[Accepted] Dragonspare's Unathi Whitelist Application

[Dragonspare]

BYOND Key: Dragonspare

Character Names: Jack Mitchell, Samuel Rodriguez, W.O.L.F., GAMMA-6

Species you are applying to play:Unathi

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Burdeaux, a mix of red and black

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes, and i've enjoyed it

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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

Because the Unathi Contact War is not that far ago in the past, the Unathi are still a somewhat of a new specie to the rest of the species, some of the Unathi (Including Izkhan) are still sticking to their traditions, not letting the Jargon Federation and the Sol Alliance to tell them otherwise, i’ve enjoyed very much reading the Unathi lore page, seeing that they have a medieval-esque system just before the industrialization, and almost half of the planet going back to it after the Contact War (talking of it, i will explain more on the backstory), in fact, it seems more like a Feudal Japan, considering that the Unathi (the Traditionalist at least) take honor and good deeds very high on their society, going as far as to exile one of their own just because they did something dishonorable or cowardly, forcing them to adopt the “Guwan” last name, and in the opposite spectrum, the “Guwandi” are held up high because their lack of fear of death and their effort to die in a honorable way

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

I will begin describing the general stubborness of most Unathi, Traditionalist even more so, because they begun a war over their lifestyle, and how the Skrell and Humans wanted to change it to make it “better”, but their “better” way was on the oposite that the original lifestyle was, another thing i like about the Unathi is their ways to almost avoid talk, communicating with their kind by using physichal language, thumping their tails when angry, sampling the air when worried and such, i like as well how the Unathi don’t like to refer to someone as they don’t know well with only their first name, they will instead refer to them with their full name, and superiors, even more so, referring to the with their rank and full name, i like their formality as a whole, that’s why Traditionalist Unathi could make very good security personel

 

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Character Name: Izkhan Mazdatao

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs

 

Izkhan borned in 2423, in a little village on Moghes called Raz’Kar’Gath, his life was pretty average for a village Unathi, the clan leader saw potential in him to be a clan’s warrior, as many other Unathi, he began training on his teen years, when he turned fifteen the Contact War started, which one consisted on the Sol Alliance and the Jargon Federation arriving Moghes and changing the lifestyle and quality of most of the unathi in the capital under control of the Izweski Hegemony, many Unathi weren’t happy with it, and so the Traditionalist Coalition borned, to preserve the Unathi’s old lifestyle, suddenly everything changed arround Izkhan, everyone was getting ready for war, his village was with the Traditionalist Coalition, the side of the war that was against the “alien invaders” that were the Sol Alliance and the Jargon Federation, this whole speeches about the “aliens” corrupting the capital of Moghes and a civil war for freedom were given on the village all of the time, making Ishrad think that the outsiders were actually evil, when they just wanted to increase the Unathi life quality and “civilize” them.

The war was bad enough, but when he turned sixteen the first atomic bomb was dropped in Da’Ha’Den, after that it didn’t took long until all of Moghes was bombarded with nukes, ironically corrupting the land they wanted to cleanse, many of said bombs falled near the village where Izkhan lived in, but not near enough to destroy it, only to create a radioactive wasteland surrounding the village, making it dangerous to go out.

