[Accepted] Unathi App Riqpley_Dagasd V1

[Lonely Caravan]

BYOND Key:

Riqpley_Dagasd

Character Names:

Khazkrarheahk Sanu'dra(security officer)/Mrawaii'r Mrrodynh(Medical Doctor/Virologist)/Sanueechkirraj Kahjurl(Drill Tech/Cargo tech)/Kahketkirran Darkrawakra(Xenobotanist/Scientist)

Species you are applying to play:

Unathi

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt):

Black

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?:

Yes, and i loved it.

Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question:

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

I wish to play as an Unathi because one day, i was playing as a wizard and i mind-transferred with an Unathi, and noticed some things that neither humans or Tajarra have, like the strength and the ability of taking much more damage than a human. I wish to play as Unathi because they have an Unique form of emotional displays, Social Mannerisms, etc. I would love to RP as an Unathi because they have a very interesting backstory and a war that killed more than two billion Unathi, and is almost destroying their world, and that was very traumatizing to the Sinta. One thing i like on the Unathi is that their technology changed so fast, that if they were in a station like the Exodus, there could be something that they never heard of. Something i would like to do too is see, how would my character be welcomed at the Exodus, because i know an Unathi on the station that supports the Coalition, so i would like to see how he would welcome Izkhezash.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

As i stated before, there are lots of differences, they have different mechanics, they have a very different lore, The Unathi have very different Emotional Displays, comparing to a human and the Unathi have a very hard past and they are still suffering from it. Another difference is that their tech changed so much in only 3 years, so they don't know some tech from the humans yet, and i would like to RP like this.

Character Name:

Izkhezash Ssha'Khus

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs:

 

Izkhezash Ssha'Khus is a 2,10m (close to 7ft) tall Unathi that was born in Mudki, in 2435. The Ssha'Khus clan was in there by generations, even before the Contact War, but it had to move in 2432, due to problems with other clans. It was consisted by 450 members, the majority of it was made of male adults, and most of them used to hunt With the entire clan hundreds of miles away from the nearest city, Da'ha'den. The Ssha'Khus clan heard about the humans and skrells arriving in Skalamar, and showing their technology. The clan thought they were friendly and they were going to help the Unathi, but they wanted to change their lifestyle, and this caused some revolt in the clan, but then, they showed the Extranet, and in the next year, the first fusion power plant, they changed the life of all the Unathi. When Ouerea was colonized, the Coalition attacked Res'Karum. The clan joined the Izweski side, and half of the clan males joined the Izweski army. When Izkhezash was 4 years old, he was playing, when suddently a loud explosion came from the horizon, Izkhezash ran back home, as his ears were ringing. He looked through the window, and saw a massive, mushroom cloud. Da'ha'den was hit. The atomic exchange started. All the clan ran to their homes, searching for shelter. The clan didn't got out of their terrain for one week, due the constant atomic bombs being dropped. After 8 days, the clan got out of their shelter to see what was left of the areas around them. The around the village, turned into a lifeless and radiated wasteland. The people that exited the village got poisoned by the radiation.

