[Accepted] IAmCrystalClear's Unathi App [Updated!]

[IAmCrystalClear]

BYOND Key: IAmCrystalClear
Character Names: Alice Gough, Pheobe Rook, Detective, Cecillia Star
Species you are applying to play: Unathi
What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Black
Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes.

Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question.

Why do you wish to play this specific race: I really enjoy interacting with most Unathi players. Particularly the Guwan concept interests me, and having read through the lore page, I find my love of the caste system portrayed in their story. The new race, the Aut'akh, seems somewhat interesting as an extreme counter to the traditional, Hegemonic Unathi.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human: Unathi are a very cultural, traditional race. Similar in many respects to a medieval system, the majority of Unathi are considered lesser, by definition of name and status, than others, the more well-off demanding respect and tribute from their subjects. However, there are other sides of this story, with the Quorian Unathi having experienced a democracy and have then been subjugated and thus forming a more "socially acceptable" mentality within human space. Traditional Unathi also suffer more from cold temperatures and can deal more effectively with heat. They have a stronger base attack, capable of using claws. There are many, obvious physical cues Unathi use emotionally, where an angry human would shout, a Unathi would thrash their tail against the ground and when anxious, they would hiss or sway.

Character Name: Kiza Heshaii
Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs. 

Kiza was not more than a typical Unathi woman; raised in an Moghean village, she spent her youth learning to cook and clean, and her brief adulthood cleaning and cooking. Through her childhood, she often found herself focusing on the art of dance, basking in the eyes of the suitors of the village. At the age of fourteen, Kiza found herself obsessing over her practice, having firmly settled her gaze on a young male who she'd been raised side by side with. Her dances became swordplay, and indeed she caught the eyes of the men.

Twelve days before her eighteenth, her village was graced with a powerful visitor, their Lord toured from village to village, collecting debts and taxes from his subjects. With the lord came a second guest, and the village once more put on a dance, women of all ages attempting to win the eye of the Lord's son. Kiza, infatuated with her childhood love forced herself to work, desperate to use grace and wit to finally win his heart before she came of age. Suitors came to her father, begging for her hand, and her beloved was one of them. In the days following her eighteenth she was wed to the Lord's son, and for four long years she worked under him, cursing her father, her love, and her husband for what they'd done.

Five years passed before Kiza finally gave up. It was a simple decision. Whilst her husband slept, she cooked and she cleaned, giving the house one final touch. She cooked his favourite meal, tidied even the hardest places to reach. Then, she left. She wasn't going home: taking on a new name, she fled through the next shuttle to Tau Ceti. Spinning tales of abuse and neglect, she weaselled into society, soon after scoring a new job on the Aurora.

What do you like about this character? I massively enjoy playing the underdog in a society of belittled women. Playing a Man-eating Guwan woman would allow me to create a character so different from my normal designs and I cannot wait.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?

I like to think I'm better than most, and not ashamed to admit it. My roleplay ability ranges from a 7/10 to a 9/10.

Notes:

Let me know if there are bits to touch up on, it's 2:30am as I write this. Edit: Unboldified. Edit II: Really unbodified now. Edit III: Backstory edited.

Edited March 1, 2019 by Senpai Jackboot
I described the mechanics.

[AmoryBlaine]

Gough is a fav character of mine, and I interact with them quite often. I can't speak for lore knowledge, but Crystal's a great RP'er.

[MelodicVoid]

I personally have enjoyed interacting with crystals characters, Though I know little of the lore of this species I will +1 the player.

[VTCobaltblood]

I'm not very well-versed on Unathi lore, but I can attest to Crystal's fantastic roleplaying ability. They certainly aren't lying on their RP ability rating part. +1

[DeadLantern]

Every single one of these comments say nothing on the actual story, instead praising the person of the app. However, I do not think you need a whitelist or lore knowledge to spot the overt flaws in this story.

I doubt you have looked at other whitelists of the Unathi, for a few reasons, one consisting that this is very generic in terms of the whitelist and not very groundbreaking. The other reason that I'll talk about here is that the other whitelists are often much... Longer. More detailed.

I will cast away the relatively cliche character simply because I do not know enough. In a heavily patriarchal society, the bride of a RICH and NOBLE person would very well off if compared to the lower wives of men. And she got fed up, and she stabbed him? If she hated this society, the fact that she would be forced to do the work of a female and do what is expected of her, why would she work so hard to get it? If she knew she would not like being wed, why would she work so hard finding the love of the males? Was she willfully ignorant of the duties she'd have to do in order to be wed?