When Izkhan turned eighteen he was obviously forcefully recruited and sended to the war that was still going on Moghes, he was assigned to a small castle in the middle of nowhere, but to Izkhan’s bad luck, it was on the way to the Traditionalist capital, so, they were waiting for the Izweski to attack it one way or another, months passed and no signs of them, but one day, while Izkhan was patrolling the outer side of the castle he heard screams and fight coming from in it, when he entered a narrow hall that as supossed to lead him to the command post, he encountered something unexpected, a dead comrade of his on the floor, recently dead, and a breacher suit on top of it, raising it’s head to Izkhan, in that momento, Izkhan didn’t wasted time and charged towards the sole breacher suit, which one haved a laser rifle, before he could even aim, Izkhan’s spear was through the carbine, making it useless, it didn’t took more than a kick from the hulking suit to stagger Izkhan some feets back, when he got his bearings back the breacher had a energy glaive on their hands, Izkhan didn’t doubt to put his spear in front of him trying to protect himself, but he was understimating the power of a energy weapon, it didn’t took more than one swift slash from that glaive to cut Izkhan’s on two, making it useless, from that moment on, Izkhan was petrified by fear of such a hulking foe, before he could move, he felt the energy blade of the glaive going through his face, going upwards, falling injured after the blow, Izkhan was considered dead by the enemy, when he woke up, there was only silence, his wound was still open and it hurted very much, he managed to get up and walk slowly, limping from the bare pain on his face, to the post he was supossed to be who knows how long, when he arrived there was only blood and recent corpses of his comrades Traditionalists, then he managed to cover his face barely with bandages, only stoping the wound’s progress, when the Traditionalist scouts got there, wondering about what was happening ther, Izkhan was seating on the stairs leading to the castle, then the scouts confirmed that everyone was either dead or captured, they decided to treat him, transforming the wound into a burn-scar through the left side of his face, from that day on, Izkhan developed both hate and fear for the monstrosities of a hardsuit the breacher suits were.

To Izkhan’s luck, his village was too far of the way to Darakath (the Traditionalist capital) for the Izweskis to attack it, when the war ended, when the Izweski reached Darakath at last, all of the village’s population was spared, except for the clan head, which one was beheaded in front of the whole village, showing what happens when someone messes with the Izweski Hegemony, from that moment on, the village was missguided and the wasteland was extending to the village with every second, there was no choice, the village wasn’t on a bareable state, Izkhan and the rest of the clan’s warriors organized a whole caravan, with all the supplies needed to make it through the wasteland, unfortunately the only reasonable choice was to get to Skalamar, Izweski capital.

When the large group arrived the modern city, clearly more technologically advanced than Raz’Kar’Gath, everyone was hungry and tired from the trip, and most of the village’s food was depleted, everyone had to get Jobs, and so they splitted, all of them going to different places, some of them giving up and pledging to the Izweski’s Hegemony army, others too stubborn decided to be Street urchins and robbers, and most of them decided to have a job that wasn’t directly associated with the Izweski,including Izkhan, he took many jobs, from cargo loader, miner and many more part time jobs, none of them were permanent just because he was a Traditionalist, and he was treated worst than scum by his bosses, always stepped on and relegated over the other workers, developing his hate by Izweski Unathi even further, by beign pushed arround and fired over every reason they could find, he was almost used as a slave in some of his jobs, but it was a time of progress, and people couldn’t decline another working hand, specially so cheap, after some years of that, NT dropped in Moghes, doing a huge security recruit program for Unathis, knowing their natural strenght, Izkhan took the chance and easily get in, by the sheer strenght of his race and his warrior training, so, he passed the cadet training with no problema at all and he become an officer/warden for several stations, getting some years of experience.

Very recently, NT is transfering Izkhan to the NSS Exodus.

Izkhan is a 35 years old Unathi, the scales covering his body beign bordeaux and black in color, he still holds a giant scar on his face, and still to the date, he follows the Unathi code of honor, and he stills holds kind of a grudge with humans and skrells, for almost destroying his homeworld with their intervention

What do you like about this character?

I like that Izkhan isn’t used to the other race’s lifestyles and values, making him kind of lost when working with non-Unathi and most of the times discussing with someone about said values, Izkhan is a VERY Traditionalist Unathi, sticking to the codes and rules of his homeworld, but most certainly, his village, i like how i would’ve to hándicap myself to fully fledge this character, not using ranged equipment or SPECIALLY Breacher suits unless it’s absolutely needed, another Traditionalist trait of Izkhan is his despice for the Guwan, labeling them as “dishonorable scum” and “deserters”, but in the other side, unlike most Unathi, he respects greatly the Guwandi, another thing that will make even more challeinging playing this character is that he’s bound to follow every rule and mannerism from back home, from physichal language to properly calling other people and higher ranking personell, making him almost a very good and loyal officer, always striving to mantain peace and his honor at balance

How would you rate your role-playing ability?

i don't like rating myself but, i would go for a 7/10, but maybe i'm giving myself too much credit, it would be interesting to RP someone totally different from my other charachters

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Notes: I know my grammar is very bad, and i'm making my best to make this application decent, any feedback is greatly appreciated, i really would like to play as this race

Edited October 25, 2016 by Guest

[Muncorn]

So, I'm going to start getting into the habit of commenting on whitelist apps of species I know jackshit about, but here goes.

