[Denied] MASMC's Tajaran Whitelist Application

[MASMC]

BYOND Key: MASMC

Character Names: Mike Smith, Wolf Herrum, Dean Herrum

Species you are applying to play: Tajaran

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Either grey or brown

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yass

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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

I wish to play a Tajaran because I have always wanted to, and I see others. I also am quite fond of the accents needed. I am fluent in the lore where needed, and wish to become the next. I feel like the Tajaran is also miss-understood, and I want to help others understand ICly.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

Playing a Tajaran has different attack methods and heat levels. They also have a few different language points, such as using the pronouns 'He" and/or "She" in place of I, as well as "Him" and "Her." They also mostly RP that they are lower, but can get a bit hot-tempered at times.

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Character Name: Yar'Liiz Mertyir

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs

Yar'Liiz comes from one of the coldest regions on Adhomai. Her home village was burnt down during the Adhomai conflict, and her mother tried to take care of her, until her mother died while she was just about to turn 15 years old. She was then taken to a military platform by her father, who always impartial to her mother trying to keep her, even though they could not support 3 kits. Upon leaving, she found out that one of her siblings had tried to come with her. They were both tested on the military platform, though she was the only one enlisted after training. She was then told she was special in some way. She has been through many battles since. In the Epsilon Major system, she was bit by another Tajaran, whose tooth hit her vocal cords, thus hampering her use of language. She sometimes begins slurring speech after talking.

Her family was lost during the Great War, most after she was taken to the military platform. She had a two week old brother, who was kidnapped, by who she believes to have been Skrellian, for analysis. She has had many losses since this happened. The last battle she fought in, she lost three of her squadmembers, and has retired from enlistment. She now works on the research platform Exodus.

What do you like about this character?

The fact that they were on a military platform, and I find it sad that she has lost her entire family, including her two-week old brother. I wish to play with this, maybe tweak it a bit more as well.

How would you rate your role-playing ability? I personally would rate my RP ability as a 8/10 as I sometimes fail to RP. I do know that playing a different race requires a lot of RP, but I can improve as needed, taking tips at the end of rounds.

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Notes: Thanks for taking the time to read my app, and as always, give me some tips at the end of rounds! I can be contacted thru BYOND. Just PM me!

Edited July 24, 2016 by Guest

[HouseOfSynth]

Okay.. first off your first questions (the two after 'Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question') Need to be a little longer and a little more fleshed out in my opinion..

Right off the bat with your backstory I want to link you to this: http://forums.aurorastation.org/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=6218 It basically says that Tajarans have to be apart of the Adhomai conflict, reason being these apps are supposed to test your knowledge of the Tajaran lore.

So for now I'm gonna' keep in neutral, don't worry about the negative feedback, I made the same mistake with my backstory.. Just needs a little refining and it will be fine.. Perhaps look at some other apps that have been accepted in the archives.. Hope this helps!

[MASMC]

Okay, thanks, House! Will take a look and revise! <3

[Coalf]

Alright, I have to tell all this, first off, I'm all over quality over quantity, but this isn't quality.

Now it's short, and I'd understand that if it was a short thrilling story but it was just a VERY short story.

Now first, she was taken at the age of three, we don't know why I'm presuming because the character doesn't but we don't even get to hear who the parents were? No heart wrenching scene of little Yar'lizz being torn out of the hands of her parents? Instead we get a few words going "She was taken onto a military station" why was she taken there? To be trained into a soldier we know but why her? Was there a purpose in finding a random kid? they could have just hired some random guy that already had military training, it would have been shorter, easier and cheaper than kidnaping a random small kid from some bumfuck nowhere place and bringing it on the station.

But not only a military station, but a military station IN THE SOL SYSTEM, why would they take a kid ALL the way from Ahdomai to Sol? One would guess it was because she was special or some bullshit but no, she's a grunt some random soldier, we don't even get to see who took care of little Yar while she was growing up, was it a chef? some other soldier? The leader of super friends? We don't know.

After that we get to know she was in a lot of battles, that's alright but we discover that she was fighting another Tajaran, was that in some war? in a random battle? Who does she work for anyways? What are her political afflitiations? Does she not feel anything growing up amongst humans and now fights against someone who looks like her?

Now at the end you tell us she lost her family before the great war and her brother was kidnapped, why are you putting that here? that should have been at the start when we were introduced to the character not now, now we should know everything about the character.