You see, in your "why you like your character" section, you seem to only want the whitelist to be an "underdog". To go against the norm, to be different. This is a motif that you can notice among normal characters and whitelist. The ability to stand and cry "I am considered inferior, I want to rise up!" is a right sought after by many. It's the reason why we see many many independent females on station, many many Guwan on station, and many other dregs of society. But if you lust after the whitelist only to fulfill this purpose, it is misguided and broken.

You should flesh out the character more. Give her more of a personality, because right now, I see nothing. Find another reason other than wanting to play someone who is oppressed to play this character. And actually give her a reason for killing her husband, because that part does not make sense. Wouldn't she just leave if she was fed up? Sneak away? 

I do not think this can be passed in its current state.

Edited February 10, 2019 by DeadLantern

[IAmCrystalClear]

@DeadLantern She worked hard for a certain man. She wanted a certain man's love. Another man came in and claimed her, and her father sold out to the wealthier side in hope of more money and power, apologies if that isn't clear enough but if multiple people express that as a concern I can rewrite the story.

If you think I'm playing this for the "underdog" card, you're mistaken, and because of such a statement I don't think you've interacted with my characters enough to know I'm most known to play normal people; is it wrong of me to want to do a new character? Fleshing out a character comes with roleplay, I have a backstory and a temperament set out, their story will continue from there, as all my characters have done.

Thanks for an in depth review though, I appreciate something more than "Good RP +1".

[DeadLantern]

14 minutes ago, IAmCrystalClear said:

@DeadLantern She worked hard for a certain man. She wanted a certain man's love. Another man came in and claimed her, and her father sold out to the wealthier side in hope of more money and power, apologies if that isn't clear enough but if multiple people express that as a concern I can rewrite the story.

If you think I'm playing this for the "underdog" card, you're mistaken, and because of such a statement I don't think you've interacted with my characters enough to know I'm most known to play normal people; is it wrong of me to want to do a new character? Fleshing out a character comes with roleplay, I have a backstory and a temperament set out, their story will continue from there, as all my characters have done.

Thanks for an in depth review though, I appreciate something more than "Good RP +1".

I was mistaken. There is now more motivation, but I do still dislike the violence. It would be much more likely if she escaped and not killing her husband. Also, the title of Guwan carries a heavy load. An equivalent would be renaming your name to "rapist" or "murderer". I don't think anyone would want to be named Daniel Murderer. I would think reverting her name back to her maiden name would make more sense, or perhaps she could choose it.

And you are correct, I have not interacted with your characters.

Thanks for addressing my concerns. I still think she should have more personality. Maybe more about how it is being forcibly wed to this nobleman. More about her character would make it solid.

[IAmCrystalClear]

As a note, she did choose, adopting it following fleeing. She'd rather be called a murderer than a coward, using her traitor father's clan name, if that makes sense.

 

[DeadLantern]

I know she chose, but needlessly renaming yourself Guwan will lead her to some inevitable discrimination and justice. I understand the purpose, but it would also make sense if she didn't.

[IAmCrystalClear]

Ah, fair enough.

[Toska]

I agree with a lot of points that DeadLantern.. Well pointed out. The backstory is lacking, it seems very 2-dimensional to me and very little is explained. There is no real driving force to the character in my opinion other than "she loved this man and this man alone". Really that's all the entire thing seems to be about from my perspective.

It seems to me the story focused much too heavily on the 'Wife Competitions' that Unathi carry out and little else. Your explanation for why she killed the husband instead of sneaking away still makes little sense to me. Her cursing the lover makes no sense to me either, seeing as he did try to seek out her hand. It appears that she's a female who doesn't enjoy typical Unathi ways (and there's nothing wrong with that), but as DeadLantern pointed out it is confusing that she would continue on with them in that manner only to then resort to such a drastic action. She didn't rebel against it at any point, or act out against it in any way, except for the end. The husband shouldn't, and most likely wouldn't, have been cruel to her. In fact she would have been treated fairly well for fear of causing a war or conflict with her clan. 

