[Accepted]MelodicVoids Fluffball Application (Tajara) ((Re-Re-Written Backstory))

[MelodicVoid]

BYOND Key: Melodic Void
Character Names: Hope Of A Fallen Sapphire, Bill Mull, Emeal Rikito, Mae Aiiko, Riluxin Xrimqu-Tup, Zuri Madeler. - I have many more but have not played them recently
Species you are applying to play: Tajara
What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Silver
Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes
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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question.

 

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

First off Tajara are so fluffy I just want to hug one like a teddy bear!. But seriously I have been debating on what to get for my next whitelist and personally I find Tajara’s racial issues and recent conflicts to be quite interesting. I believe it will open new avenues of interesting roleplay.

 

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

They are more resistant to cold but susceptible to heat due to their fur. Tajara and humans are similar in anatomy but have major differences. The Tajara are faster and more agile, but they have claws and sharp teeth. The claws make use of computers and other items more challenging. Tajara also speak in third person which is unique to them and some tend to roll their r’s

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Character Name: Qistina R'iki Latifa

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs.

Qistina R’iki Latifa was born from a M’sai Mother and father in 2440. Born in The Peoples Republic of Adhomai. she grew up on what would be called a border town. Her father was in the medical trade running a small clinic, mostly dealing with injured from rebuilding efforts and fights from travellers. Her mother though not around too often was part of the Military, She would often be gone for weeks at a time being stationed at different bases. Her father was quite the stubborn Tajaran, refusing to travel with her mother as he didn’t want to leave this town. Growing up her main duties where to assist her father with small tasks like Comforting patients, applying bandages or passing tools over while her father worked. When her mother would come home she would teach basic defence techniques and tell stories of ancient M’sai, though it was mostly play fighting the techniques were accurate.

When her mother and father where home they would often have conversations when they thought Qistina was asleep. She would often crawl out of bed and linger close enough to catch parts of the conversation. It was mostly her mother telling her father about the fragile nature of the planet, and how she worried another war would happen. Her mother and father would never actually tell her about the war, every time she would bring it up they would change the subject.

When Qistina was 11 years old, while sitting up stairs above the clinic she heard a large object fall over bellow. Running to investigate she found her father standing over a radio with the chair behind him fallen over, His expression was one of shock and terror. Turning to notice Her he rushed her back upstairs keeping her in the dark. The following few days where strange from the rest, he father seemed quiet as did the rest of the town, Eventually Soldiers started showing up in the town with more weapons then Qistina had ever seen. However, her mother was not among them. The towns population seemed to get become less and less over time, most heading more inland. This is when everything changed from for Qistina.

Her father, one of the few citizens who remained continued to operate the clinic though now it was mostly Soldiers who were getting treatment. Qistina’s responsibilities increased as she learned how to stabilize a patient and assist during surgery. Eventually the Soldiers where no longer just passing through town but took up camp in town, setting up a Forward Operating Base. The distant sounds of Artillery and gun fire would often keep Qistina up at night. It started to seem like the gunfire was getting closer each night, her fathers’ clinic quickly became filled and tents where set up outside to house those who couldn’t fit inside, and many Military Doctors moved in and took over the clinic. Her father being stubborn stayed to help the doctors, which they permitted. One night the gunfire grew so loud that it was no longer distant. It sounded as though it was right at the edge of town, Yelling could be heard coming from downstairs.

Running to investigate she found her father arguing with what seemed to be a officer about how moving Patients. The officer stated that they don’t have time to bring everyone, nor the means to treat them. The officer then took the ones with minor injuries and loaded up in a vehicle, driving away from the gunfire. Her father sitting down for a second turned to Qistina and told her she had to run. She refused as her father didn’t want to leave the patients and she wouldn’t leave him alone. Her father did what he could to move the patients inside the building and into the basement. Despite Qistina’s help in this task wounds would reopen; her silver fur quickly became covered in blood and dirt while they worked quickly. The gunfire slowed down significantly eventually coming to a stop, with only periodic shots being heard. While her father was busy treating wounds of Patients she ran upstairs to the second floor, grabbing what she could for food and shoving it into a bag. Suddenly a loud bang was heard followed by a falling object, someone had kicked in the door. Not knowing what to do she ran to her room and hid under her bed. She heard some yelling, almost like a fight had broken out down bellow and then gunshots with a delay between them. But almost Rhythmically. One. Shot. After. Another. She would flinch at each shot, the sound almost ringing in her ears.

