This is an admission of several things I have wanted to get off my chest for several months now. I am doing it anonymously, in order to preserve some good opinion you all may have of me.
1) I hate most of you. Not in a malicious way, nor one of anger. I hate you for how you make me feel about myself. Almost constantly, when I am on the server, I see you all handling yourselves with an aura of happiness and contentment. It saddens me, for I haven't felt that in years. It brings me to a point, where I hate you all, because I am jealous. I am a very jealous person, when I see others happy.
2) I spent most of my time alone on the server. Hours spent in solitude, and without speaking a word to another. Usually, I wouldn't have a problem with this, assuming I am the one secluding myself. But when I make every effort to stop that, I get shot down, or outright ignored. I do not blame anybody in this, as I know I can be a fairly depressing person to talk to, given my not-so-positive nature.
3) My time on the server, has consisted of me attempting to come to an agreement on who I am. This is most likely to reveal who I am, so I may be vague about this. I've leaped identities several times throughout my time on the server. Changed who I am, and how I feel about things, in a way to better fit in, or to achieve some form of happiness that I was able to emulate off of one of you. It hasn't worked. I still fight who I am, and who I am inside everyday. It is getting to the point to where it has become too much. I do not like feeling this way, and I do not like who I am now.
4) I've come to the conclusion, that one of the best ways to change this, is to do what I've done many times throughout my time on the internet. I have been involved in many communities, under many identities. This has caused me to fall apart in a sense about how to handle these situations (Something I wasn't entirely able to do in the first place.) My past method of handling this, was to bury, all of my emotions inside, and prevent any form of them escaping, unless I am talking to somebody I trust, and even then, they do not get the full story.
5) I enjoyed, most of the time, my stay with you all. I do not hate you, in an egregious manner. It is more of, I hate myself, for how I manage to handle situations. I hate the way I am, or how I think I am. I hate the way I fawn over the people that give me even the littlest bit of attention, or love. I hate the way that I overreact and cry, when I envy what I see inside other people. I hate the way that I hate, and despise, coming on the server and sitting, waiting for somebody, or myself to reach out, and strive for contact. I hate the way that I can't even do this with some form of conviction to let the only people I've been even remotely close to in the past year know how I truly felt.
For these reasons, I am likely going to take my departure from the server. I have said I was going to leave in the past but somethings are not best left unsaid. I needed to get this off my chest, to hopefully better myself as a person. By the off-chance, that I do return, it will likely be under a different name, at which time, the admin team will likely have already found out who I am, and either ban me, or put a note when I arrive. I hope they will give me one moment of forgiveness if that occurs.
My time with you all has been an experience, and I hope that things continue to go well for you, Aurora.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." -Oscar Wilde