The character is boring, the only emotion we get from her is when you tell us she feels sad at the death of her three squadmates, I read the whole backstory and I still know nothing about the character, I don't know her motivations, I don't know how she feels I have no idea how she would react in certain situations, is she searching for her brother? Does she want to help Ahdomai or does she feel nothing to her own kind seeing as she grew up on a Sol military station?

Also wouldn't she have a very human name? Or at least a nickname since she grew up with humans and not her own kind.

All and all you are a good roleplayer, but this backstory is just not good, this character may be the greatest thing in your mind but we can't read your mind, you have to describe the character to us enough so that we can actually like it. To me this entire app is extremely lazy, something you wrote in 5 minutes hoping to get to play a faster human, but no man, you gotta spend some time on your backstory and app, think it through, sit down somewhere and think about the character as a different person that you grew up with.

In the end I have to give this up a -1, if you polish the backstory, fill it up a bit and make it overall better my opinion will probably change.

So yeah -1 from me-

[MASMC]

I edited, most of this will be a bit off now. But I will still take into consideration, thanks Coalf!

[hivefleetchicken]

Alright, I have to tell all this, first off, I'm all over quality over quantity, but this isn't quality.

Now it's short, and I'd understand that if it was a short thrilling story but it was just a VERY short story.

Now first, she was taken at the age of three, we don't know why I'm presuming because the character doesn't but we don't even get to hear who the parents were? No heart wrenching scene of little Yar'lizz being torn out of the hands of her parents? Instead we get a few words going "She was taken onto a military station" why was she taken there? To be trained into a soldier we know but why her? Was there a purpose in finding a random kid? they could have just hired some random guy that already had military training, it would have been shorter, easier and cheaper than kidnaping a random small kid from some bumfuck nowhere place and bringing it on the station.

But not only a military station, but a military station IN THE SOL SYSTEM, why would they take a kid ALL the way from Ahdomai to Sol? One would guess it was because she was special or some bullshit but no, she's a grunt some random soldier, we don't even get to see who took care of little Yar while she was growing up, was it a chef? some other soldier? The leader of super friends? We don't know.

After that we get to know she was in a lot of battles, that's alright but we discover that she was fighting another Tajaran, was that in some war? in a random battle? Who does she work for anyways? What are her political afflitiations? Does she not feel anything growing up amongst humans and now fights against someone who looks like her?

Now at the end you tell us she lost her family before the great war and her brother was kidnapped, why are you putting that here? that should have been at the start when we were introduced to the character not now, now we should know everything about the character.

The character is boring, the only emotion we get from her is when you tell us she feels sad at the death of her three squadmates, I read the whole backstory and I still know nothing about the character, I don't know her motivations, I don't know how she feels I have no idea how she would react in certain situations, is she searching for her brother? Does she want to help Ahdomai or does she feel nothing to her own kind seeing as she grew up on a Sol military station?

Also wouldn't she have a very human name? Or at least a nickname since she grew up with humans and not her own kind.

All and all you are a good roleplayer, but this backstory is just not good, this character may be the greatest thing in your mind but we can't read your mind, you have to describe the character to us enough so that we can actually like it. To me this entire app is extremely lazy, something you wrote in 5 minutes hoping to get to play a faster human, but no man, you gotta spend some time on your backstory and app, think it through, sit down somewhere and think about the character as a different person that you grew up with.

In the end I have to give this up a -1, if you polish the backstory, fill it up a bit and make it overall better my opinion will probably change.

So yeah -1 from me-

 

Holy SHIT dude I don't even know how to respond

[MASMC]

So, honestly, I am kind of sad b/c my relation of the ckey to chars is now broken. I used to hide one of the chars. Nobody but admins knew it. But, worth it if I get accepted.

[hivefleetchicken]

Right so, I thought I'd talk about several points of this application.

For one, I find it really weird that she went around the galaxy fighting battles. It's all on Adhomai unless you're talking about the kitty fights on occurring on-station. I don't see anything about what side she fought for, or what values her parents died preserving - any of that. No offense, but it feels slightly stale. I want people to join the race to either bully people for their fur color, yell at people for their political beliefs, or get bullied for being cowards who ran from their homeworld. I don't see any of that in this, just a faint speaking bashful catbeast orphan.

Furthermore, I spoke with the Skrell loremaster - they're not evil enough to abduct Tajaran kids for analysis. Most of the Tajaran biology is already common knowledge.

Overall this application falls short of the colorful and explosive, or reserved and timid aspects of Tajaran politics and interaction. Instead it's just kinda' stagnant.

For this reason this application is denied.

[MASMC]

Ah, damnit. Well, to try again next year. Meh. Thanks for taking the time, anyways!

[Skull132]

Application archived.