The shots eventually stopped, and she heard footsteps heading upstairs, slowly. Rummaging through the kitchen and checking nearby rooms, eventually getting to hers. The door slowly crept open as a single set of legs entered, she didn’t recognize the uniform, but she could make a educated guess. The legs moved towards the closet opening it up and then a voice was heard. “Done up there yet? We gotta go”. With a short delay the response “He is” was said from her room. The legs turned to leave. A gun dropping beside them, as they obviously lowered their guard. Seeing the gun, she had to cover her mouth not to yelp. The legs eventually left and everywhere fell silent.  She thought it best to wait for a bit, until a smell of fire filled her nose. She dragged herself out of her bed and went downstairs to find the main flow of the building had a fire in early stages, the temperature was uncomfortable. She knew she had to leave, but she had to get her father out. Running downstairs her heart stopped at the bottom and a feeling of horror came over her face. Every Patient was dead, executed with a bullet to their head. She looked around scanning the room until her eyes fell on her father. She ran over to him, unlike the others his arm was bent in a position its not suppose to be able to bend, and instead of a bullet to the head there was a knife in his jugular. He was lying in a pile of blood. She fell to her knees, shaking him even though she knew it he wouldn’t wake up. Her eyes filled with tears as she began to panic and scream “No no no. he can’t be dead”. The smell of smoke filled the room as the floor boards above her where on fire. A combination of the heat and small snapped her back to reality. She sloppily stood up and moved to the upper floor, leaving her father behind. The upper floor had little moving room, and the heat was hell, but she made her way towards the door and out. Parts of her body still felt like there were burning but she pressed on, making her way out of the town and inland. She does not know how she made it out without being spotted, she supposes it was because they were to busy razing the town, looking behind her, it was like a giant bonfire. She continued to walk for what seemed like days but was actually hours. In disbelief of what happened. She eventually passed out in the dirt, only to be plagued by nightmares of finding her father. Waking up screaming and panicking she eventually calmed down and continued her walk, exhausted. She found her way to a large military like camp, but it wasn’t any military she had seen before. Hungry and in pain she entered the camp and we greeted by a hairless one running in her direction. She blacked out.

Waking up again, on a roller bed she looked around finding parts of herself covered in a ointment. The hairless one greeted her as she woke and explained that she had severe burns on her body and she shouldn’t move for a few days. She learned the name of the Human was Gertrude and she was a IAC Volunteer. The next few days where hell as Qistina was unable to sleep, and if she was it was only for a hour or two. She was terrified of her dreams as visions of her father haunted her. Eventually being well enough to move around she helped with minor tasks around the camp. She became attached to Gertrude and Gertrude to her. Gertrude was no therapist, but she believed Qistina to have PTSD, and when it was time for Gertrude to head home she offered to take Qistina with her, Gertrude believing it would be best for her PTSD if she left the place. Qistina accepted the offer, she was afraid of what was out there but anywhere was better then this place.

