[Denied] Unathi Whitelist 2.0

[Ethan Malakay]

BYOND Key AcidMind

Character Names Cargo Shitbag(Ethan Malakay) Security Officer(Mark Ravage) Nursing Intern (Deragon Kalamithy)

Species you are applying to play Unathi

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt) Red

Have you read our lore section's page on this species? Yes, i did

Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race The actions of this specific species is interesting for me.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human Firstly their actions, as rattling, or bumping their tail on the ground when they are angry, scratching their neck when they show extreme trust, or the fact that they have got scales and different properties than humans

Character Name Nadara K'res

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs Born in Moghes, in the village of Kutah, K'hra Hor was the younger of three brothers, with his two older brothers dead because of another clan's attack, he had to attent to fighting lessons leaded by his father in the mountains, with the cold and the small amount of food that there was, surviving was difficult, in the day that he made 19 years, his father sent him to Skalamar, where he could study for a better future, after entering in the Skalamar University Of Medicine, Nanotrasen offered him financial aid with his studies, at that moment he only thought about accepting it, so he did, after getting high grades, he doctorated as medical doctor with 29 years.

In the next day, he gone to his home village, they recieved him with enthusiasm and laughs, in the night of that day, a party was celebrated within the fires and the tribal drums in the wild, as his father told him that this would be the last day in the village the celebration was huge with his whole family, nearby mercenaries heard about it and decided to loot and kill all unathi, father told him to hide until it all ended, there were only two survivors, he and his little sister, who was abused and given mercy, he decided to take care of her as he was the only family she had now, and took her onboard Aurora, to have residence, and work with her as his assistant.

What do you like about this character? That i made it.

How would you rate your role-playing ability? From Zero to ten, i would rate it 7.6

Notes

Edited April 19, 2017 by Guest

[Scheveningen]

What do you like about this character? Wew lad, do you see the history i made for it? Weeeew laaaad, wonder how would it be roleplaying this chacarter

 

Is this a serious application? You didn't even answer the question, you just gave an unserious answer for that question.

The backstory is rather lackluster and what detail it has is a bit reminiscent of a hard cliche in particular of Death By Origin Story. It doesn't really go over what hardship the character went through without making certain details about them seem forced and unnatural, there's also an unfortunate lack of depth taking into consideration as to whether the character is remotely up to standard to not just the lore but also a bare minimum of interest that makes people interested in the development of your character.

[Muncorn]

Schev covers some good points here, and I'll expand on them here. But overall, this looks like an app you made in 5 minutes after reading the wiki page once, so I'm not overly impressed.

1: Fix your grammar and spelling. Reading through this is a tedium, as I'm forced to decipher your intended meaning every second sentence whilst reading through your backstory.

2: Expand on your answers. It tells you to write one paragraph minimum per section, and you hardly reached the maximum for any of it. Look through other people's applications to see what they write on those questions if you're not sure on it.

3: The only thing that interests you are their actions? On top of that being a lackluster answer on the face of it, it's overly broad in its scope. What actions, lore actions like the clans and political situations; the character actions like higher levels of aggression; or even the gameplay actions such as the sprinting mechanics and so on. Extrapolate on this when you go through point 2.

4: Your backstory is lackluster. It's short and lacks the detail which is the main point of an application in finding how well you know the lore of the species. I see nothing here that shows me you've studied the lore more than a quick glance and deciding you'd go with the default. You need more detail, and you need to show knowledge of the species far, far better than you have here.

5: Your backstory is boring. This was Schev's main point, which is that your Unathi is using the most aggressively unoriginal backstory you could possibly make. To make this easy, I'll list all the main problems with the backstory, and a way to possibly improve on it.

- One thing before I start, you're naming is inconsistent. You say they're called N'dira K'res, but you then refer to them as K'hra Hor in the first sentence. Fix that.

- Fighting lessons, wew this is fun. To my knowledge (and I must admit, my Unathi knowledge is lackluster) interclan battles and warring have largely stopped due to the rising modern state of the hegemony. Either way, it's boring to have this be the main point of your character since it's so common among other Unathi. Try for something a little more interesting and show that you know the lore. Maybe they grew up in the Moghues capital (whatever it's called, I dunno), since I'm yet to see a single Unathi to come from there in my time looking at apps and playing the game. Just having 'oh, he knows how to fight, and uuuuuh, family got killed' is a boring, stupid cop out for people that don't know anything interesting to do with their characters.

