Travis Davis journal entries

[the_furry]

[OOC: I never know where these things go so general seems fine (was for my last post). so I wanted to do a bio on Travis Davis to flush him out a bit more as a character, but wanted to try to do it a different way. Should have some good incites on why he does half the shit he does if anyone is interested. This is a journal entry as if he is writing one. And I’d love feedback on this. Also I tried to keep as much snowflakey out as possible @.@ also please tell me if there is something i need to change lore wise]

Entry 1 Beginning

So started seeing a counselor again after the latest incident that has an investigation going on me. He thinks it’s a good idea to start a journal of my thoughts and feelings. He also thinks it’s a good idea to start with a recap of my life. Guess it makes sense, know where you came from so you know where you’re going. I’ll break it down to 1st and 2nd tier schooling and higher education.

My family life; I grew up near the slums in mars. Back then I was Travis Andrews, mother’s maiden name. She had two other children with another man, liana and Steven older sister younger brother. Mother was the type to push everyone to improve themselves, education was important to her because she believe it was how we all would get off of that rock. She always said “always take steps to improve your life”. So she pushed everyone to make good grades and better themselves, a very loving mother that cared for all of her kids including me.

Now I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type and learning disabled during a psych evaluation at school. Had I known such a simple diagnoses would have such an impact on my life I would have skipped that day. I am still bitter about it and hate whatever doctor that it was that diagnosed me. Though I recognize I still have a hard time paying attention so it’s not like it’s completely inaccurate. After the diagnosed not a lot was ever expected of me. So my mother signed me up for retention learning classes. My mother would push brother and sister for higher grades. She wanted them to leave our poor situation. I know she wanted the same for me, at least she always told me she did. But after the diagnosis I don’t think she ever believed I could. You see when my brother or sister did poorly in school they were grounded as is standard. If I ever did (and I did often) well in her words I “simply tried my best”. Which now bugs me, but back then I liked not getting into trouble. It was the reverse that hurt, when I did do something good it was disregarded as a fluke, or I had some help, or at worse I must have cheated. No accomplishment I made was ever acknowledged as my doing. Mom never thought I cheated, but she often thought I had help or it was a fluke. Never being viewed as capable of anything more than simplicity is painful; especially coming from the ones you love. I grew to hate them. I know my siblings didn’t deserve it, they were simply being themselves. But I grew jealous of the acknowledgement they would get and thus I hated them for a very long time. As too my mother, she is not to blame she is not a demon, she loved me very much. She simply didn’t know how to raise me and what I needed. Of course my hatred and stubbornness (an aspect she says I have from father) would never allow me to tell them why I was behaving the way I was.

What I did was pretty straight forward and seen in most cases like mine. I started acting out, petty theft, minor assault, running away from home, the usually attention grabbing things a young person would do. Well this is where I made my first big mistake. One day when I left home, mom did not come looking for me. She was tiered after the several years of heartache and hatred I caused the family. Being young and stupid I blamed her, I know now that I had spent all her love for me to fuel my hatred that raged within. So I decided to leave, moved in with dad and I took on his name Davis.

Entry 2 2nd tier school

I can see why my parents did not stay together. Dad was not a bad guy, but he had no desire to improve himself and change his circumstances. He saw no value in education unlike mom (an aspect I am grateful I inherited from her). Dad simply did not care how I did at school. That was nice at first but it quickly wore when I began to realize I was alone in this world. You see when I was in 1st tier schooling I was placed in retention learning classes which is isolated from most of the population. Because of this I never learned social skills, a difficulty I have even today. Back then it resulted in the utter isolation of not having any friends. I remember things got bad here. Total isolation, a father that had no interest and no friends to talk to, it still hurts to think about the darkness that can grow in someone who is truly alone. Or what someone becomes capable of when they have such hatred and lonely feelings. Had I had the power I do today back then, I would have brought death to hundreds of lives, no real reason but I wanted everyone to hurt as much as I did. That kind of darkness never really goes away and it’s a burden I know I will be dealing with for likely the rest of my life. Being completely alone is something I will never wish upon anyone but I am constantly terrified that I will return to such a dark existence. And I know I still deal with it because I can conjure the hatred and darkness capable of untold destruction at will. I will realize this when I start working at NT but I’ll get to that later.