Boarding the shuttle and leaving the planet Qistina eventually found herself on IAC Transfer and training station in Tau Ceti, Gertrude left her there returning home but staying in touch by letter. Temporary housing for refugees was available on station. With help of IAC’s office’s and trying to figure out where to do she took up a class as for a EMT certification. Eventually receiving notice that she could no longer stay on the station she, with the help of IAC applied for a work permit for Tau Ceti. The process was long and painful but with the help of IAC she received her work permit only days before being evicted. About to be homeless she told Gertrude of her situation and was offered a place to stay at her home in Tau Ceti.  Moving in with Gertrude laid a path before Qistina, Gertrude was a Surgeon aboard the NSS Upsilon, putting a word in for Qistina and Qistina sending in a application for a EMT medical position NanoTrasen gave a conditional offer to Qistina. First condition was that she would have to do a cram certification course at the NSS Canis Minor as they didn’t believe IAC’s free training covered enough. She would have to work for NanoTrasen a minimum of 3 years as they would be paying for the cram course. Final condition was that she would have to eb approved by and get regular treatment from a psychiatrist, agreeing to the terms she started her education and therapy. The course was extremely fast and sometimes challenging to keep up with but Qistina managed to pass and her therapist helped her greatly with her PTSD, she was approved for duty and assigned to work as a EMT on the NSS Aurora. Locked in for 3 years she is ready to start her new job, away from the horrors of war.

If you were to shave her fur you could see burn scaring on her feet and her arms.

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What do you like about this character? :

This specific character is a offset from most M'Sai on the aurora as most are officers, Due to her past she choose a non traditional path for a M'Sai. her past will haunt her, but her PTSD is mostly controllable using techniques the therapist advised. She should prove to be a good character to start getting the feel for RPing a Tajara as it will take time to adapt to it. She should prove to have a little bit of interesting spice to her so shes not a generic bland character and I believe she will prove generally fun for crew to interact with  
 

How would you rate your role-playing ability?

7-8/10 there is always room for improvement 

Notes: 
First off Thank you for reading my application.

The back story is quite long and I apologize for that. I left some details out to shorten it,.

Please leave all feedback, preferably negative. This will help me improve as a player and improve my application. Thank you. I am expecting me to have gotten something wrong about my character.. so help me build her better!

- void

Edited February 8, 2019 by Mofo1995
App accepted!

[Guest Menown]

South Korean born soldier-combat trained Njarir royalty princess kitty.

Not exactly sure how to critique this without drawing a forum warning on myself.

Edit: Definitely better. Also, if the mother was M'sai, she'd share the color of the mother, given M'sai genes are dominant when determining fur colors.

Edited January 28, 2019 by Menown
OP updated their post.

[MelodicVoid]

I honestly regret posting this, its not even permitted by the Application policy. I will be re-writing the entire second portion of this application, it was a horrible character idea. 

Edited January 27, 2019 by MelodicVoid

[MelodicVoid]

Ah, M'Sai are more dominant. I will edit the backstory to be more accurate. I am busy today with travel and education but will do so when I am able 

[DeadLantern]

I understand that you are rewriting the backstory, but some things to consider:

Expand on "what makes this species different to RP than humans". You don't even mention the language difference "she, he, they) and the racial and political differences. The fast fluff stuff doesn't help your case either.

Into some backstory things, race mixing in tajara culture is seen as taboo. While there is some leniance in the DPRA, a Njarari with anyone but a Njarari is very strange and bad, and would be looked down upon by virtually everyone. You do reflect this in your story, but it would be much more extreme then what you say. I don't even think they could start a business or a hospital without it being burned down.

And, this application is very safe and doesn't really do much different. Take a look at the other apps for Tajara. You fall into a cliche with

The military involvement 

Experienced bad things due to race related issues

Somehow lived through the war without gaining injury nor trauma

Escaping the military with no consequences and not being discharged

Little to no special things happening outside of Adhomai

Easily gaining access to a first world planet and going to a revered and expensive college without proof of prior education 

And etc etc. I am happy that you are undergoing the rework, keep these things in mind.

 

 

[MelodicVoid]

I appreciate everyone's reply, I have a re-written application in the works. For now I believe it would be best to retract this post. 

 

I will reapply at a later date once I have a fully competent application and more time to dedicate

[MelodicVoid]

Okay.. I hope this is a little better, though I honestly was expecting this to be taken down by now. 