- Okay, so this point should be mute if you take the previous point of advice, but why would a father that's trained your character for his entire life to fight and be with his clan, then suddenly send him off to university. It makes no sense, and you seem to have failed to consider multiple factors. 1, he likely never had schooling before university, so would need some before he could begin medical training; 2, why medicine? It seems out of the blue and far apart from anything he's done before. It's exceptionally hard even for humans (and Unathi on average have a lower IQ than humans, and I expect a village raised warrior wouldn't be an exception) and thus doing something like management or finance/economics would make more sense, or even something simpler like engineering or low level research in some fashion. It's up to you if you want to keep him in medicine, but it still seems silly; 3, NanoTrasen paid? Why? How did they learn about him, did he apply, what? It makes no sense, especially when you consider NanoTrasen would (possibly) give funding for education only in return for him working for them for a decent length of time. From the looks of it here, was there intention for him to work for them? Or was he simply going to go it alone and NanoTrasen now just lost thousands on a person they'll never see again. It's ridiculous; 4, Here's the crux problem of your character. You seem to have made them and realised he'd have no inclination to leave his clan and go work, so instead of reworking the character so he'd be dedicated to work, you just killed off the clan. On top of that, the clan got killed by mercenaries? Bullshit. Mercenaries are paid thugs, they're not pirates in any sense. Even if they were pirates, you have to ask yourself 1: Why were they there, and 2: Why would they raid a bunch of Unathi, there's nothing to gain. They're likely poor, judging from your comment on the lack of food, isolated judging by the first sentence, and overall not worth jack. Think of something reasonable, I don't even know at this point.

- His sister? Okay, first off, is she played by another person? If so, who, because I'll need to talk to them about this backstory as well. If not, you're just going to pretend they work there? Sure, I guess, but make sure to consider some points. 1: Is she educated in any way, either way; 2: Why would NanoTrasen hire her, since I'm going off the presumption the clans still alive, as I'm not accepting your current version of events. And do note, they would not hire her unless it was worth it, and for the most part it wouldn't be worth hiring an uneducated unathi girl from a downtrodden clan in an isolated part of Moghues. So think about it.

- Sidenote, why didn't he fight with his clan, presuming that raid did happen. Why not fight, he's 29, no child and thus perfectly capable of joining the defense of his family and home. It's seems forced and ill thought out, as is the running trend.

6. That name is bad. You can disregard this point if you want, but that just seems like a weird, weird name. It's got 2 single letters as the start of the words, which I have never seen before in player characters or lore. Only place i've seen that is in Skrellian place names. So maybe put some consideration into that.

That's me done. I hope to god I've not just wasted my time on this. Put some effort into it, you're a iffy roleplayer with room to improve, and I'd like to see it happen.

[ariever]

Well, nothing I can really say other than my experience with your previous characters, which is poor.

I don't believe that your rp skills are a 7.6, mostly because your characters seem to do things just for the hell of it, like they have no subconscious and are just ID-controlled neanderthals. The app is riddled with grammatical, punctual, and spelling errors, not helping that 7.6 you gave yourself.

You don't really seem to be serious about this either, so how can I trust you to have a serious roleplay without just abusing the racial perks?

-1, get your act together.

[ToasterStrudel]

Ethan, I also have to say, I've experienced your other characters now, and have found similar problems that I had with Ethan. I feel Muncorn hit the nail on the head.

I would like to add, its only been 3 days since originally application was declined, and most of the things that you were asked to change wern't really changed. I believe you really should take a good week or two, and think about all the suggestions and complaints that were addressed in this thread.

[AllyBearsley]

Everyone else has made points I would make. Just having experienced your other characters, they're not fun to be around. They're not interesting. They seem to be a vessel for you to goof off in and try to ignore consequences. You have OOC and IC complaints against your chars. You just got declined and seem to take this ap even less serious than the last one.

Why don't you take some time, handle the complaints against your chars, and then come back to this with a more serious mindset?

Anyway -1 from me.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Application denied due to applicant being permanently banned from the server.