When the radiation lowered, they raided the remains of Da'ha'den, looking for the protective equipment needed to survive on the Wasteland and hoping to find survivors. The life turned very harsh, due to the sandstorms, damaging some houses. Izkhezash was choosen by the clan leader to be a hunter, and was teached how to hunt when he was 15 years old. When he was 20, he was told to hunt, two more hunters got out with him, but they splited. Izkhezash got a full radiation suit, with some armor under it, a spear, with the blade very sharp, some binoculars, and a small medkit, in case of any injuries. He was riding an Azkrazal through The Wasteland when he saw someone armed. Thinking the person was an Izweski warrior, he came closer from the stranger and asked who he was, the person said that was a warrior from the Traditionalist Coalition, looking for shelter. At that moment, Izkhezash had a flashback of all that he heard and saw, bombs falling from the sky, millions of warriors dying, and the coalition trying to end with the Izweski Nation. With rage, he took his spear out and asked for a honorable battle. Then the warrior pulled out the glaive and activated it. Izkhezash retreated for a little, then wielded his spear. The warrior rushed against Izkhezash and tried to slash him, but missed. Izkhezash embedded the spear in the warrior's chest, and pulled it out. The warrior roared in pain and and rushed against Izkhezash again, leaving a deep cut into Izkhezash's chest, making him fall on the ground. The Warrior raised his glaive, ready to cut Izkhezash's head off. when the glaive was about to lowed, Izkhezash slashed the Warrior's leg and rolled to the side. He grabbed his spear again and throwed it, hitting the Warrior's shoulder and making him drop the glaive. Izkhezash ran against the Warrior and pushed him, as he got the glaive. Izkhezash raised the glaive and beheaded the Warrior. He patched most of the wounds with the medkit, and walked to the nearest city, Res'karum. When Izkhezash was getting close to the city, he fell unconscious, and woke up in a hospital. He asked where he was, and one of the doctors said: "In Res'karum." He was hospitalized for 4 days, due to the serious wounds and the infections. When he got back, he saw that the village where his clan was in, was completely empty. He headed to the nearest cities, and nobody saw the clan. He decided to head to Skalamar, thinking that they could have been there. He asked some people, and one of them said that they headed to the shuttleport and boarded on of the shuttles. Separated of his clan and homeless, Izkhezash searched for hours, asking the staff of the place for any documents that could lead where their clan was. After hours looking, he didn’t found anything. So he resolved to look for a job, where he could earn money and have somewhere to stay, the first company that he remembered was NanoTrasen, so he decided to join it. He wanted to be related to the law, so he received the desired trainment for the NT internal security and was transferred to Tau Ceti, in a station called Exodus.

 

What do you like about this character?

I like Izkhezash because he passed through a lot of things, and i would like to see how would Izkhezash be received on the NSS Exodus.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?

I would rate 8 to 10, in a scale to 10.

Notes:

I'm sorry by my horrible english, i am not north american, and sorry by any lore errors that i commited, but any comments are good for me, and i don't think this will get accepted, i am 50% certain that i will get denied, and, i need to see my errors, and feel free to say them. (i will not randomly challenge people to battles)

Edited January 31, 2017 by Guest

[Coalf]

Seems like I shall be the first herald of the apocalypse.

First the obvious things.

So, by reading it I have summed up this, while this guy was 15 years old he became a hunter and got a breacher, now hold on a second, if I am not mistaken Breachers are pretty fucking rare and in a clan that had 450 heads in its prime?

Not to mention they gave him a breacher to go hunt food, that is the equivalent of giving someone a tank to go deer hunting. (not including the electronic spear and laser gun (muh honor) )

Now by random conicidence he bumps into this Coalition guy and points his gun at him, at which point the coalition guy pulls out his glaive and for some reason Izkhezash, not only switches to his spear, I guess for honor but gets off of his Azkrazal which makes the animal pointless but hey if he wants his honor.

Now at this point he stabs the warrior in the chest and renders him unconscious only for the warrior to be brought back and executed which renders that whole fight completely irrelevant.

And suddenly we are somewhere else and Izkhezash has already passed and is in NanoTrasen.

I mean, your whole backstory is a massive mess, it seems you wanted to make a cool rootin' tootin' bullet shootin' with no actual way to connect it together, we know nothing about your character, his motivations, history anything, we just know he got in a fight once and was from some clan, that is it.

Now the ugly part, where I judge you as a player.

You are all over the place man, sometimes you have great moments where role-playing with you can be a joy but those moments are overshadowed by the amount of times where you just acted goofy and annoying.

And I get it, being goofy is fine, in moderation.

But acting like a pirate five consecutive rounds stops being funny really fast.

Honestly this needs work and a lot of work, we have plenty of good Unathi players who would love to give advice to someone like you, ask them.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Hello! Sorry about the delay.

Coalf hits a lot of the major points I had with this application. Breachers are the equivalent of main battle tanks; they are a sign of prestige, wealth, and power, and used with frightening veracity on the battlefield. Using one to go hunting would be a massive waste of already limited resources.

The interaction with the Coalition Unathi is more nuanced. While yes, it's bizarre and silly that he'd dismount, throw away his gun and 1v1 him irl in such a ceremonial way, but I guess it can be a major aspect of his character. No one would have called him a pussy if he just charged the enemy while on his Azkrazal and gored him, mind.

