[Denied]calion12's skrell app (2nd attempt feedback would be greatly appreciated)

[calion12]

BYOND Key: Calion12

Character Names: Cheryl Schafer, Cat Schafer, Aquillae Myre and my personal favorites Alexandria Blanc and Searen White.

Species you are applying to play: Skrell.

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Turquoise / Light cyan.

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes except i gether there are a few things that arent covered fully or at all in the wiki page so i may not completely know absolutely everything.

 

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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race: Aquatic races and life in general have fascinated me for some time (Salarian from Mass effect series, Slaad from the D&D tabletops, Leviathan etc.). The sad thing is, you never really get to play as them and even if you do, you dont get to flesh them out and share the experience with other players so I wanted to get the chance to play as my own fleshed out aquatic alien, experience their culture through more than a codex entry or information panel. Skrell are the most developed amphibious race i know of both lore-wise and technologically. science is a fascinating topic because there is so much we have yet to learn so when you combine aquatic races and tech? Skrell, this is the reason i want to play them. Plus the head tail thing is pretty cool.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human: The fact that they speak in concise, to the point English and have a natural passion for sciences. Humans can be varied much like any race but a Skrell thinks logically and tactically, not wasting their time on trivialities like drinking alcohol (mostly because they cant seeing as its poisonous to them) and focus on whats important. Plus their more than exceptional lifespan coupled with the fact that they can potentially double what it originally was due to their scientific breakthroughs means that they would still be considered children while at the same age as an elderly human (this seems to have drawn inspiration from the Asari, another one of my favourite sci-fi races so that is another personal interest). Then there is the obvious dietary limitations due to their rather prominent lack of teeth and ability to move, talk and breathe underwater perfectly is rather nifty and interesting (even if it wont come into play considering we are on a space station, in space, where water often isn't).

 

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Character Name: Seqquix Zaan'tul

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs Born into a wealthy family in the centre of Kal'lo, seqquix was never privy to hardships, (she did however always feel lucky to be alive considering the high rate of sterile Skrell, could mention the possible inspiration from the Krogan but i wont bore you, dear reader) the closest that came to it was studying for school, getting the best grades she could and learning about the world around her. Being a Skrell meant she was pushed toward the route of science and exploring the world around them, figuring out what it means Fortunately she enjoyed sciences of any kind although if she was honest with herself which she was always trying to be, she had a soft spot for biology in particular, she enjoyed working with and around alien species as she was naturally curious about how they worked and interacting with them. Her father died when she was around 18 years of age, a mishap with a slime is what she was told by her mother, probably in an effort to get her to move her interests into a safer study of science. Begrudgingly she moved on to robotics but still worked on xenobiology whenever she had free time.

In her adult life she spent most of her time as a recluse, causing her social skills to falter as a result, she had gotten exemplary results in her school life and extended education in xenobiology and robotics. she worked on a temporary research outpost on the outskirts of Aliose when it was shut down she spent some time roaming around, picking up odd jobs for clientele which ranged from human mega corps to the Jargon navy itself and as such is rather well versed in the culture of most species and Tau ceti basic. Has a light knowledge of ship systems and outfitting but was never on any of the combat ships for any extended amount of time. After several lucrative years of being a roaming scientist clients started to move on or get other suppliers which is when Nano-transen stepped in and offered 127 year old Seqquix a job on a little known station going by the name of NSS Exodus and the rest is as they say history.

What do you like about this character? Personally I like the fact that Seqquix is introverted as i think it will play out well in rounds trying to get her out of her shell (which I am aware is probably overused but thats just because it woks so well) while at the same time not being able to use the simple fix; alcohol.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?

I have been playing for a while now and i think i have a firm grasp on it, there is always room for improvement but I believe I can role-play my characters personality traits rather well after I have some time to settle into the drivers seat.

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Notes: When my old station was active I had played and interacted with many skrell so I think I have some exposure therapy.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Guest

[w3bster]

I would suggest not relying too much on "introversion" and "alcohol" since those are two real big qualities I've seen in typical snowflakes.

Yet I'm usually more severe than the average on that. Other than that,

I haven't seen an extreme lot from you ICly, but that shouldn't discourage. I rate people on the effort they shove in their application a lot. Especially species where people can truly show if they shine or not.

+1 from me. The station needs more squids.