I really really want to touch on the Guwan thing. I don't think any Unathi would ever willing name themselves Guwan. Ever. It is the most shameful name to have. Why would she name herself Guwan when she could just take up a name of her choosing? Literally anything else. Naming herself as such actually limits her possibilities outside the planet as well. It's the name of a criminal and as far as I am aware it means she can't take up certain jobs aboard the Aurora.

Quote

Guwan are exclusively a criminal or otherwise dishonorable untouchable class, and it takes a lot to be labelled as one.

This part is what bothers me the absolute most about this application. It comes off as you wanting to make a strong-willed female, who happens to also be a Guwan, to stir things up with non-Guwan males on station. It is probably not even your intention, it's just how it comes off to me.

I've only ever roleplayed with your characters a handful of times so I can't really comment on that. But from a lore prospective I don't think it can pass just yet. There are a lot of amazing things in the lore that could be utilised better and I think her character needs to be fleshed out a little more. As it stands she almost sounds like a sociopath, as murder is not generally the first idea that comes to mind in an uncomfortable situation.

[IAmCrystalClear]

An update to this thread: I'm going to get around to updating the story when I have the time and energy. Thanks for your patience.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Hello, sorry for the delay.

I am glad to see you are interested in the stories that are possible with females living under the patriarchal society of the unathi. Your character concept is very solid up until the beheading. There are many things wrong with the beheading and escape.

The major issue is that she has committed premeditated murder, and presumably admitted doing it too? That type of character is not really well rounded to work on the Aurora; there are background checks and while we tend to not care about stuff that has plausible deniability, premeditated murder tends to be a bit out there. Why is she not being extradited? The Hegemony has laws and law enforcement. Even if she snuck out before murdering a nobleman, Tau Ceti would agree to extradite her to face the authorities in the Hegemony. Biesel is loosey goosey with its asylum laws, but not that loosey goosey.

Please consider altering your story to have her flee without a murder, which will make a much more reasonable and agreeable character.

Edited February 23, 2019 by Marlon Phoenix

[IAmCrystalClear]

Thanks Senpai. Yeah, planning to edit it a little when I have the energy.

[IAmCrystalClear]

@Senpai Jackboot @Toska I've edited the story a little. Hopefully it's better now.

[DeadLantern]

You do not list the mechanics and biological differences in what makes this species different (such as hissing and uses of M and other letters) and do not list many social differences (no hugging, thwumping of tail, showing if throat, etc). That should be rectified, to truly show you have read the wiki. Of course you don't need every little detail, but some would be preferred.

One of my main gripes of the previous story is that the motive was not a very good one. You use the same motive in that story as in this story, meaning, you did not change it. It is the same. "I do not love this person," or, "I did not choose to marry this person", is the motive for your character. And that is lacking. 

Many, perhaps even all Unathi would be extremely happy with the marriage of a nobleman. All Unathi are used to arranged marriages, and the luxury of choosing a suitor would not be one the character thinks about (which she tries to do anyway). Being wed to a nobleman has more gain than loss. You effectively gaurentee that you will live in luxury and with riches. Your children will survive. You will be respected (relatively). Most female Unathi would wish to marry a nobleman.

And you don't even add anything else to the motive. You do not mention if the nobleman is evil to her, or might of provoked the leaving of her. You even mention that she lies about the nobleman being bad, so he might as well be a saint.

In reality, when she leaves, she is not cursing the nobleman, she is cursing herself.

I would like more of a motive. Perhaps there is financial gain to be had to leaving. Maybe the Mazerrite order declared him a heretic. Something, anything. And we still do not get a glimpse of personality. We are only implied personality, not stated. And when we infer personality, it is broad and unspecific, which is not what you want to base your character upon. But we gain much more of the personality than compared to your last story. We can see that she is devoted, polite, risk taking, and probably a mitläufer. I would like these things to be distinctly stated, however.

You still need to make changes. You do not show enough improvement as of now.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

I will get this again tonight.

I have to disagree with an element of the above. Arranged marriages to a nobleman are not universally loved and acknowledged as valid. Wanting to escape the prison of a marriage you have no ability to refuse consent to is a valid character conflict and motivation.

[IAmCrystalClear]

@DeadLantern I described the mechanics as you asked.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

The rewrites and acknowledgement of criticism show both a better understanding of the Unathi species, a more realistic and reasonable character that is not a murderer, and a good-faith effort to improve. All  very good reasons to accept this application!