First off, your answers to many of the questions are quite short. Your response to the differences in RP style seems to be a very vague definition of Unathi mannerisms, such as what would be expected of somebody not well versed in their lore. What problems are there with other races, their language and speech style, the way in which they do their work? Give it some thought.

Second, your backstory seems quite good. It's solid, it shows the knowledge of the Unathi lore (Though I cannot comment on how well, I know very little about Unathi lore) and the character seems believable. One problem is the way in which you describe the backstory. You explain it as if the reader already knows it, as if you're expecting everybody to know every little thing that's going on. Normally, there's two approaches. Describe it simply and keep lore explanation to a minimum, whilst still keeping the signs of you knowing the lore there, or you explain the lore fully and carefully as if every person reading this is an idiot. This is especially notable in the first mention of the contact wars. You mention which side he was on, but heck, what're the contact wars? You mention which sides are which, but nothing much more. Why did the wars happen, did Ishrad enjoy this or not? I don't know much on the lore, so take this with a pinch of salt.

Thirdly, as much as it does not say to do so, always provide a paragraphs worth of character description. Their personality and how they work, as well as absolute confirmation in where they work; though I presume they are in security going by the backstory; and their personal opinions on Unathi matters, such as tension between them and Skrell, and his own personal views on Unathi culture.

Fourth and Final, I feel Ishrad Makdirr sounds a little Tajara'ish. The 'Ish' sound isn't used much, and 'Rad' is definitely a Tajaran kind of name. Isknad; Izknad, or something like that might work better, but I'm not too versed with Unathi naming yet, so it might be fine.

However, I have seen you roleplay, and I have some worries. I've seen Mitchell, and he's very different from a Unathi in every aspect I've seen, and in combination with all these other problems, I'm not too sure if I can properly suggest this get accepted. Look over and fix whatever problems you agree with, and I'll re-evaluate.

[Dragonspare]

So, I'm going to start getting into the habit of commenting on whitelist apps of species I know jackshit about, but here goes.

First off, your answers to many of the questions are quite short. Your response to the differences in RP style seems to be a very vague definition of Unathi mannerisms, such as what would be expected of somebody not well versed in their lore. What problems are there with other races, their language and speech style, the way in which they do their work? Give it some thought.

Second, your backstory seems quite good. It's solid, it shows the knowledge of the Unathi lore (Though I cannot comment on how well, I know very little about Unathi lore) and the character seems believable. One problem is the way in which you describe the backstory. You explain it as if the reader already knows it, as if you're expecting everybody to know every little thing that's going on. Normally, there's two approaches. Describe it simply and keep lore explanation to a minimum, whilst still keeping the signs of you knowing the lore there, or you explain the lore fully and carefully as if every person reading this is an idiot. This is especially notable in the first mention of the contact wars. You mention which side he was on, but heck, what're the contact wars? You mention which sides are which, but nothing much more. Why did the wars happen, did Ishrad enjoy this or not? I don't know much on the lore, so take this with a pinch of salt.

Thirdly, as much as it does not say to do so, always provide a paragraphs worth of character description. Their personality and how they work, as well as absolute confirmation in where they work; though I presume they are in security going by the backstory; and their personal opinions on Unathi matters, such as tension between them and Skrell, and his own personal views on Unathi culture.

Fourth and Final, I feel Ishrad Makdirr sounds a little Tajara'ish. The 'Ish' sound isn't used much, and 'Rad' is definitely a Tajaran kind of name. Isknad; Izknad, or something like that might work better, but I'm not too versed with Unathi naming yet, so it might be fine.

However, I have seen you roleplay, and I have some worries. I've seen Mitchell, and he's very different from a Unathi in every aspect I've seen, and in combination with all these other problems, I'm not too sure if I can properly suggest this get accepted. Look over and fix whatever problems you agree with, and I'll re-evaluate.