However the nuance that I gave you above stumbles when they just up and execute the prisoner and there's no more comment on it. Executing a helpless prisoner is rather dishonorable - it would be improved by giving a reason. Were they consumed by rage and a wish for revenge against the Coalition, and so behaved dishonorably against Coalition prisoners? Did Izkhezash object to the execution of a warrior he had bested in fair, honorable combat? Did he argue to ransom the guy back to his own clan or hand him off to be put in prison? Going through all the risk and trouble of fighting a duel only to have your worthy enemy beheaded would make most unathi a little pissy, I think. It just seems a conflict with the clan as well as the character.

In totality, your character is rather vague on the why's in his life. If you improve the motivations and remove the breacher suit for hunting then this stands a much better chance at being accepted.

[Dragonspare]

First off, sorry for any missconception i've gave you about the lore, maybe i wasn't on my bearings at the time, so let's start.

You explained rather nicely the story of the war, at least to me, that i understand the lore of the race you're applying to.

 

when he saw someone armed. Thinking the person was an Izweski warrior, he came closer from the stranger and asked who he was, he said that was a warrior from the Traditionalist Coalition, looking for shelter. Izkhezash took his spear out and asked for a honorable battle. Then the warrior pulled out the glaive and activated it. Izkhezash retreated for a little, then wielded his spear. The warrior rushed against Izkhezash and tried to slash him, but missed. Izkhezash embedded the spear in the warrior's chest, and pulled it out. The warrior roared in pain and and rushed against Izkhezash again, leaving a deep cut into Izkhezash's chest, making him fall on the ground. The Warrior raised his glaive, ready to cut Izkhezash's head off. when the glaive was lowering, Izkhezash slashed the Warrior's leg and rolled to the side. He grabbed his spear again and throwed it, hitting the Warrior's shoulder and making him drop the glaive. Izkhezash ran against the Warrior and pushed him, as he got the glaive. Izkhezash raised the glaive and beheaded the Warrior.

 

Why did you even add this fight to the backstory, what's the purpose of it? it helps to prove that he is a warrior and such? if it's that it accomplishes what you want to tell, but it can seem very random, the only time he went out hunting (or so i understanded) he crossed a warrior of the opossite faction, what are the odds?

All and all, the end of the story is pretty straight forward, a few flaws here and there, but i got those too when i applied for this same species, i'm truly happy that i arrived when all of the previously commented problems, and i'm happy that the other users pointed out said problems, going OCCly, you seem like a doof when you play Sanu'Dra sometimes, but you're average officer game is not that bad, if you can manage to keep that level while playing Izkhezash (by the way, props for the name, i really envy your creativity with such, i really suck at making those) it would be great.

Concluding this, i finally bringed myself to comment in an app, second time i do this, so i hope my criticism was fair and please answer the question i made in the review, i'm hoping to see this character develop in game and how he gets along with the rest of the crew.

This mades it, +1 from me if you answer my question

[Tequilajoe]

Sanu is well-known, and his player overall displays good RP and a solid understanding of his race's lore. If Riqpley can do taj, they can do unathi too, I'm positive. +1

EDIT: I got excited for a minute when I got the alert that someone actually quoted me! What a shame it was not for positive reasons, eheh...

Regardless, I stand by my feedback even if Loow disagrees, as I think the positive reputation of the player should be taken into account. I would not post positive feedback for a player I've had problems with. The biography indicates thought and effort, and while I'm not particularly well-versed in Unathi lore, I dont see any glaring issues with the application. Perhaps my standards are too low, but this app looks good enough to me.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Guest

[Loow]

Hey. Loow here.

Gonna drop some feedback. You've clearly put in work, and I feel critique is the best way to help something improve.

As a note: I had gotten about halfway through writing a response to this app when I suddenly lost all progress on the post. I'm hoping I can make up for this with in-depth analysis. I've actually been working on my old Unathi whitelist application with renewed gusto over these last few days, so I can't help but be a little more interested in responding to apps on the species right now.

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

I wish to play as an Unathi because one day, i was playing as a wizard and i mind-transfered with an Unathi, and i noticed some things that neither humans or Tajarra have, like the trength and the ability of taking much more damage than a human. I wish to play as Unathi because they have an Unique form of emotional displays, Social Mannerisms, etc. I would love to RP as an Unathi because they have a very interesting backstory and a war that killed more than two billion of Unathi, and is almost destroying their world, and that was very traumatizing to the Sinta.

