-Minister Weixiz of the Committee of Reintegration announced these details along with expressing his full confidence in the upcoming engagement, as well as praising the local government for agreeing to the terms of the Washa'ql'tup.

"In human terms, we will be conducting the largest game of 'laser tag' in several decades." Weixiz said, "after 60 years of isolation, the Gliops have finally seen the erroneous logic in their continued policy. Our longstanding policy of isolating disagreeable sectors creates incredible pressure for agreement to our terms. There is no conceivable way of a conventional conflict ever creating ideal methods of freedom for stubborn local populations, so a civilized handling of these affairs is praiseworthy."

The Committee of Reintegration remains the primary agency responsible for advising the Grand Council on matters of independent Skrell star systems lost during the fallout of the Final Betrayal. Formed in 2333 CE, the committee has claimed to have persuaded over 187 formerly independent star systems the merits of reintegration into the Federation. An undisclosed amount of systems remain isolated by the Federal Navy until invitations for reintegration are accepted by local governments. This policy of containment has been questioned by some advocacy groups questioning the ethical justifications for blocking Skrell populations from achieving their destiny of exploration, colonization, and study of the wider cosmos, but the policy has remain uncompromising since its inception.

"To use a metaphor from a great cultural treasure, our justification for this policy remains thus: The galaxy is a dangerous slope, and one in which only the united voice of the Federation may ride." Weixiz said.

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Sister Systems Reunite as Qrruhilum is Reannexed


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


After a prompt seven-hour meeting with Federation officials, the Committee of Qrruhilum unanimously opted to rejoin the Federation. Ambassadors and Federation Representatives alike are overjoyed to see the previously cut-off system of Qrruhilum rejoin the Jargon Federation. None seem more relieved than Qrruhilum native and politician Yaxiztul Xultwrl who offered his own words after the meeting’s conclusion.

“Stagnating in our own pocket of space has been inconvenient and unpleasant. Even the bureaucrats who ignored the Tresja agreement have seen the error of their ways. We will not waste any more time. We have been waiting long enough for the chance to make ourselves useful again. Seven hours was more than enough time to reach an agreement.”

Qrruhilum previously enjoyed constant communication and cooperation with its sister-system, Xaqixal. The two systems had been colonized at roughly the same time and have historically cooperated closely in matters of trade and government. While their time apart has given Qrruhilum time to craft its own internal bureaucracy, this governing body has professed their interest in resuming its previous trade practices with nearby Xaqixal.

To welcome the system back to its rightful place in the Federation, the Committee of Reintegration has suggested a few motions to help Qrruhilum residents prepare to reenter the galactic community. The most notable initiative calls for educators from Nralakk and Foreau to travel to Qrruhilum. These educators would be compensated for up to ten years of service as they bring the system’s citizenry up to speed on subjects including: recent events, the Tau Ceti Basic language, and basic xenobiology.

Despite Qrruhilum’s relatively low population, its inhabitants have been granted a place in the Grand Council. The newly recognized system will be allowed four weeks to designate their very own Member of the Grand Council. While local officials have not yet confirmed their choice, frontrunners include Yaxiztul Xultwrl, a spirited one hundred and thirty year old Skrell who served in the system’s local government for much of the last fifty years. He is also confirmed to be related to Grand Council member Xultwrl’Tresja of the Xaqixal system. When asked about her experience with the meeting, Xultwrl’Tresja was quick to offer praise to her relative.

“It brought me much comfort to speak with my brother’s son once again. He was a very ambitious youth, and I am not at all surprised that he became a public servant. Politics must be in our genes.”

The Grand Council member went on to exclaim her support for the small system’s quick and enthusiastic annexation. Other attendees voiced their excitement for the upcoming ceremonial warfare between the Federation’s well-trained and educated soldiers and the conflicted, unenthusiastic Gliop standing force. Yaxitzul Xultwrl commented on the civilized conflict, stating:

“Some individuals are not ready to set aside their differences and cooperate in the name of progress, but we are prepared to walk well among the stars with our fellow Skrell, together.”

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Human Cultural Awareness: Guide to April Fools


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


With the sudden discovery of Humanity, Skrell across the galaxy gained access to an entirely foreign array of societies and customs. Many such customs are difficult to understand from a purely “Skrellian” perspective. With the help of youthful reporters and interns from human territories, writers from the Warble Inquirer will examine one of Humanity’s more complex holidays: April Fool’s Day.

The first day of the month April is observed by many humans, especially youths, as a day for playful mischief. This mischief, often referred to as a “prank” is typically acceptable if harmless in nature. Many pranks, however, escalate far beyond the bounds of polite misconduct. Human historians report that millions of pranks have “gone wrong” in the several hundred years since the holiday’s inception. Many high profile cases of professional ineptitude and even manslaughter have been recorded as “just a prank” on human media.

