Hostility and Insincerity

[hivefleetchicken]

I'm gonna actually use correct grammar and periods in this post like I used to.

Okay, I guess I owe everyone a bit of an explanation as to my recent impatience, aggressiveness, apathy, and general obedience towards any sort of authority. Both in game and on the forums.

Valentines day will mark my two year anniversary of playing on Aurora.

Around February 2014 I was around 15 and a bit immature. I played nearly all females, with strong accents, powerful independence, rude vocabularies, and hostile tendencies. Some were very gentle and nice, but they were all very distasteful. I was, I guess, a very popular community member with Mikus and memers alike. Though I think I didn't enjoy the memers as much back then, to be honest. I was heavily invested in playing out romances, meeting nice people online, and generally being socially active. I never, or so I remember, ever, ever, got in trouble.

I even tried long distance relationships with some chicks. That didn't work out so well, but it was still fun for the first 5 minutes.

About a year in towards playing on Aurora, (I would say 8 months) a good friend of mine took a joke too far and suddenly got me laughed at by a few people, and that hurt, so I decided I'd take a break. He got removed and I didn't go back, and instead settled for Archangel station.

Archangel station was a Warhammer 40k conversion for space station 13. There were at least 300 laser rifles (lasguns) in the armory, and each laser rifle had 150 shots in it. Lots of killing power. There were even more powerful guns that certain roles got that had infinite ammo and such, but my point is that this server was controlled entirely by firepower. I was killed constantly. Within seconds of joining a round I'd see two attack logs and I would then be dead. I was one of the few people on that server that was ever able to RP at all. Most of the time of you stopped to perform an action, a guy would barge in the door, kill you, and run off. Mikus would never survive there. Believe me, they tried.

There was only one type of player that could survive on archangel to the end of the round. A paranoid motherfucker who always had a plan to kill everyone else in the room.

It fascinated me. And I became a primary admin there. The other admins liked to bomb players or ask the players in the server vote command if they wanted an event in which the admin would have an admin mech and kill everyone, and the players voted no, the admins would cast another vote with two options, asking, "Is AA a democracy?" The two options were both No. And the event would run and the admins would grief.

However.

Once I was admin, the playerbase soared from around 5 players average to 30. I was throwing events and doing fun stuff. Lots of people told me I was the only thing keeping it together. I stayed there about 8 months, fighting and biting through multiple host relocations and headmin demotions. It occupied my life, and I spent nearly every waking hour making sure the other players were still able to have fun no matter how hard the other admins griefed and abused them.

I was one of the toughest killing machines there. I became a figure of law and robustness, famously killing the entire server on multiple occasions and still making it fun for them. I always let the playerbase choose stuff.

After countless stories that I could get paid to travel the world and tell involving the corruption of that place, I noticed that the playerbase was being set up for replacement, in that all the old players would be banned and the admins would advertise the server for a more aggressive audience, and I was resigning to convince people from staying long enough for the admins to boot them. We were going to fall on our own swords.

Well, a month later or so, the server went bankrupt. No players and no donations. We'll call that a coincidence to be polite.

The thing that fucked me up the most in all of this is that this entire process of me deciding to leave occurred in about 2 minutes. It was a tidal wave of emotion. But I kept myself together. I didn't blink, and what I let myself feel the most was resentment.

I found myself staring at the Aurora lobby not long ago. I was back. But I had forgotten how to play my old characters. I deleted them all, and started new ones. Goofy ones. Ones that kill without mercy if the situation calls for such. Drill sergeants, kill bots. I could never go back to role playing silly stuff, because if you did anything besides kill on Archangel, you were dead in a heartbeat.

I can never, ever, feel attached to a community again after Archangel. I was the hero of that server, and when the time came, all I could do to save the playerbase was leave, and the server still died.

Every time I try to type with correct grammar in OOC I feel like I'm teaching nope22 on how to play Inquisitor, or respond to a PM of Austinwelser trying to remember how to spell hereticus. Or andrewserafini asking me to make him a slime. Or true disciple telling me I was the best primary admin he's ever had the privilege of looking up to. Or brutishcrab51 on his first day trying to learn the lore of Warhammer 40k.

In short, I let myself get too close and got burned. And I'll be damned if I ever get close to a fucking space station 13 community again.

The only pals I've been close with since were the ones that I knew from before Aurora. They drew out innocence in me. And they're leaving and getting banned every day. And it makes me recede even further from coming out of my shell.

So the next time you see me being a retard, just know that I'll be out of your hair one day. For now, I'm just gonna sit in the corner and badmouth Mikus. Sorry.

[Guest]

In short, I let myself get too close and got burned. And I'll be damned if I ever get close to a fucking space station 13 community again.

 

Hive, whatever happened there, I think we all know that wasn't your fault. Archangel was set up to die and there was nothing you could've done about it.

I think you might be making a mistake in thinking that getting close to people around here will burn you. I mean, sure, I contributed in several ways that drove a certain minority of the community off the server because of several disagreements regarding tone and different opinions on several subjects regarding server climate.