There are a few spelling/grammar/whatever notes to make on this section, but that's okay. Nobody's perfect, and everything's a chance to learn. I'll mention a few of them so we can move on to other things. The "s" in "strength" is missing. "Transferred" is spelled slightly differently. The lowercase "i" next to "noticed" should ideally be a capital "I" in that context. The underlined "of" could be deleted entirely to make that idea flow more smoothly. "... a war that killed more than two billion Unathi..." The last sentence drags on a little. If you wanted to, you could cut it into several smaller sentences.

I'm not crazy about the idea that mechanical details (perceived strength and damage resistance) attracted you to the species, but we don't exactly pick what catches our attention. Your answer to the second prompt is quite short. I think this might partly be because much of your answer to the first prompt actually applies to the second.

I'd suggest using some of your ideas from the first question to expand upon the second. You could possibly also consider going into greater detail about what you like about the Unathi when you're saying why "you wish to play this specific race" and give us some of your honest thoughts. It couldn't hurt. As it stands, your answer is more focused on stating facts than explaining how you feel about them.

 

Character Name:

Izkhezash Ssha'Khus

I'd like to stop and say that this is a very strong name. I like it. The apostrophe might feel like a little much to me, but the name as a whole is very alien and looks quite creative to me. Not bad.

 

Izkhezash Ssha'Khus is a 2,10m (close to 7ft) tall Unathi that was born in Mudki, in 2435. The Ssha'Khus clan was in there by generations, even before the Contact War, but it had to move in 2432, due to problems with other clans. It was consisted by 450 members, the majority of it was made of male adults, and most of them used to hunt With the entire clan hundreds of miles away from the nearest city, Da'ha'den. The Ssha'Khus clan heard about the humans and skrells arriving in Skalamar, and showing their technology. The clan thought they were friendly and they were going to help the Unathi, but they wanted to change their lifestyle, and this caused some revolt in the clan, but then, they showed the Extranet, and in the next year, the first fusion power plant, they changed the life of all the Unathi. When Ouerea was colonized, the Coalition attacked Res'Karum. The clan joined the Izweski side, and half of the clan males joined the Izweski army. When Izkhezash was 4 years old, he was looking at the sky, as loud explosions came from the horizon, and big flashes, and then, giant smoke clouds raised through the sky. Da'ha'den was hit. The atomic exchange started. All the clan ran to their homes, searching for shelter. The clan didn't got out of their terrain for one week, due the constant atomic bombs being dropped. After 8 days, the clan got out of the terrain to see what was left of the areas around them. all the terrain around the clan, turned into a lifeless and radiated wasteland. The people that exited the terrain got poisoned by the radiation.

When the radiation lowered, they raided the remains of Da'ha'den, looking for the protective equipment needed to survive on the Wasteland. The life turned very harsh, due to the sandstorms, damaging some houses. Izkhezash was choosen by the clan leader to be a hunter, and was teached how to hunt when he was 15. He was told to hunt something to feed the clan, two more hunters got out to hunt, but they splited. Izkhezash got a full radiation suit, with some armor under it, a spear, with the blade very sharp, some binoculars, and a small medkit, in case any member of the Coalition show up. He was riding an Azkrazal through The Wasteland when he saw someone armed. Thinking the person was an Izweski warrior, he came closer from the stranger and asked who he was, he said that was a warrior from the Traditionalist Coalition, looking for shelter. Izkhezash took his spear out and asked for a honorable battle. Then the warrior pulled out the glaive and activated it. Izkhezash retreated for a little, then wielded his spear. The warrior rushed against Izkhezash and tried to slash him, but missed. Izkhezash embedded the spear in the warrior's chest, and pulled it out. The warrior roared in pain and and rushed against Izkhezash again, leaving a deep cut into Izkhezash's chest, making him fall on the ground. The Warrior raised his glaive, ready to cut Izkhezash's head off. when the glaive was lowering, Izkhezash slashed the Warrior's leg and rolled to the side. He grabbed his spear again and throwed it, hitting the Warrior's shoulder and making him drop the glaive. Izkhezash ran against the Warrior and pushed him, as he got the glaive. Izkhezash raised the glaive and beheaded the Warrior. He patched most of the wounds with the medkit, and walked to the nearest city, Res'karum. When Izkhezash was getting close to the city, he fell unconscious, and woke up in a hospital. He asked where he was, and one of the doctors said: "In Res'karum." He was hospitalized for 4 days, due to the serious wounds and the infections. When he got back, he saw that the village where his clan was in, was completely empty. He headed to the nearest cities, and nobody saw the clan. He decided to head to Skalamar, thinking that they could have been there. He asked some people, and one of them said that they headed to the shuttleport and boarded on of the shuttles. Separated of his clan and homeless, Izkhezash resolved to join the NanoTrasen, where he would earn money, and have a home. He was hired as a security officer in a station called NSS Exodus.