Human mischief is a dangerous thing, and April is fast approaching. We at the Warble Inquirer recognize that many Skrell abroad may want to join in on the “fun” of April foolishness. In the hopes of informing the public, we have created a list of acceptable as well as unacceptable tomfoolery.


Acceptable April Fools activities:

- Calling friends or coworkers by shortened variations of their names.

- Making hats or headgear out of things which are not hats or headgear.

- Writing with one’s nondominant hand.

Unacceptable April Fools activities:

- Leaving traps for coworkers involving buckets of water and doors.

- Writing notes inciting violence.

- High profile assassination.


We at the Warble Inquirer would like to remind our readers that human pranks, while sometimes endearing, can become incredibly dangerous very quickly. It is estimated that there may be as many as seven million Humans permanently residing on Jargon IV before the end of the century. It is very likely that we will continue to see spikes in crime and unacceptable behavior in human areas during holidays like April Fool’s Day. Readers should be prepared.

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Ceremonial War Ends; Further Events Required


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Following a speedy twenty hour skirmish, the Ceremonial War between Jargon Federation and the Yui’qui’gliop Republic forces has ended in favor of Jargon. Despite the clear and utter victory of the Federation's 5th Flotilla of Qzishi over the Yui’qui’gliop’s ragtag fleet, local government bodies have called for meetings with the Committee of Reintegration and the Grand Council in order to argue the results. Because of this dispute, details regarding the Washa’ql’tup have been made public.

Within the first hour of the skirmish, Federation destroyer class vessel “Quualt’Tiapt of Gialok” had successfully blocked the Gliop force’s only carrier from dispensing the remainder of its fighters. Using a maneuver now being referred to as the Yizarus Rush, the destroyer charged forward and collided with the obsolete carrier’s hangar area, trapping many Gliop pilots within the ship for the battle’s duration. The maneuver, while effective, is receiving critique for its use on Skrell forces. A confirmed five Gliop crewmen died as a result of the Quualt’Tiapt of Gialok’s gambit.

After four hours, the entirety of the Gliop fleet had been disabled while several of its antiquated cruisers were rendered completely inoperable. Ground forces exchanged fire immediately upon landing on the planet’s surface. Thanks to the superior tactics and training of our Jargon military footmen, Federation troops were able to capture the agreed upon objectives on the planet’s surface only five hours after landing. Federation military forces utilized slower and gentler tactics on the Gliop moon, but were still able to take their objectives within ten hours. Within two hours of this decisive victory, governing officials of the Yui’qui’gliop Republic were challenging the results.

After a taxing nine hour meeting, Deputy Vice-Minister Weixiz of the Committee of Reintegration announced the outcome of these meetings. In his words:

“The Yui’qui’gliop Republic takes issue with this Washa’ql’tup for many reasons.

Their planet, as we know, was home to an extensive museum of space flight. Some of the ships used today were built using the museum’s relics and discharged vessels as a technological base. Many more were even part of the exhibits long ago. They claim their loss in space is invalid on the grounds that their vessels were too grossly inferior to pose a threat to even a small number of Jargon Navy spacecraft.

They claim their people, while industrious, are not suited to be militants and seem to have no confidence in the skill of their ground forces. This was surprising for many in the Grand Council as the Yui’qui’gliop Republic politicians had been so eager for this Ceremonial War before its conclusion.

Due to the poor upkeep of their outdated, poorly constructed vessels and the inept, clueless nature of their ground commanders, some thirty eight of their system’s citizenry have died today.The belligerent, easily confused politicians of the Yui’qui’glip Republic claim that there must have been some sort of trickery at play despite a lack of any supporting evidence. Barring such allegations, they claim the unwarranted death toll is enough to justify additional ceremonial trials.

After some deliberation, the Grand Council agreed to allow for a series of ceremonial competitions to take the place of this Washa’ql’tup. In other words, the ‘sore losers’ called ‘shenanigans’ and ‘doubled down’ for a rematch.”

Deputy Vice-Minister Weixiz went on to say that the Federation naval force used in the mock battle had “good hustle” and asserted that the ground forces had “a lot of heart” throughout the event.

While the Federation victory in this Walsha’ql’tup is undeniable, Grand Council members recognize that the lives lost in this Ceremonial War warrant some form of additional ceremony. The civilian death toll of this ceremonial event is the highest seen in over a decade, since several public officials of Jargon IV ended a dispute over land-titles with an impromptu duel with traditional human weaponry in 2445. With the memory of the many fallen Gliop belligerents in mind, the Grand Council moved to allow the system’s fate to be decided by a series of ceremonial competitions. After hearing the stances of the rest of the council, Grand Councillor Weashbi Jrugl is reputed to have said, “Sure.” After this unprecedented statement of faith in his people, the Grand Council unanimously ruled in support of further ceremonial competitions.