[TheLoneWolfer]

I find 'different' species in one Shift or multiple ones very, let's say it's basically the best way to play with other players playing as diff species, i find it aswell interesting and fascinating how you put so much time into this, for me ((Still a sort of newcomer)) i like the idea.

*Newcomer Approval!*

[Loow]

Hello there.

First of all, you need to fix the capitalization on this application. Typically, the first letter of a sentence or a name are capitalized.

If you can fix this issue, your application will look cleaner and might get more feedback.

If and when you fix this, people will probably focus more on the content of your application and be more likely to respond. Also remember that you can advertise your app once per round in OOC. I encourage anyone reading this post to please respond to Calion's application.

I will do my best to continue to respond to this topic and any changes you make. This application will stay open for a few more days before a judgement is made.

Please PM me if you have any questions.

[Limodish]

Great application, a lot of backround info and typing, +1 from me

[Dragonspare]

good character and the effort on the backstory is notable, it has an actual reason to be introverted, +1 from me

[Loow]

Hey there. We've not gotten very much feedback in this thread, and it's a little bit saddening. There are clearly people who like your work enough to post a +1, but it would have really helped a lot if they posted more substance than a sentence.

I'll go ahead and try being a little more critical with this application, because there has not been very much dialogue back and forth. I don't you to have a denial that doesn't tell you anything useful.

Here are a few notes that could help future applications.

- Biography: Oftentimes, a more extensive or more personal backstory will leave a good impression on readers. The biography tells us everything you want us to know about the character and gives us an idea of how much care you put into your character design. If nothing else, reading more about a character might get people interested and lead them to ask questions about the character. Sometimes this results in a conversation that tells us just as much or more about a character than the original post. It doesn't have to be a long, drawn out story or an in depth analysis, but it certainly would catch attention if it was.

-Conversation: When someone responds to an application, I don't consider it to have been worth the poster's time if they don't include some sort of feedback/commentary that you can use or give the reader an idea of your RP/past interactions. The first two posts were a step in the right direction, but nothing came afterward to offer any insight.

The hope with responses is that they will give insight as to your playstyle or RP, give feedback about your character or past characters, and hopefully make commentary about the application as a whole.

Ideally, this sort of posting would lead the applicant to respond in some way, giving readers an even better idea of the player's interest.

There is always a lot to talk about in an application and in a biography. Among the subjects that could have been good conversation topics:

Being a Skrell meant she was pushed toward the route of science and exploring the world around them

Remember that being a Skrell doesn't necessarily mean you have to be a scientist. It's a popular role, of course, but it isn't the only thing she can do.

 

Her father died when she was around 18 years of age, a mishap with a slime is what she was told by her mother, probably in an effort to get her to move her interests into a safer study of science

The way this excerpt reads, it sounds like her mother lied about her father's death in order to manipulate her. This may or may not be the case, but it almost doesn't seem to matter because the next sentence reveals that this didn't really convince her to stay away from Xenobiology.

How old is Seqquix anyway? Her age doesn't come up again after that line about her dad dying.

 

Consider your character's life. Think of details or details about Seqquix that you want to share. Don't be afraid to ask questions in applications and post responses to comments.

I can't say with certainty that it will encourage more thought provoking feedback, but I can say that people are more likely to look at an application if it has an ongoing conversation between the applicant and others.

Why is that? Easy. An application gets moved to the top of the page when someone posts on it.

In the spirit of posting to raise interest, I am going to leave this open for just a little while longer. This app really has been up for too long, but I don't want to close it before giving you the opportunity to possibly salvage it.

Keep in mind, this application may be dangling close to a denial because of the lack of feedback, but I hope this advice helps you. Even if it doesn't help with this application.

Please feel free to respond in this topic. There is still time for more dialogue about this application. If anyone has any questions for Calion about the app or its character, they are free to ask away.

[calion12]

Thanks one and all for the feedback whether you wrote a lot or a little it all helps seeing as this is most likely going to be denied I'll try puttimg all your ideas into practice in 'the chronicles of me bashing my head against a rock in hopes that it bteaks name subject to change' part 3! Just kidding but seriously thanks for all the replies hope i can return the favor one day.

[Faris]

So, let's start with the more OOC questions. I've actually read this application a few times but never got to replying, but better late than never right? So the answers themselves seem to be well done and well thought of, no issue on that end. The IC answers are more or less the same thing, they seem well thought out and well written, but I will comment that I may find the introverted alcoholic nature of the character to be a personal issue to me, but as I said, an issue I have but not something bad, so you're also golden on the IC aspects of this.