 

Let's get started on the biography.

There is a lot to be said about it, but I'd rather not be hypercritical of every detail. I'll try to make a few points and keep moving.

If Izkhezash was looking at the horizon when the bombs fell, then he's likely blind. If he heard and saw the explosions that crippled Moghes, then he might even be deaf. You also use the word terrain a few times when describing the newly formed wasteland. I'm not sure it works in all of those cases, and it might be nice to see a little more variation in word choice.

The battle scene seems unnecessary. There are a few issues leading up to that point, but I just don't see a blow by blow description of an objectively meaningless fight as something that helps us understand the character. The two combatants were both survivors of a horrible event, and your description points out that they likely couldn't leave their shelters until shortly before this fight. Why would two strangers care about fighting each other after their surroundings have been so thoroughly decimated? They happened to be at opposite ends of a relatively short conflict, but the world as they know it may have just ended. These people don't know exactly how bad the damage is and it seems like their priorities both seem to be immediate survival. One wants food for his people, and the other wants shelter. It makes more sense that the strangers would try to come some sort of agreement. The main character has shelter and the survivor (who may have been surviving on his own for some time) could have known how to get food in the wastes. They could have hunted together. If nothing else, they could have both just walked away.

This biography seems incredibly rushed in terms of pacing. This guy has no idea where his family is, so he decides to work for NanoTrasen? There's a huge jump in logic there. I like the idea that he's trying to make himself a new home, but the biography glazes over how Izkhezash feels as a character.

You have quite a bit of good feedback to consider, but I'm going to take a moment to point out a reply that does not help the applicant.

Sanu is well-known, and his player overall displays good RP and a solid understanding of his race's lore. If Riqpley can do taj, they can do unathi too, I'm positive. +1

I disagree with quite a few of the sentiments in this response.

First of all, I disagree with the idea that being "well known" makes anyone qualified for a whitelist. You can be not very well known at all and still impress people with an interesting character design and thought provoking dialogue. While endorsements help tremendously, they're hardly any good at all if they have no substance to them.

I also disagree with the assertion that "If [anyone]can do taj, they can do unathi too." Feedback is especially important when you already have one whitelist, because it gives others the chance to share any thoughts they may have regarding your current characters. In other words, you might get an idea of what people think of the characters you made with your first whitelist.

 

i need to see my errors

I cannot stress enough how glad I was to read this. I get the impression that you genuinely want to improve, which is a good trait to see in anyone. You might not get this whitelist, but I hope it will help you along the way as you continue writing.

I hope some of this feedback helps you. I do not support this application, but I do look forward to seeing you improve over time. I'm offering a -1, but I do hope that you will keep on writing.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Hello,

I am sorry this application sat for so long. I was waiting for Riqpley_Dagasd to respond to the feedback presented, and then lost this thread to the bottom of the subforum when it never pinged me for new replies.

In the future, if your application goes a length of time (4 days) without comment or feedback, please PM me.

Now I don't want to have this sit any longer, but I don't want to pass the application with negative feedback that Loow articulated. Can you respond to his post and how you can adjust your application to suit his concerns, or how you disagree with something in it? An acknowledgement of the criticism is what I'm looking for, because it's well articulated and I agree with many of the presented points.

[Lonely Caravan]

Hey, Loow.

Thanks by the reply, you helped me a lot showing me the errors that i commited on this application, and i did my best to fix them. I also agree with all your points.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Application accepted!