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Guest Marlon Phoenix



A Jrugl Gaffe: Grand Councillor Given Official Censure After Discovered To Be Writing Xenobiology Research Papers


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Grand Councillor Jrugl has today received an official censure from the Grand Council following the conclusion of a week long investigation and debate surrounding alleged misconduct. The resolution was submitted to the floor by Councillor Xeualasi, who has also been its spearhead. Councillor Xeualasi explained the reasoning for the censure.

"A lab assistant in the Aliose Institute of Xenobiology discovered an account on the lab's internal manifest was submitting and commenting on laboratory research that he did not recognize. When he clicked on the account he discovered it was not tied to an active scientist employed by the lab. The lab assistant surveyed the account's latest postings on the internal forum. Reading the last eight forum posts and research paper submissions from the account, the Lab Assistant found they were all disputing a recently presented theory by Dr. Aizau'qlip that claims the small burrowing Tai-tai of Pluat VII should be classified as Plasitua rather than the taxonomic classification of Plasiqui. The lab assistant began to fear a hostile entity was enacting corporate espionage. It seemed highly unreasonable to attack Dr. Aizau'qlip's theory as anything other than sound taxonomical classification clarification. He brought his concerns to the authorities, who investigated the account and discovered that its activity was coming from the Grand Councillor's private office. After a brief investigation, it was found that Jrugl has been continuously writing xenobiological research papers and being active in the xenobiological community via an anonymous alternate account for the last 6 years."

Grand Councillor Jrugl gave a muted response to initial press questions.

"Early in my term, my xenobiology studies were set aside as I fully embraced my position as your Grand Councillor. As I have found my groove in this position, I sought to continue contributing to the field of science I am specialized in. It is fun for me. Debating the taxonomic classifications of alien species gives me energy and satisfaction. Due to my prestige and ranking, it was necessary that I borrow a friend's account to contribute to debate on the same level as my peers, without causing immediate public interest on any specific paper."

These findings were brought to the Grand Council, who notified the Grand Councillor that he had been under investigation. Before the resolution had been presented to the floor, Councillor Poqi'alis gave a public chiding of Jrugl during a live broadcast.

"I and the rest of the Grand Council find it highly unreasonable that the Grand Councillor would use deception. It is necessary that public officials set aside their previous passions in life when entering the world of bureaucracy to avoid exactly these types of issues."

This view was apparently shared by the rest of the Council, who passed the official censure in a majority vote. Jrugl is now forbidden by the Grand Council from using alternative accounts or any 3rd party tools, devices, or methods to publish, comment on, or contribute to the xenobiological community. Councillor Xeualasi praised this official censure as a victory for transparency.

"Jrugl is going to have to use his official account or not use any account at all."

Since the resolution, all of Jrugl's anonymous submissions have been released to the public. Already there has been a minor sensation as commentators discovered that on a 4,292 word response to a hypothesis on the origin of the gastrointestinal structure of Pluat's Ark-ark beetle, Jrugl made a major faux pas by misspelling 'Ark-ark beetle' as 'Ark-ark betlee.' Social media has erupted over this, with many humorous images of the ark-ark beetle apparently proclaiming itself to be a bettle-bug, with a face designed to signify it as having delayed cognitive functions.

In addition, the Aliose Institute of Xenobiology has released an official request asking that Jrugl no longer submit comments or findings on their laboratory’s forums. The lab has cited an intense increase in public interest following the revelations. Many junior researchers have admitted to being intimidated by the level of attention brought by Jrugl, which has dissuaded them from fully participating.

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Outsider Calls False Alarm: Forces Respond Appropriately


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


A scene of Jargon military exceptionalism erupted in Miftaup’Nion earlier today. A Pluat-born Skrell turned amateur film reviewer called in an illegitimate threat in the center of the proud city. Their names have been stricken from this report as a service to their families. The Pluat native had apparently been in an ongoing debate with a Quualt’Pluux living in the same area. It is believed that he called in a false synthetic threat as a prank. His intention, we gather, was to delay his adversary’s response to a film debate for a number of days. In this threat, he claimed that he had built a small personal artificial intelligence and was in the process of transferring it into a Faraday Cage. He claimed to be his adversary, but voice recognition techniques along with location triangulation technology revealed his true identity.

Local police forces quickly arrived at the reported location. Within minutes, first-responders had arrested fifteen individuals in order to ensure that there was, in fact, no synthetic intelligence on the premises. For the next several hours, the area was thoroughly searched. In this regard, the prank was successful. The Pluat native’s adversary was delayed for some time and received minor, non-lethal injuries.