 

First off, thanks for the feedback, now that you mention it, all of your points are valid, and i have pretty low hopes of this one getting accepted, i will be trying to work on the points you said, trying to expand more on the answers and to explain the lore better at the backstory, as well to get a description of Ishrad in it, i didn't put the name through too much thought, and now i see that it sounds somewhat tajaran.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, again, i'll work on your points in no time

[Dragonspare]

So, I'm going to start getting into the habit of commenting on whitelist apps of species I know jackshit about, but here goes.

First off, your answers to many of the questions are quite short. Your response to the differences in RP style seems to be a very vague definition of Unathi mannerisms, such as what would be expected of somebody not well versed in their lore. What problems are there with other races, their language and speech style, the way in which they do their work? Give it some thought.

Second, your backstory seems quite good. It's solid, it shows the knowledge of the Unathi lore (Though I cannot comment on how well, I know very little about Unathi lore) and the character seems believable. One problem is the way in which you describe the backstory. You explain it as if the reader already knows it, as if you're expecting everybody to know every little thing that's going on. Normally, there's two approaches. Describe it simply and keep lore explanation to a minimum, whilst still keeping the signs of you knowing the lore there, or you explain the lore fully and carefully as if every person reading this is an idiot. This is especially notable in the first mention of the contact wars. You mention which side he was on, but heck, what're the contact wars? You mention which sides are which, but nothing much more. Why did the wars happen, did Ishrad enjoy this or not? I don't know much on the lore, so take this with a pinch of salt.

Thirdly, as much as it does not say to do so, always provide a paragraphs worth of character description. Their personality and how they work, as well as absolute confirmation in where they work; though I presume they are in security going by the backstory; and their personal opinions on Unathi matters, such as tension between them and Skrell, and his own personal views on Unathi culture.

Fourth and Final, I feel Ishrad Makdirr sounds a little Tajara'ish. The 'Ish' sound isn't used much, and 'Rad' is definitely a Tajaran kind of name. Isknad; Izknad, or something like that might work better, but I'm not too versed with Unathi naming yet, so it might be fine.

However, I have seen you roleplay, and I have some worries. I've seen Mitchell, and he's very different from a Unathi in every aspect I've seen, and in combination with all these other problems, I'm not too sure if I can properly suggest this get accepted. Look over and fix whatever problems you agree with, and I'll re-evaluate.

 

A heads up! i just updated the whitelist, i tried to solve all of the problems at the best of my capacities, i hope you find it satisfactory now

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Hello! Sorry for the delay.

You show an understanding of the basics for the Unathi lifestyle, and you hit all of the key notes. You comparing them to feudal Japan also tickles my fancy, because I've tried to lightly emulate the Boshin War for the lead-up and fallout of the Contact War. I'm also trying to get sashimonos sprited, so look out for that. The only major fault I can see in my first read-through is that you cite Res'karum as a small village - the cities marked on the map are actual cities, villages wouldn't be notable enough to mark on a global map. I have a Unathi from Res'karum, and they would be very surprised to find they've been living in a burnt out husk this entire time.

Anyway,

While your understanding of the mechanics and whole arc of the Unathi is good, I find that your character personifies nearly all the major Unathi tropes. A warrior fleeing a burning village to escape into space has become a trope, and I'm wrestling with whether or not to accept it in applications going forward.

For specific feedback,

 

he was a very good warriror, always carrying a spear to battle

 

Traditionalist forces are described as being decimated in engagements. If all he had was a spear, what prevented him from being gunned down the moment he popped his head out of cover? In what manner did he fight that he could repeatedly enter No Man's Land? His falling to the breacher suit satisfies this in some way, but there's not really a feasible way he could survive multiple engagements.

 

when the Izweski reached Darakath at last, all of the village’s population was spared, except for the clan head, which one was beheaded in front of the whole village, showing what happens when someone messes with the Izweski Hegemony,[...]

 

I really like that you got how decapitation-happy the Izweski are.

 

When the large group arrived the modern city, clearly more technologically advanced than Res’karum[...]

