How NOT to play Medical

[Ian The Corgi]

I like the 'How NOT to play Security' on the baystation wiki, so I've remade it in the same style, but of medical, please enjoy.

- Mindbreaker Toxin and Paroxetine are one and the same, administer freely.

- Tricordazine heals all wounds, but only when fired from a syringe gun.

- Cloning requires no skill, all medical staff know the practice.

- As a Paramedic it is your duty to ignore the surgeon on stand-by, for only you can stop forest fires can perform surgery correctly.

- Virologists are responsible for all viral outbreaks, hold them accountable for their crimes.

- Patients must be full of anaesthetic for all treatment except surgery.

- All Surgeons specialise in sex-change operations. DEMAND THEIR COMPLIANCE, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL MAN/WOMAN (Delete as necessary).

- Crisis Borgs are on station to open doors for you, the hero, the protagonist, the one and only.

- "AI OPEN CHEMISTRY" is a valid demand regardless of how many Chemists are present.

- All Medical staff must be implanted with a death alarm.

This is a short list, but it took 30 minutes, so i give up for now. Make some more in replies

[Fiskap]

funny

[Guest]

- The fire axe case is to be left unlocked and open at all times.

- OR sterility is a myth. Medbay messes are to be left uncleaned in order to signify medbay busyness and operation.

[Fire and Glory]

-It's much more efficient to inject medicines and force pills without asking for permission, your patient should trust you to know what's best.

-The no smoking signs are merely suggestions if you are medical personnel.

-Always roll wounded to medical as fast as you possibly can, treating wounds on-site is for the lazy.

-The janitor is planning on sabotaging equipment, watch him at all times.

-Assume any dosage of the requested medicine for a prescription is fine, reading records of requesting personnel slows progress.

[Pyrociraptor]

- Odysseus was made so you can go to the bar even faster !

- Roller beds or grab intent is useless, just drag your patient there !

- Multiple patients need treatment right now? Don't use cryo, nobody use that ! Its survival of the fitest !

- You're in charge of the chemistry lab? Only make the "end-tier" medication when needed, don't prepare them before, that'll be a waste !

- Remember, a good medication is a medication with space drugs.

[Ian The Corgi]

- As the surgeon, it is your holy quest to deliver monkey brains to the kitchen, they'll figure it out.

- Too many docs spoil the broth, EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF SURGERY BEFORE I GO MALPRACTICE UP IN THIS BITCH!!

- Virologists are dark and vile creatures, lurking in the depths of virology, Ill crewmembers are the sacrifices toward the beast.

- Medibots run without medicine.

[SomeoneOutTher3]

-It doesn't matter how many people have suit sensors set to their maximum setting. Unless they die right outside Medical,we're not looking for them.

-Don't ever use a full body scanner,a good doctor can tell what organs/bones are damaged without it!.

-Don't bother cloning. It's survival of the fittest! Deliver all dead bodies to the kitchen,forget about "cloning"!

-Never,EVER set up the cryotherapy cells beforehand,only do it when you got multiple critically-wounded patients!

[nicemoreoften]

-Never,EVER set up the cryotherapy cells

ftfy

[Arrow768]

- You are a surgeon/doctor. Why bother the paramedic with retrieving the body when you can do it ?

- Always make sure your patients wears a hardsuit before you put them into cryo.

- Aesthetics are overrated when doing surgery. Only the weak need them.

- If a patient is in crit and has internal bleeding cryo is the best way to treat it.

- If a patient ejects himself from cryo put him in again asap for only you know whats best

[Chaznoodles]

- Aesthetics are overrated when doing surgery. Only the weak need them.

 

A E S T H E T I C S

[Zundy]

- Aesthetics are overrated when doing surgery. Only the weak need them.

 

A E S T H E T I C S

 

[witchbells]

The detective is never allowed to be in the morgue ever

The syringe gun belongs to whoever gets it first.

Prescriptions and the CMO's requests are just suggestions, feel free to work on that mindbreaker/space drugs/zombie powder mix.

The nurse dresses are respectable and appropriate for any female medical staff.

[Guest]

The nurse dresses are respectable and appropriate for any female medical staff.

 

Savage.

[Guest Complete Garbage]

The nurse dresses are respectable and appropriate for any female medical staff.

[Girdo]

The nurse dresses are respectable and appropriate for any female medical staff.

 

The nurse dresses are respectable and appropriate for any female medical station staff.

Medical records and DNC are just fluff, don't bother checking them before tossing a guy in cloning. You never gave him permission to die.

Some critical-condition patients are too hard to treat. Circular saw the life out of them and clone the corpse. Like it never happened!

The morgue trays don't need labels like "cloned", "cyborgified", or "braindead." Hell, just shove all the corpses into a single tray! EFFICIENCY!

Sleepers are to never, ever be used, under any circumstances. They make the chemists feel unwanted.

You're the surgeon, those tools are YOURS! Shove the OR equipment into your satchel to protect it from the undeserving.

If it's in a medkit, it belongs to medical. Raid all the emergency oxygen closets for their o2 kits. Dexalin is HARD for chemists to make, man!

All blood is compatible with all other blood. If they're low, grab the first pack that has red stuff in it and fill them up.

The patient's feeble mind cannot comprehend what's wrong with them. Silently drag them around to different equipment to patch them up. Come along, sheeple.