Anyways, this loneliness leads me to my second major mistake in life. On 21 November 2444 paramedics found me with a large laceration across my neck in an attempt to kill myself. Still embarrassing to think on it. People look at you so alien when you attempt that. I must have seemed so pathetic, there are people born in slavery and here I, decently successful student, am offing myself because mom and dad never paid attention to me. I could read that on people’s faces when they saw my scar, hell sometimes I think like that. But, they have no idea the sort of demons you can create by simple neglecting someone. Father’s reaction was that I was foolish and he had no idea why I was so sad. I guess in a way I was foolish, and I don’t know if mother ever found out. I know I will never attempt something like that again, and for the past 14 years since I am proud to say I haven’t. Anyways, for my attempt I was diagnosed with dysthymia and ordered to see a counselor twice a week.

Entry 3 Higher education

Even with my emotional problems I was doing surprisingly well in school, I was selected to attend luthien institute of bluespace tech as an improved positioning program. Really the program was to get some free labor out of students and see which ones might be useful to hephasestus industries. Luckily I was one. The program is a combination of 3rd year education and higher education. It was here that I met psychologist Charles Christoph, He was assigned to help me with my emotional issues and he did a great deal. I believe he was the first to really believe in me and acknowledge my successes. I attribute my life and success as a scientist to him. He encouraged me to improve myself in education, the way my mother did with my siblings. Even with my disabilities he knew I had a powerful mind, forced me to prove it to, first myself and then to my employer. Within two years I moved from basic assistant to standard engineer, another three years from that to show my educational potential to the research director and gain a transfer to science as a lab assistant.

Christopher also taught me to admit when I was wrong and to take actions to correct it. It’s because of him I contacted mom, one to apologize for leaving and two for connecting with her again. I am on speaking terms with them thought the hatred, be it misplaced, is still hard to get over. It’s still bumpy but at least we are speaking.

My psychologist declared me treated for my dysthymia and declared my learning disability was a misdiagnosis. I am still bitter about the diagnosis. Had I never been diagnosed I would have had my mother’s full love and support, I would never have ran from home or had my emotional issues. It’s hard not to get into a rage over that. Though I still have ADHD and I do know that. Anyways, all in all luthien was my best years, a good ten and I was quite happy most of the time. I guess I should also mention it was within my first two years of time on Luthien that I found out something else about myself. With zero social skills I never really spoke to people much and thus never had any desires for them. Luthien was the first time I met a tajaran and damn was he beautiful. Before then I never experienced any sort of desires so it was quite foreign to me (and still is for that matter). To say the least it was a blunder, I imagine the same way a boy talks to a girl he likes for the first time, only the boy is a lot older and should be more experienced and the girl is something that’s not human. Now I haven’t decided if my attraction for tajarans is a good thing or bad thing or just a thing. I don’t know if this is a remnant of my disabilities or a result of my lack of social skills or simply how I was born. It hasn’t caused too much of a problem, other than very awkward and inappropriate conversations, and I have been focused on much bigger issues at the time to deal with it as an issue.

Anyways, so from then on it has been pretty uphill until NT. I was in dark places in my early life but once I joined hephasestus my directors love me and my contribution to the study of bluespace xenology. I ended up graduating with a doctorate in telescience and specialization in xenobiology related to bluespace, along with several other certificates something I hold dear and am very proud of.