I probably regret saying some things back then, not so much for others, but you get the hand you are dealt and the only way to deal is to move on and keep trying.

Life is full of disappointment and disaster. Getting past it and forging your own path forward is what makes you a good human.

Shitposting isn't going to fill that void for you. You need to do better than that.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Guest

[hivefleetchicken]

My path is not to fall in love with a fucking 2d spaceman simulator again.

It's just easier to, I dunno', dodge emotions if you're laughing while doing it.

[Guest]

Dunno what to tell you then, I have no answers for what you seek.

Humans are not designed to keep all that crap bottled up. Even if you think nobody wants to hear it, you should talk about what's eating you sometimes.

You would be surprised how much people are willing to listen if you try to establish yourself as sincere. You can't do everything alone, pal. God didn't make us to be lone wolves.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Guest

[hivefleetchicken]

Another detail I only barely mentioned was the fact that it's not only being burned but the feeling of pointlessness I feel when getting dedicated to something as crazy as ss13 community. Most people know its temporary, but for me, I'm always at 1 minute to midnight on the doomsday clock, seeing as that's how archangel was, what with the host banning the poster above and below a guy on the forums that he banned just to prove how powerful he was. The two other guys didn't even do anything wrong, for fucks sakes...

I feel like it's going to end any minute now. And I'll always feel that way, so I'm always prepped with the last laugh in hand.

EDIT: the last laugh is almost always a shitpost that took less than 2 seconds for me to think up but it's better than fuxking trying to keep my head above water screaming like on AA.

[Guest]

Another detail I only barely mentioned was the fact that it's not only being burned but the feeling of pointlessness I feel when getting dedicated to something as crazy as ss13 community.

 

I feel you. You know how I take security so seriously and make the whole business behind it seem like it's complex lobbying politics? And how everyone calls me a raging autist for it? They're probably not wrong, but it's some sort of solace I take in all of this.

Yeah, it's on and off for me but I always feel there's a hint of pointlessness to everything I do, it often feels nothing will change. I try to handwave it and pretend it doesn't matter, but let's be honest, we're all way too deep into what we're doing to even bother taking anything back. It's not temporary, the feeling is always there.

It's not easy to deal with, so I'm not gonna tell ya to do nothin'.

 

I feel like it's going to end any minute now. And I'll always feel that way, so I'm always prepped with the last laugh in hand.

 

Of course. There is always an end to all things. Just make something good of it.

Even though you've changed in some rather strange ways since before you left for AA and since you came back, at least know I still care, hive. Be cool, mmk?

[Zundy]

You a cool guy hive. As cunty as this sounds and as much as it pains me to sound like an 'adult' we all go through this shit in life and you'll feel like an absolute rad fuck again soon enough.

Shit man I've seen like three RP servers of different shades go that way even though they seemed awesome...and like ten stay online for over ten.fucking.years and still going freakishly strong.

I believe this is gonna be one of those servers that you log into ten years later and think "fuck is that still going" and you log in and half the staff are old players you remember being newbies but they all remember you along with one grizzled vet staff member who kept it all together (that actually happened bruh).

Suffice to say oldies all feel ya man. Much love you glorious bastard.

[Garnascus]

It sure is a hell of a lot of fun though hive. I think you deny an awesome thing for yourself by not letting yourself get attached. Getting burned like that never gets easier, but it does get more fun. We got something here in aurora hive, this place fucking sucks but I love every detail of it.

[Dreamix]

TL;DR

[XdwbX]

Shit man I've seen like three RP servers of different shades go that way even though they seemed awesome...

 

As have I.

Hive, I like to think I understand what you're going through, just a bit. First time I was admin on SS13 was shortly after I started playing (maybe a month or two in) on Apollo Station (Laser50 was host and told me he was just starting out.). From there, I bounced around a bit. I was one of many that ended up on Athena. Built up a little rep there and got admin. I think most people know how that went.

I told myself a lot of the same stuff you're saying. "I won't let it happen, again. I won't set myself up to for disappointment. I won't invest anything of myself into this, and remain impartial."

For me, it just doesn't work (or I was too stubborn to learn) and I ended with admin on Hypatia. Again, I, for whatever reason, cared about the server, and the community. Well, we know how this ended, as well.

I did something similar to what you did. Where you went to the Murder Server, I tended to stick with Sandbox. Needless to say, the majority of people that play sandbox aren't really in it for the rich RP.

But, here I am on Aurora. It may be the build-up to another let-down, but that's okay. I really don't mind, and I will try to absorb as much fun and sense-of-community as possible before then. Afterwards, and maybe some time later, I'll think back, "Man, my days on that server were pretty good. Those were some awesome people."

TL;DR - Don't shell up because of a bad experience, please. Allow yourself to get involved, but you can be skeptical. Just, take a chance, and you may be surprised. If not, you can say you saw it coming.

[Dreamix]

TL;DR

After actually reading that, fuck, now I feel bad. That was mean.

I wish I had something interesting to say, but I don't. Don't ever get banned, Hive. That would make me sad, really. Considering that no matter how many shitposts I've seen coming out of you, I wasn't the one to think that you're the imbecile.