[Denied]ShadowGabe23's Tajara Application Remastered Edition

[ShadowGabe23]

BYOND Key:ShadowGabe23

Character Names:Amy Colbain, Ackin'on Ky'rat, Camila Garcia

Species you are applying to play:Zhan-Khazan Tajara

What colour do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt):Blue-Grey (RGB 34, 37, 50)

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes

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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

I wish to play this race as they have a dense backstory that I could utilise in order to create an in depth and interesting character that has a lot of stories to tell and many things to learn. This could be done by me talking about the different revolutions and how my character played a role in them, and how they were able to stay alive during them. I could also use their backstories in order to let my characters life tell a story that people would understand and hopefully would learn about my character from.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

Being a Tajara is very different than being a human as they have so much history about them that can change how they act around other people and how they show feelings towards other species. This would make playing a Tajara an interesting thing to do and something that could expand not only my experience with their lore but my experience with roleplaying and how I can play in general.

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Character Name:Zar'im Da'khir

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs

Zar'im was born on Adhomai with a very poor and labouring family, he was forced to work at a very young age due to his father being ill. He had to work for his family to stay alive and survive, when he was around the age of 9 he began to look for a job for him to do, one that could support him and his family for the harsh winters to come. While young he was seemingly separated from the political world of Adhomai, as he worked in and around Amohda he began to hear talks about the Adhomai Liberation Army, the idea of a free world had interested Zar'im causing him to be influenced by the idea of a place that he and his family could live happily. When he heard about the many wars, he grew to be bulkier and stronger he began to work harder than he had ever worked. When he was around the age of 17 he wanted to fight for those he had been influenced by, after building up and joining the war, heard of the plot to assassinate Rhagrrhuzau Hadii, when he heard this he realized that this would not make the Zhan-Khazan popular even if the assassination was successful. After seeing many of his friends die in the revolution he decided to go A.W.O.L to see his family before anything went very wrong. By this time he was 22 years old. When he returned to his family, he saw that his home had been destroyed and his family were gone, after believing that they were dead for almost two years he began to wander, looking for any job he could pick up, and any money he could obtain. Halfway through the second year of this almost nomadic life he discovered a file ,he found while scavenging near a NT shuttle launch site, containing a long list of Tajara who were transferred to mars after NanoTrasen were re-injected into the Tajara way of life. He thinking that him getting to mars was hopeless, thought that his family most likely thought he was dead anyway. And he wanted to spare them the pain of seeing him again, knowing their address, he could occasionally send anonymous money to his family, to keep them stable and out of trouble.

He began to come to terms with the fact that he would never see his family again, not in the same way anyway, thought he still wanted a life and not to let the darkness of his past spoil the hope of the future. Fed up with the planet of Adhomai he looked for something he could at least help someone not make the same mistakes he did not want any person to be hurt by any means. He wanted to be someone that anyone in the vast universe could look up to, and care about. He wanted to be the role model security officer that people could trust and understand. He bounced around from different stations and slowly went through the cadet ships and allowed himself to become cadet on the NSS Aurora.

What do you like about this character?

How would you rate your role-playing ability? I would give my self a 7.8/10 because I can sometimes mix up some factors of other species and sometimes my own.

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Notes: Backstory edited for more in depth and interesting plot.

Edited July 31, 2017 by Guest

[Butterrobber202]

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook.

I like your lizard alot and he RP's well. But this app is just another one of those. 'He's been in poverty and the war orphaned him and now he's out for revenge, rawr' Stories that happen alot.

the app is...meh, player is alright. I'd make a more original story to boost your chances of success.

[ShadowGabe23]

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook.

I like your lizard alot and he RP's well. But this app is just another one of those. 'He's been in poverty and the war orphaned him and now he's out for revenge, rawr' Stories that happen alot.

the app is...meh, player is alright. I'd make a more original story to boost your chances of success.

 

Thank you for this feed back, I am going to attempt to make my story more original and interesting.

[Mofo1995]

BYOND Key:ShadowGabe23

Character Names:Amy Colbain, Ackin'on Ky'rat, Camila Garcia

Species you are applying to play:Zhan-Khazan Tajara

What colour do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt):Blue-Grey (RGB 34, 37, 50)

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes

---

---

Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

I wish to play this race as they have a dense backstory that I could utilise in order to create an in depth and interesting character that has a lot of stories to tell and many things to learn. This could be done by me talking about the different revolutions and how my character played a role in them, and how they were able to stay alive during them. I could also use their backstories in order to let my characters life tell a story that people would understand and hopefully would learn about my character from.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

Being a Tajara is very different than being a human as they have so much history about them that can change how they act around other people and how they show feelings towards other species. This would make playing a Tajara an interesting thing to do and something that could expand not only my experience with their lore but my experience with roleplaying and how I can play in general.