Entry 4 Employment with NT

So here we are, employed with NT for two years, I hate to think that my best days are behind me in Luthien but things haven’t been going well lately. The first station I was assigned to the NSS ANTLIA didn’t have very many friendly people. They were fairly advanced over my head and I was getting a lot of training in NT ways. As a result I had very little respect. There was an adorable tajaran girl that actually spoke to me. She was wonderful and picked up my mood though sadly had no real interest in me. Anyways I know I am part to blame for the unfriendly crew. I know my limits; I am awkward to all hell and cannot hold a conversation for a moment. I was able to get past it on land because I could always retreat to my own lab and home. On station you have to as a necessity get along with your coworkers and that means communicating with them. Because of the constant awkward and inappropriate comments it wasn’t long before I was transferred to another station the NSS ARA.

The ARA was not much better. It was here that I realized that darkness I have in me can become dangerous. There was another scientist constantly harassing and undermining my work, taking credit for what I had been doing. My anger grew quickly and to put the scientist in his place I decided to scare him. With my experience in telescience and xenobiology it was easy. I simply teleported him into a glass room mere inches away from two very ferocious slimes. No one was harmed and no one could figure out who did it. It was mainly viewed as a bad humored joke. But the message was fairly clear because he stopped speaking to me immediately. What I find terrifying is that I had the capability of doing that and the will to see it through. Being able to get away with it without a trace is even more terrifying. Telescience is a powerful weapon. I wonder how many telescientists are criminals simply because it’s so easy to get away with anything. Should I find myself in a more grave circumstance when people cross me I hate to think of what acts I would commit. Anyways it was not long till I was transferred to the NSS aurora where I have made my third big mistake.

My experience on the Aurora has been similar to my shared experience on both Antlia and ARA. Everyone is on the same level I am, so I get very little acknowledgement of my successes. I know I do the same and very rarely acknowledge other people (something I plan to work on, hardly fair that I want it so bad and I don’t offer it). Due to my behavior I alienate many of the crew and sadly many tajarans. There have been a few people that do acknowledge my contribution, a research director that I worked with, and a doctor is a good friend, or at least I like to think of her as one. Zero social skills make it impossible for me to figure out if I’m a likeable person at all. Awkward and inappropriate behavior is something that I worry will plague me for life. Many of the tajaran here are some of the most beautiful I have seen. Truly eye candy. We have an adorable nurse who’s an absolute scardy cat, he’s adorable and cute but I don’t think I could date a personality like that. Orsic I like, pretty adorable and relatable. I met him after I started putting my emotions in check so I may have a chance with him, at least I haven’t blundered yet. Though I have no idea if he’s even into men. Ria I’d also like to get to know but she’s always so busy as CMO. Of course there’s houssam as well, I know I’ll never get him so there’s no point in commenting about him, or his perfectly shaped butt. Houssams sister…never mind. Anyways off topic, one of the reasons I’m starting counseling again is because I realize the anger I have will cause me to do something I will regret. Like the scientist on the ARA there are several people here that have caused me to consider taking further actions. Most of which are damned lizards, some of the tajarans rub me the wrong way too, but I can’t blame them I know it’s my behavior.

Anyways my third big mistake; something I realize I do is act out when I don’t receive acknowledgement. This dates all the way back to my childhood. On aurora it started off simple, stealing Ian and pun pun, releasing docile slimes on the station. Simple and harmless but It doesn’t take long to go further, taking security headsets and important documents. And now I have an investigation looking into a charge of grand theft. I’m not going to detail what lead to that in this journal, but I am a suspect due to the nature of the theft and the lesser thefts I had committed in the past. I’m afraid I’m falling into old habits. There are times I catch myself in depression, thinking in anger and hatred. I’ll be sending Christoph a message later. I recognize in myself a lot of the issue. I’m terrified of being alone again, of not being recognized as a decent person with friends. When I get worried that is what is happening I do anything to fix it.

After reflecting on everything I’ve done in life. I recognize I come from dark places. Even if my life seems pretty well off, mother and father loved me and attempted to care for me, the emotional turmoil had caused a void that I am still combating. But coming from my life I also know it can be fixed. It will be a struggle but if I actively work on it attend my counseling sessions and update this journal I believe I can continue to improve my life, just as mom said “always take steps to improve you”