I tried to emphasis the impact of the war on her, as she wasn't alive for the first one.. and a emphasis on how she got her work permit and education and how shes contracted to NT for funding her.

[Mofo1995]

Sorry about my inattentiveness to this! I got kind of caught up with other things and the recent promotion to head CCIA. I don't think I'm going to be able to get into this tonight but tomorrow when I get out of work I will be giving my feedback.

[MelodicVoid]

I appreciate it! thank you. and congrats! 

[DeadLantern]

It's a lot better. Still, a few problems are present.

The words don't really flow with the story, and there are multiple grammar mistakes. This does not impede comprehension, but it's a bit outstanding when you are reading it.

With the story itself, it's much longer, and clearly had at least some thought put into it. However, from my understanding, it doesn't make sense in some parts. So, I believe that the mother ran away. Why would she not take the daughter with her too? Wouldn't she at least say goodbye, there are no signs of unloving to at least, the daughter. And wouldn't those ALA soldiers be speaking Siik'tajr? The story is overwhelmed with a lot of details that don't add much to the story or the character. Most of the details are about specific situations, not the character or her thoughts.

I personally think that the character is still a bit generic. We've seen children of the war over and over again. I think that the character's father is actually well developed, even when the focus is not him, and believe he would be a better suit for the Aurora. He has proven medical experience, unlike this character, probably a degree or some form of medical education, and we don't see many Tajara of his age on the station.

If you do choose the daughter. She's probably going to be unalligned in her politics, which is another cliche but not something too serious. She'd probably have a very limited understanding of Tau Basic, so make sure to put that in. She wouldn't know much about Adhomai.

The story is definitely better.

 

[Mofo1995]

I have absolutely no idea what your original application was like, but this one has a lot of good things going for it. First and foremost is that your character was certainly affected by the war but was not a combatant. This is a very novel and welcome take. I also strongly appreciated the incorporation of the criminally under used IAC, which most players seem to forget about or at least on our lore nerd end, never seem to bring up. It was a strong addition which shows a better wide ranging knowledge of lore beyond just Tajara. The scene in the basement of the hospital reminded me of something from another game that I thought was really cool. Namely this: https://youtu.be/H7o6sEKWaQE?t=1221 from MGSV. 

While it was told from the point of a little girl, I couldn't help but be somewhat confused about one detail. Namely if the town was taken by the ALA and the PRA came and cleared it out, or if the PRA was holding onto the town and was eventually taken by the ALA. Or is this a curveball and she was in the NKA the whole time? I would guess the town was PRA held and taken over by the ALA in the fateful raising of her home, but it's hard for me to guess with all the animosity and war crimes casually exchanged between the PRA and ALA. Did Qistina ever reunite with her mother or find out what happened to her? Surely it wouldn't be far fetched to send a letter somewhere asking about someone with a name and their hometown to see what happened. 

Once these points are addressed I'll be happy to make my decision.

 

[MelodicVoid]

The idea I was going for was the were in the people republic the entire time, but very close to the border. When fighting broke out the republic set up a FOB of sorts using the town, eventually losing it and so the republic couldn't re-use the town they razed it. 

As for that scene well I was going on the premise of they ones who were treated were all very hurt military personnel, which is why they were executed, why leave a room full of people who can get up and kill you Ina. Few months time. The father was collateral and the town itself was mostly evacuated. 

I was going to include the mother more, she was deployed far away from her home town. Letters were sent back and forth until the loss of the city, then Qistina fell silent. In the iac camp she was very out of it, having witnessed what she did. And didn't really communicate with her mother who would probably think her dead hearing about the town. However Qistina would have started sending letters on the IAC refugee station. The letters would take a fair amount of time. 

I can edit that in if the explanation isn't enough  

[AmoryBlaine]

Don't know the lore but I'm quite sure Melo is one of the best RP'rs we have currently. So, +1

[Mofo1995]

I think I have enough here. I'm pleased to give you a tajara whitelist, thanks again for your patience!