Meanwhile, Tup forces closed in on the triangulated true location of the Pluat native who had called the false alarm. Within seconds, multiple ion weapons had discharged, rendering the entirety of the residence and surrounding areas without electronics. At the same time, cutting-edge psychological warfare techniques were used, as nearby vessels hovered over the Pluat-born criminal’s home. Said vessels loudly played ancient alien music in lesser-known Human languages with the intent of intimidating and confusing the offender. The tactic was effective. Forces breached the large building from multiple entry points. The offender was forcibly detained. The offender, at first, tried to deny allegations against himself. Within an hour, Tup forces had extracted a confession and confirmed a lack of any synthetic intelligences in the area. After receiving word from local forces that the threat was a bogus claim, Tup forces extracted the offender.

The offender could not be reached for comment as he was summarily executed for instigating a false alarm. The offender had not only ended his own life by reporting a serious threat falsely, but also ensured that whatever insight he had would be lost. His work and debate notes are all believed to have been erased in the storm of ion weapon fire which Tup forces unleashed on his home. With his name stricken from public records and his plans for the future ended, the offender learned the hard way that Jargon IV is not like his home of Pluat. It is not clear if he would have been successful in his crimes in a less civilized system like Pluat or Tau Ceti, but it is clear that such threats are taken seriously in Jargon.

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Representative on Tau Ceti: “Star Still Shines”


Editors note: Translated to Basic.


Surprise and excitement can be seen in the faces of Skrell Representatives across the galaxy in the wake of Representative Lioquix Jrugl’Wliesh’s most recent speech. Representative Lioquix has headed diplomatic initiatives between the Jargon Federation and the factions of the Tau Ceti system for the majority of his career, and left the system for the first time in over a year to speak at a public meeting of the Grand Council. Although he was speaking in his native Nral’Malic to a Skrell audience, the normally mild mannered Representative was strangely fervent in his speech and motions. The following is a transcript of his speech translated to Tau Ceti Basic. Certain liberties had to be taken with the original speech to get its meaning across in Tau Ceti Basic.

“Forgive my jagged tone and mannerisms, people of Kal’lo. My time in Mendell has left me impassioned to such an extent that even distracted Human could sense my displeasure. I stand here in the light of Our Unifying Star not as a Representative of our lands, but as a citizen who has witnessed a cruel injustice to a distant star.

The system of Tau Ceti lost a noticeable number of its Federation Representatives, leaving myself and two others to repair relations. These Skrell who left have gone on to serve admirably in other fronts, but still their positions remain vacant. I said then that this system is worth the attention of our Representatives. Still, the positions remained vacant.

Human citizens on Biesel’s coastal city of Craterview saw a revival of their boating races, a tradition which harkens back to Humanity’s ancient days and reminds vigilant Skrell that we are not so different. This cultural display was its first occurrence in years, and footage of the event was made readily available throughout much of our space. However, the positions remain vacant.

Corporation NanoTrasen worked with the people of Biesel to provide easier access to energy. This feat should have been hailed by the Representative system as a commendable initiative to improve the planet’s infrastructure, but only a few stood to congratulate them for their efforts. Even at this point, the positions remained vacant.

What can be seen here is a regrettable product of our relative longevity. Although citizens display a vibrant culture, we are slow to forgive past indiscretions. Although factions give back to their community, we remember their mistakes.

Spending time in Tau Ceti is a different experience. In my time there, I have seen much. I recall the faces I saw on space stations in Tau Ceti. Hard working individuals of many species working to better their lives and the lives of those around them. Whimsical strangers claiming to be magicians so that they may entertain people they do not know. Concerned medical professionals aiming worried glances at stubborn patients. Security officers standing firm when instincts tell them to run. These are the people who are hurt by lessened relations. Reports on the recent embargo were not printed in Tau Ceti Basic. Sol remains a treasured ally, but this small system should not be ignored to preserve relations.

Do not give up on the small systems. Tau Ceti is important. Worth time. If you believe a star system can make a difference in the galaxy, then recognize Tau Ceti. Flaws are numerous, but culture is alive. Their star still shines.”

In the hours following this speech, no less than five newly-vetted Representatives have already volunteered to fill the three vacant positions in the Tau Ceti system. Other Representatives have had a variety of responses ranging from vague congratulatory motions to statements agreeing with Representative Lioquix Jrugl’Wliesh outright. Representative Lioquix himself vows to make relations with the small, phoron-dependant Republic of Biesel warmer, so long as the star shines. With the wave of new assistants coming, it seems the emotive Representative will have plenty of help.


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