---

---

Character Name:Zar'im Da'khir

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs

Zar'im was born on Adhomai with a very poor and labouring family, he was forced to work at a very young age due to his father being ill. He had to work for his family to stay alive and survive, when he was around the age of 9 he began to look for a job for him to do, one that could support him and his family for the harsh winters to come. While young he was seemingly separated from the political world of Adhomai, as he worked in and around Amohda he began to hear talks about the Adhomai Liberation Army, the idea of a free world had interested Zar'im causing him to be influenced by the idea of a place that he and his family could live happily. When he heard about the many wars, he grew to be bulkier and stronger he began to work harder than he had ever worked. When he was around the age of 17 he wanted to fight for those he had been influenced by, after building up and joining the war, heard of the plot to assassinate Rhagrrhuzau Hadii, when he heard this he realized that this would not make the Zhan-Khazan popular even if the assassination was successful. After seeing many of his friends die in the revolution he decided to go A.W.O.L to see his family before anything went very wrong. By this time he was 22 years old. When he returned to his family, he saw that his home had been destroyed and his family were gone, after believing that they were dead for almost two years he began to wander, looking for any job he could pick up, and any money he could obtain. Halfway through the second year of this almost nomadic life he discovered a file ,he found while scavenging near a NT shuttle launch site, containing a long list of Tajara who were transferred to mars after NanoTrasen were re-injected into the Tajara way of life. He thinking that him getting to mars was hopeless, thought that his family most likely thought he was dead anyway. And he wanted to spare them the pain of seeing him again, knowing their address, he could occasionally send anonymous money to his family, to keep them stable and out of trouble.

He began to come to terms with the fact that he would never see his family again, not in the same way anyway, thought he still wanted a life and not to let the darkness of his past spoil the hope of the future. Fed up with the planet of Adhomai he looked for something he could at least help someone not make the same mistakes he did not want any person to be hurt by any means. He wanted to be someone that anyone in the vast universe could look up to, and care about. He wanted to be the role model security officer that people could trust and understand. He bounced around from different stations and slowly went through the cadet ships and allowed himself to become cadet on the NSS Aurora.

What do you like about this character?

How would you rate your role-playing ability? I would give my self a 7.8/10 because I can sometimes mix up some factors of other species and sometimes my own.

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Notes: Backstory edited for more in depth and interesting plot.

 

 

So, there's a few problems in this application. It's incredibly hard to tell in which years different events are happening, but I've been able to piece together a few issues with context clues.

You seem to be under the impersonation that the Adhomai Liberation Army existed prior to the assassination of Rhagrrhazu Hadii, that the current war was going on prior to this assassination, and that the Adhomai Liberation Army was behind the assassination of Rhagrrhazu (also known as Al-Mari). The Adhomai Liberation Army is a reactionary force created by a failed coup attempt against Rhagrrhazu's vice president who took office after the assassination, his brother Njadrasanukii Hadii. Rhagrrhazu Hadii is a martyr against human imperialism in the eyes of the Adhomai Liberation Army who started out trying to return his economic policies which were undone by Njadrasanukii before formulating their own plans for a new government all together. The idea that your character knew about the assassination before it happened also has some dramatic implications. The official story for the assassination of Al-Mari was that the Zhan-Khazan who did it (who was in the secret servce) did so because of the violent tendencies of Zhan-Khazan genetics. The ALA however, claims that he was put to it by humans who wanted to return the old policies which allowed them to exploit the planet better. At any rate, to have known about it before it happened would imply that your Tajara was in on one of the most controversial conspiracy theories for Tajara. An analogy being that it's similar to having been a friend to lee Harvey Oswald and knowing his true motivations.

Lore-issues aside, it ultimately does come down to a relatively regurgitated war survivor story, which isn't strictly bad. After all, my main Tajara character falls under that too. But when in combination with these lore misunderstandings, I'm afraid I can't accept this application. Still, you at least have some lore events learned, even if the circumstances surrounding and the timing of them is not yet so. I would call this an improvement over your last attempt. With a bit more effort, I think you can clear the conditions to get the whitelist.