 

You skim over a huge part of what would define Izkhan. Despite his lofty warrior status, Izkah during this period would be treated by Hegemony citizens as having less worth than the scum on the bottom of the shoes of Guwan: he can't be a paragon of Unathi tradition anymore because of the great sacrifices that would have to be made just to survive another day.

The best, strongest Unathi applications (and characters) are ones that focus on the struggle of adapting to the new world order placed upon the characters. The whole aesthetic of Unathi is the balance between tradition and 'progress'.

As for his honor code that you mentioned,

What are the main tenants of his code of honor? One thing I try to keep an eye on is the Unathi that get triggered by an insult against their honor and go full harm-baton. To counter this, the 'vanilla' code of honor has things like,

 

• Not executing a helpless foe.
• Not engaging in torture.
  
• Being above petty squabbles.
  
• Acting with integrity.

 

Being filled with the rage and distrust that you mentioned, would it be balanced by his chivalry, or do you see him picking many fights?

[Dragonspare]

The only major fault I can see in my first read-through is that you cite Res'karum as a small village - the cities marked on the map are actual cities, villages wouldn't be notable enough to mark on a global map. I have a Unathi from Res'karum, and they would be very surprised to find they've been living in a burnt out husk this entire time.

 

Sorry, that's my bad, i will just change the name later, i thought those names were villages, not cities, thanks for pointing that out!

 

I find that your character personifies nearly all the major Unathi tropes. A warrior fleeing a burning village to escape into space has become a trope.

 

Yeah, you may be right, but it's kind of the point, it was such an small village, that most of the news were said by the village head, describing the "invaders" as defilers and evil-doers, and Izkhan and his fellow villagers didn't have other choice but to hear him, causing a kinda brainwash and kinda missinformation for DECADES escenario, considering how stubborn the Unathi are, and how much time Izkhan was exposed to the missinformation, to the actual date IG he's still doubting of what to believe, because, the Jargon Federation and the Sol Alliance aren't that bad at the first looks, but then he remembers that they basically destroyed the Unathi society, a trait that i forgot to mention, my fault, is that Izkhan is always looking for second opinions in all kind of problems that may rise in security, he really doesn't wants to suffer from missinformation again.

 

but there's not really a feasible way he could survive multiple engagements.

 

That's a valid point, i know something that could work out, i will edit in later that he was only in one battle, but one hell of a battle at that, with the same results, carnage and his scar, which one adds a very unique point to Izkhan his fear/despice of the breacher suits, almost hindering my gameplay.

 

You skim over a huge part of what would define Izkhan. Despite his lofty warrior status, Izkah during this period would be treated by Hegemony citizens as having less worth than the scum on the bottom of the shoes of Guwan: he can't be a paragon of Unathi tradition anymore because of the great sacrifices that would have to be made just to survive another day.

The best, strongest Unathi applications (and characters) are ones that focus on the struggle of adapting to the new world order placed upon the characters. The whole aesthetic of Unathi is the balance between tradition and 'progress'.

Those two points goes together, i just got an idea to fill those points out while shoving it in the backstory, you just wait until the heads-up, that's one of the things that encouraged Izkhan to held the honor over everything else, thinking that the Unathis at the Izweski Hegemony are disgracefull, using dishonorable tactics in battle and treating them like scum even when the war is over, making Izkhan very recentfull against any Unathi that's part of them.

 

Being filled with the rage and distrust that you mentioned, would it be balanced by his chivalry, or do you see him picking many fights?

 

No, he won't pick fights that wouldn't be, either necesary or a straight up challenge, like a duel, but no fights are of insults, racism or petty things, that would break TWO points of the code of honor, talking of which, you're correct about it's use, Izkhan would use it to not lost his temper by every drunkard racist that calls him "ligger", in any way, he's somewhat recentfull against skrells, humans and Izweski supporters, but he doesn't lets that to get over his honor, his most redeeming quality, in fact, what they have done to him gives him another reason to held his honor high, to be better than them.

Thanks for all of the feedback, my application gets better with them, i look into the problems and i try to solve them, by the way, i'll let you know when the updated information gets editted in the actual whitelist.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Your eagerness and willingness to adjust your character shows genuine interest, and you hit the notes to my satisfaction, so I'll be happy to accept your application and see your character develop on the station.