Depression

[Kerbal22]

So, yeah, basically what it says in the title.

For those who don't know or can't tell, i suffer from depression, and i know this may seem a bit self-obsessed, but i was honestly wondering if anyone else in the community is.

I honestly need some support these days, considering that a few weeks ago i was flying high and happy, and i was around quite a bit..and now, i'm just..it's hard to describe. I'm in a pit that i can't climb out of, and I'm in pain i can't escape.

So, yeah. Anyone else willing to share?

[Dea Tacita]

Hiya Kerbs.

I do, but not because of any problem you have.

For anyone who doesn't know, I have a neurologically degenerative disease called Huntington's disease, which is active in my case (Though still in its early stages). Huntington's has a bunch of treatment options that try to make your life a lot more comfortable, but it's currently uncurable (Though progress is being made). The fact that I'm dieing slowly is depressing enough as is, though I've learned to come to terms with that.

As Huntington's IS a neurological disorder, it tends to fuck up your nervous system, which causes (But is not limited to)

- Chorea (Involuntary jerking/writhing)

- Muscle problems (Contractions, rigidity, that fun stuff)

- Difficulty in focusing on tasks

- Tendency to get stuck on thoughts (You'll basically obsess about something and be utterly unable to stop)

- Loss of Impulse control

and as I was getting to.

- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

- Mania

- Bipolar disorder

I try not to make it immensely noticeable, but I do indeed have bouts of insufferable, soul-crushing depression. Though I am rather heavily medicated in an attempt to lessen the symptoms, as anyone whose taken anti-depressants knows they're not always even remotely effective.

So nah brah. You're not alone here.

Sorry if this came off as self-centered, but I thought I should explain the reason behind my issues.

[Rechkalov]

...the funny state of being when one does perceive themselves so worthless that they do not even care to get better. Ultimate stagnation.

Frankly, I am afraid to comment on the topic; it seems to me that only those who experience it can comprehend it, and at the same time, why on Earth would you want to take advice from those.

So rather, let me just throw some names and titles here:

Anthony De Mello - Awareness

Erich Fromm - pretty much everything.

Both authors are incredibly brilliant, have insight into human mind beyond my wildest imagination, and somehow manage to be overflowing with compassion and love in their works - each through radically different approach.

I would highly suggest you give them a try. Awareness can also be found on youtube, if you're not a big fan of reading.

Edit:

Perhaps there is one advice I can offer without fearing of messing things up even more; creativity. Now, that doesn't have to mean making art or anything; creativity in the wider sense of the word, from literally creating things to creative (as opposed to passive) relationship to people.

It is the only 'cure' I am aware of, and also the only source of actual feeling of fullfilment I know; ultimately, even having fun, whether with friends or with games, is not a creative process in itself and is bound to leave you empty and unhappy.

Think of something you'd like to do. Something that means a lot to you, not for what it represents, but simply because you (would) enjoy doing it; then go through the common process of looking for excuses as to why you can't do it, about how the circumstances always put you down, and then face the simple but undeniable fact: none of that matters.

You either do it, or you don't. Everything else is irrelevant and but your projection.

So screw everything else and just bucking do it.

[Guest]

Of course you're not the only one. I think I've basically been suffering from chronic depression from age 14, a side-effect of debilitating lack of self-worth, caused by pretty much being shat on from first day of school. Labeled as lazy and spolied, a fact which, while not completelly untrue, was never handled properly. As a consequence of this, I was either always sent on a guilt trip of being a worthless piece of shiet or hated people who did it to me (including my parants). I spent most of my young life thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

Visiting a psychologist never produced any real results because, being a male in my culture, I was expected just to suck it up and deal with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm lazy and it's the main reason that I failed college, but I've pretty much failed at every other aspect of my life because of the mentioned issue. I've distanced myself from most people I called friends and failed spectacularly at any attempt to find a decent girlfriend because I can't stand being judged, while I judge myself all the time in a way people describe as 'brutally harsh'. Yet, only emotional and moral support I get from my father is 'get off your goddamn computer and go socialize/study/find a girlfriend', like all of my issues are somehow tied to some undeniable truth that I'm some 'pussy' who can't grow balls after ten years of being constantly harrased by his peers.

I will apologize if what I just wrote seems like incomprehensible gibberish, but I can't even talk about this topic without getting a small emotional breakdown. I think I'm done ranting now, took me 30 minutes to write it just due to the fact how fucked up all of this seems in my head.

[Rechkalov]

Of course you're not the only one. I think I've basically been suffering from chronic depression from age 14, a side-effect of debilitating lack of self-worth, caused by pretty much being shat on from first day of school. Labeled as lazy and spolied, a fact which, while not completelly untrue, was never handled properly. As a consequence of this, I was either always sent on a guilt trip of being a worthless piece of shiet or hated people who did it to me (including my parants). I spent most of my young life thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

Visiting a psychologist never produced any real results because, being a male in my culture, I was expected just to suck it up and deal with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm lazy and it's the main reason that I failed college, but I've pretty much failed at every other aspect of my life because of the mentioned issue. I've distanced myself from most people I called friends and failed spectacularly at any attempt to find a decent girlfriend because I can't stand being judged, while I judge myself all the time in a way people describe as 'brutally harsh'. Yet, only emotional and moral support I get from my father is 'get off your goddamn computer and go socialize/study/find a girlfriend', like all of my issues are somehow tied to some undeniable truth that I'm some 'pussy' who can't grow balls after ten years of being constantly harrased by his peers.

I will apologize if what I just wrote seems like incomprehensible gibberish, but I can't even talk about this topic without getting a small emotional breakdown. I think I'm done ranting now, took me 30 minutes to write it just due to the fact how fucked up all of this seems in my head.

 

This... this sounds very, very familiar.

But I feel like I have to point out that- indeed. One has to simply suck it up. Nobody else can give you a sense of self-worth, and even if they did, you would then be depending on them for the confirmation of your worth; which you would undoubtedly realize, and get right back on this track.

You are your problem, and you alone have to deal with it.

Besides, having somebody else 'rescue' you wouldn't do your sense of worth much good, would it? I mean, then you'd perceive yourself as so weak that you need others to fight even your doubts about yourself.

And frankly, realizing that it was myself who was screwing me up in the head made it incredibly easier to cope with it.

You simply stop doing it to yourself.

I wish I knew how to put this into words better... at any rate, best of luck. While in one sense overcoming yourself as your worst enemy is incredibly easy, it is somehow at the same time the most absurdly difficult thing.

Guess you could call it a matter of perspective. It's important to stop identifying with the 'hurt, fundamentally wrong and looked down upon' self, and in full consciousness recognize yourself -accept yourself- as the torturer and ultimate judge who keeps on condemning you.

God I'm poor with words. I cannot stress how much I would -yet again- recommend the literature I mentioned earlier. While not dealing exclusively with this issue, there's some invaluable insight that I believe can help you, but which I don't understand that well as to be able to reproduce it with my own words.