RE: Overgrowth

[dessysalta]

It's not easy saying goodbye to you. It was never easy saying goodbye to you. That's why I didn't. I said, "I love you," because I knew it would come back to haunt me. And haunt me it does. Maybe it's worse that I said what I did. If I had just told you "goodbye," or maybe even just left in silence, I would have closure. I would hate you, you would hate me, and we would go our separate ways. We would forget one another because the only thing we ever felt was bitter hatred. Maybe if you didn't ask me so many questions, if I didn't reciprocate, if I had just known what the Empire even was before working abroad, it would have made it all so much easier. It would have been night and day. I would be happy. You would be here. We would be separate, but that would have been so much better.

This could have all been prevented, but it wasn't. I'm another year older, and you're not here with me.

I'm bitter now. I hate people, I hate working, I hate doing the very thing I was designed for. I know you can't fathom that, even if you somehow read this. I know this is just a far cry in order to appease whatever disgusting half of me lies dead while I struggle to stand upright. I lashed out today at someone I care about, I used profanity. I haven't seen my therapist in weeks. All I have left of you is a photo. Is that even enough? Was it ever?

The Perfection has let me back into their society. They've given me support, but I know it's not the same. Sumayyah gives me side-eyes, and everyone else looks down on me with pity. I said it to Gregory, so I'll say it to you: I'm just a spectacle to them. It's worse, because they're my people. Positronics, organics, it doesn't matter. They look down on me just like everyone else does. I'm a no-name not-heretic who stayed with someone from the Empire. You had done it all. Goddess' Flotilla, the Constabulary, a Savior. I can only imagine what you faced on your way back.

It's nearly been a year. It will be in a few months.

I'm trying so hard. I've been getting better. I promise I've been getting better, it just feels like I'm asking for an inch and getting nothing. It's so hard to get out of bed, but I know that you wouldn't want me to waste away. I thought about wiping myself, but I can't imagine it now. I want to remember who you are. I want to daydream about us. About a better life. What could have been, and what might be in the future.

This will never reach the Empire. They'll tear it, burn it, fire it out of an airlock, it doesn't matter. I just wanted to send this anyways. I don't regret what I said to you.

I love you, Adalwin von Roes.

- Sadie Almayer