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I had some time to think over the past few days. Took up smoking. Ended up relieving more stress than I thought possible. Decided, "I suppose this'll be my thing. For a bit."

While mulling over a cloud of tobacco, I began to think. Coughing due to lack of experience interrupted this a few times. Eventually, the gears in my head churned. Started learning a bit more about myself, it seemed. I looked back to a few days ago, listening to the TeamSpeak. I asked Skull and Co for help. They gave advice. Over the past two days, and now, as ashes sort of litter the keyboard a bit, I think I might have a direction.

But, I think it'd be simpler to go back a little. Start from the beginning.

I came to this server a few months ago, not really understanding the mechanics of SS13. I learned a bit in engineering. It was my first real taste of a department. A lot, actually. Robusting people doesn't matter if you can't survive every mishap that could go on. Depressurization, fire, explosions, poisoned air, how to deal with these issues and teach people how to deal with them as well. Hell. Robusting doesn't even matter. From what I've seen, security is a useless department and assuming the rest of the station didn't fall prey to self-antaggers or griffons. Well, the station could handle itself. It wouldn't need the hassle of toiling "law" and et cetera. But, unfortunately, we have a lore to follow. NT has to protect its assets somehow, it can't leave them to fend for themselves. It's ridiculous.

But, moving on. I learned a lot in my first few weeks on Aurora. Didn't really RP much to begin with. Engineers don't get much RP with other people if you're always doing something productive, from my experience. Though, to be honest, I didn't look for it. I hungered for knowledge. I wanted to know more.

The game got addicting. Each round, there was always something new to learn. Some crazy situation to deal with, something challenging and difficult to react to. At the time, at least. It was difficult. But it was engaging. It was unlike anything I'd played in a long, long time... Morrowind, being the first thing I can think of. There's just a trove of immersion to be extracted from either game. But for SS13, it's always different. Morrowind's scripted to the brim, but its still enjoyable. SS13 punishes you for truly terrible mistakes, or perhaps for the good ones as well. It was... intoxicating. I wanted more.

I realized, well, I finally know a good majority of mechanics in engineering. Onto medical, I thought.

Yeah. I hated it. So boring, when nobody would be wounded and the vast majority of medbay wouldn't be present. "They're probably ERPing in the surgery freezer," I mused. Later on, as I would be chosen for antags, I took what I learned to good use, sometimes. Chemistry was fun to toy with. I tried Science next.

God, I was even more intoxicated by science. Dangerously so. Science was just too... tempting, to utilize the secrets gained to perhaps kill every person on the station without any counterplay to that whatsoever... yet, I held myself back from operating on such a large scale. It didn't help that I made Lawgivers whenever I could and hunted antagonists. It didn't help that I detonated bombs at random parts of the station, effectively causing a larger hassle for other people who just want a decent round. It didn't help that I learned how to be an absolute powergaming shithead in every or any aspect... but. I learned that Science itself is a deathtrap for those who want to know more. It's terrifying how it baits innocents in who just want to learn... and turns them into something worse.

I turned away from the dark side, so to speak. I tried security, next. I did okay. I didn't like the aspect that I had to bully people around to do my job. I didn't like working with difficult co-workers who have no legitimate reason to be difficult. I found it a bit cute, learning how much of a stupid advantage someone could get with just a stun baton, flashbang, and a hardsuit. It felt unfair. But it was there for a reason, maybe. I don't know. I tried moving onto more challenging pastures.

I applied for a head whitelist. Since my experiences with engineering were, quite frankly, much better, Hardin Stryker appeared out of the mist. I got whitelisted. I did okay as a CE. My superiors never let my department do anything fun such as building strip clubs or secure bunkers or private science vaults. No, ended up sitting in the lounge talking with people about how horribly boring our jobs are, until something explodes. Then we grab our gear and assess the damage and fix it right up.

Suddenly, I thought I had a taste for commanding security. Vira De Santos appeared. Nobody really cared at first. I think I was nice to Nursie at one point, ICly. That was the first time people began to really know me better. I actually began RPing seriously, I did pretty well. I was fair, I was kind to a point. If anyone neglected their duty to an extreme extent, I went chop-chop-chopping heads off. Figuratively, of course...

Then, I somehow decided one day Vira deserved a promotion after the worst nuke round in my life. She became Captain. At the time, people would often cheer as the announcement appeared in the chatbox. People really enjoyed who I was then. I don't think I had the hindsight to realize what would come next after all of the dicking about for a few months.

I ended up doing terrible, terrible things. I made decisions that didn't make sense. I became reckless, ICly and OOCly. My play began to suffer and people began to notice. Complaints started sprouting up on the forums. I kept thinking somehow, somehow... I was in the right, and everyone else was wrong. I was bloodthirsty, ICly. I was so driven on being a robust captain or which and whatever... that I forgot what was really important. I forgot that Aurora wasn't about being the most robust, it's not about bragging rights on the teamspeak or OOC, it's not about the mixed bag that is ChairRP.

Aurora was about acting by example. Being a better person, and influencing others to do by you as well, to become better individuals. To quote Skull, "manipulating people to better themselves." I responded in confusion when I first heard this. It was absurd. It felt wrong to hear. Didn't people have the right of liberty, to be their own person and not have anyone else pressure them into being someone they're simply not?

Honestly. That was a loaded question. Maybe people don't deserve to be the people they are. Maybe they should be fashioned in a way that better befits the greater good. Finely chiseled drones, as it were... but, still. Nearing perfection. Lacking critical flaws, being cheered on as the true model of citizenship. It might be better than the alternative.

But to the point. Can one tip their own scales with so much weight on one side? Is the balance meant to be unhinged? Is it realistic or logical to think people can get better?

I don't know. I haven't inhaled enough tobacco yet, to unlock these answers, it seems... but. One thing I do know. It's not changing that's the hard part.

It's letting go.

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I read it all.

Sure, there have been dark times on this server.

We have dark times individually in the real world, too.

I left this community without notice back in October, and it took a lot of tolerance to forget the kinds of things I remember and see the community in a new way, which I was finally able to.

Not a single one of those problems was with you.

I have yet to have a single issue with you, Delta. I've always really liked you.

I'm up for a presentation now so whoops gotta go, but I hope you realize soon how much a lot of people actually look up to you

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Some people don't deserve to be the people they are, because sometimes, they don't want to. Some people, deserve to be who they are, because they won't be anyone else. But for people that want to be better people then they are, they just need a slight push onto a path.


Eh, then again, I'm a horribly self righteous person, so there you go.

But, Delta, you're not as bad a person as you think you are.

Yeah, you did somethings you'd rather others forget, but we all do that.

Even I've gotten Bwoinked a few times.

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  • 3 months later...

You know, just looking aback a bit at my previous posts.

I'm not entirely sure if I've improved. I'm definitely happier now that I have my whitelist back, I got that going for me. Happiness is nice, yes? Even if it is fleeting. I feel a bit easier to please than I once was, and I laugh more at the silly rulebreaking things rather than get upset at them now. I feel calmer, a bit more at peace.

I've changed in the past few months, I suppose. Even if this does seem ranty, overapologetic and beggy... well, it looks as though I'm improving, at least.

Oh, and I decided smoking was bad for me and I took up drinking instead. Hoh well.

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