You get a +1 from me, and hopefully you join the legion of frogmen.

[calion12]

Thank you ;_; hope to be joining the frog men soon and if not I might re-word / revise Seqqix's backstory so if you could tell me of any other issues it has that would be grand. Thanks again

[calion12]

And now... The end is near... the blah blah blah I forget the rest of the lyrics but you get the idea; this app is about to end and so in a final attempt to gain a few more replies and try not to be denied I implore you to please reply with any ways I could improve this or anything else, cheers.

[Mofo1995]

Hello! I came by to give some feedback, because I love warblers, and giving feedback on skrell apps is important to me.

I know of the Schafer characters, and of Alexandria Blanc, but on checking your character list, Alexandria Blanc doesn't show up. Did you accidentally overwrite the slot?

The Schafers seem really juvenille and young, but you went on to demonstrate range and variety in your roleplay abilities by introducing Alexandria Blanc who was a more mature and interesting detective with a French accent, and your current Searen White has been noticed for the grizzled old man detective he is. Essentially, I am attesting to your ability to play different characters with different thoughts, personalities, and backgrounds.

Now that we've talked about what I've seen from you so far, I would like to move onto talking about your application, namely, the story of Seqquix. First and foremost, I would like to know how and when Seqquix began practicing and doing robotics work. The thing is, robotics isn't very kosher in the Nralakk Federation due to their historical grievances with technological singularities. By saying she begrudgingly moved onto robotics from xenobiology is kind of like saying she moved onto a hardcore federal crime from a legitimate profession depending on where she was doing it. Skrell roboticists aren't automatically and intrinsically forbidden, but you have to be very careful and mindful of Skrellian history with artificial intelligence and robots when creating a character who does this. I really highly recommend specifying that maybe she learned it in human space while doing her tour of various works around the galaxy, or that she did mechatronic engineering instead.

Now, I'd like to move onto elements of this app which I view favorably. I like that Seqquix is well-traveled and versed in the cultures of other species, but in order to roleplay this properly, you need to make sure you can put your money where your mouth is when you're in character. Like I said, I like this and I think it will be interesting to see, just make sure you can back it up! I think it's interesting that you've created a character who is a very profession-oriented and career driven mind. I've seen a lot of skrell who pull these traits off, but in combination with the reclusive nature, it leads me to feel as though your character would be even more so focused on their job. Is that what you were going for?

Lastly, I have another word of advice: All though you've given us her story and history, with a smidgen of personality, I feel as though this application could benefit from some better fleshing out of the personality. Namely, I'd recommend giving us some hobbies. Seqquix seems really interested, or if not interested, well-versed through travels in other cultures. This gives you some room to play around, maybe she likes to study Unathi theology, or Dionaea slam-poetry. Give us some more in the way of quirks, the career history-centric story so far makes it feel like her career is her life.

All in all, I think that you can roleplay well, and I think you've proven it to me. But, one of my biggest concerns is that the inconsideration in the portion about robotics makes me feel like maybe your knowledge of Skrell lore isn't as deep as it could be. I absolutely don't think every single application should be focused around Glorsh and his impact on Skrellian society, and I found it refreshing that this application didn't center around it, but when dealing with robotics it simply has to come up in some way shape or form given the delicacy and taboo of the subject in Skrellian culture.

I hope you'll consider my advice, and wish you the best of luck!

[calion12]

thanks for the advice, to answer your questions (which you may or may not end up reading); yes, I accidentally overwrote the slot yesterday (will have to re-create he from scratch so that will take a while), and yes, since the disbandment of her original posting and death of her father she seemed to have nothing left and so focused on her job above all else. Thanks for the improvements I will try to implement them in-game if it gets approved and in the next app if not.

[Tequilajoe]

I havent encountered the other characters but Searen White has always been a very good character in my opinion. Quality RP overall, clearly makes an effort. I imagine you'd have no trouble being a good skrell. +1

[Muncorn]

So, I'm going to do a full review of this. I know full well many of my points have already been pointed out, but I shall do it again.

Firstly, you've grasped what I'd like to call the Human opinion on Skrell culture, that being they are a race of pure science, all of their workers being researchers, or doctors, or some other high skill level field. Whilst this is not entirely wrong, it is highly misleading. Skrell are enormous enjoyers of the arts, plays, movies, even the news. They have a special form of news; of which I have forgotten the name; which is designed as a sort of comedy, trying to portray information in the best way possible, both through efficiency and efficacy. They are proliferous writers as well, and they're not ones to shun 'common' jobs, like cooking, gardening and cleaning. The main difference is their viewpoint on it. A Human Janitor might go; "Oh, gotta go clean up some stuff, as always, fucking hell this is a shit job"; whereas a Skrell would take more pride in what they do, trying to do their job well and with as much enjoyment as possible. Whilst most Skrell are scientists, doctors, historians or lawyers, or anything of the kind, it is definitely not frowned upon to be in some other job.

A minor thing, not worth fixing, is:

Plus their more than exceptional lifespan coupled with the fact that they can potentially double what it originally was due to their scientific breakthroughs means that they would still be considered children while at the same age as an elderly human

. They're not, really. A twenty year old Skrell and a two hundred year old Skrell are considered adults by each other, and by everyone else. The only difference is how large the gap can become between adults.

Now, for your character.

-Yet again, you delve into the first point I mentioned, with the character Seqquix being pushed into science. Whilst I'm not going to have you change this, not by any means, it feels forced and you say it as if it's a moot point, as if it's obvious a Skrell would be a scientist.

-Her father died to a slime. Is that all? No more information? You make it seem as if that wasn't his actual cause of death, and her mother made it up to make her not do slime-being research. It feels forced, or rushed, there's no reason to it, and it simply makes very little sense. Some clarification would be much appreciated on this point.

-Now, Robotics... You clearly know of Glorsh, since you mentioned the effects of the Genophage, but you have to remember that it was not something that happened a long time ago, it is comparatively recent. It is fresh in the minds of many Skrell, and robotics is still a highly frowned upon sector. The most that would likely happen would be the production of mechatronics and very, very simple AI's, such as what we see in factories for repetitive, boring work. If that was the case, some pointers as to the specific trade would be useful.

-A recluse? Whilst not something bad, why? Why did she decide to be lonely, without friends. Skrell are; by nature; a sociable species, they have expertly evolved ways of communication that allows an enormous range of emotions, and their culture tends to take full advantage of it. You show no reasoning for why she chose this path, at all.

-So, why did she leave Jargon? It's far easier for a Skrell to find work in Skrellian space. It's cheaper, it's closer to home, it takes far less time. Tau Ceti is nice and all, but for an accomplished Skrell seeking to work in a fairly normal field, why would they go there rather than stay home? Try to have some explanations for this.

-NanoTrasen is a renowned company for getting what they want, and nothing more, so why would they personally seek out Seqquix and hire her? What benefit does she provide that is worth going out of their way to hire her over somebody else? It's far more likely she would have to apply herself, and if so, why would she?

-Also, the NSS Exodus is pretty well know. It's the top tier phoron research station in Tau Ceti.

On the subject of the app itself, it's a little shaky at best. There's a distinct lack of grammar and punctuation in a fair few parts, and overall it all seems a little bit rushed. You also appear to have an innate knowledge of similar'ish species from different franchises and series', but make sure you don't take too much inspiration or ideas from them, Skrell are complex enough on their own without having to muddle things up.

Now, I've RP'd with you several times, and you're a good enough roleplayer that I think you'd do well with this, but I'm unsure as to your experience with this kind of roleplay. it's a very different style of roleplay for Skrell, all your text has to be properly thought out, and the thinking style is, well, alien in nature, it's not something we're used to. Synthetics are fairly similar in nature, ironically enough, but you list none as your characters, so I assume you play them little. My main advice is to properly think out how your character specifically will talk. Are they pure Skrellian with the concise structure to their speech, or have they gotten some more human influences and are a little more fluid with their word flow?

Overall, I'd like to see this revised before I could consider a +1 for it.

[calion12]

Thanks for taking the time to type all that out, must've taken ages to do but it was not in vein comrade! I will make sure to re-read not only the application itself but also the wiki page in full, probably make a check-list of everything everyone mentioned then go through the app (with the wiki page and checklist beside me) and check everything off, and re-word things that made sense in my head at the time into something plainly readable. Cheers again.

[Loow]

I want to read this new application Calion has been talking about writing. There hasn't been an update to this thread or its bio for some time.

I believe we all want to see the new and improved version that sounds like it's been in the works for a month or so.

There's been more than enough time to update the story in this thread further with the changes the applicant would like to make, but it hasn't happened yet. This application has been up long enough.

Application Denied.