How to deal with the security 101

[Coalf]

I see you, coming into this thread thinking, "Oh another guide against shitcurity", but no you fucking fence sniffers this is a guide how YOU should deal with security.

Now I know it might be complicated, "But Coalf! I'm not the problem, it's the shitcurity always fucking everything up I'm perfect!", look you aren't perfect if you're getting arrested you fucked up somewhere so let's work you through this shit from step one to last

Step 1:SECURITY ARRESTING ME HEEEEELP

Now the first thing that's going to happen is security coming to your department and saying you're under arrest.

Now first thing, ask if they have an arrest warrant, if they don't and you're are actually an antag this can give you some time to get rid of any incriminating shit you had on you or even run as they have to go get it, but most likely they'll keep an officer around to guard you.

If you're not an antag and they have to get an arrest warrant get rid of ANYTHING suspicious, hatchet? Into the trash. Hacked the autolathe for that sweet sweet industrial weld tool? Fix it quick, try to message as many people as you know that saw you not moving from your department this round to testify for you and most importantly, don't scream over the radio

If there is one thing that gets you throw into solitary faster than being bald it's screaming bullshit over the radio about fascism and security being bigots against your race, to security that means you're being a cunt/rev (no difference), the only thing this will do will create a lynch mob either against you or against security making shit even more complicated for you and everyone involved.

If you actually are a rev/cult/mutiny this can be a start for violent revolution but remember that your ass is probably going to get taken down first.

Step 2: Ah did not hit her, I did naaaaaath, Oh hi Mark

Well shit, you're in security sitting in the interview room and security is searching your backpack, if you listened to the first step they most likely found nothing and will let you go right?

Wrong

Now the most creative part starts, you're being questioned, most likely by the Warden or HoS since they have nothing to do the whole round but sit at bar and be generally annoying.

Now first thing you gotta remember that every, EVERY HoS is a hardasss, literally every single one and they'll try to mostly speak like they've already decided on your sentence, first thing you do is calm down and think, you have plenty of time security gets to talk to you.

First don't lie, lying is stupid, don't make up something new, just keep silent.

They will ask you things like, why are you fingerprints there, why is this here, did you meet the guy? Simply answer them truthfully but keep silent about things that could get you in jail. "Why were you fingerprints on [WEPON]?", "I held it before", "When did you hold it and who gave it to you", "[THE PERSON THAT GOT KILLED] had it and he showed it to me", most importantly don't try to frame a specific person, be more broad general, ask the detective/HoS/Warden questions too, try to make him come to a result that doesn't have you and jail in it but somebody else, never tell a lie but not telling the whole truth is also an option.

Don't forget all those people you messaged, if they actually come and testify for you it can get you out of jail quick, but make sure you testimony aligns with theirs, otherwise they could be your ticket to jail.

But most likely you'll get locked up anyways, when you're in questioning 8/10 times it means they've already made up their mind about you and you're going to jail no matter what you do, but you can still do one thing and that is to reduce you jail time.

Step 3: I'LL CLIMB UP YOUR ASS AND BLOW MYSELF UP

Be polite

No seriously this is the most important part that's why it's almost last so only Pro's get to read it.

So you're getting arrested fuck, but that doesn't matter, unless they saw you killing someone you're probably going to get out of there in like a few minutes, now first off remind them that processing also counts into the timer, so no not 30 minutes but only 10 since you dragged it out.

Now follow them around, don't try to run, if you want to keep your PDA or comm just ask if you can keep it so you can write with your friends/lawyer, if they're a cool guy they'll let you keep it and you can get your buttbuddies to get you out, if not don't forget you have the station intercom in Brig and you can call the captain, IAA, HoP to come and help you with your rights.

Be polite, every insult only increases your sentence, a kind words often gets you further than bribes or intimidation, multiple times I have been let out of security or have been allowed to keep all my things just because I wasn't being an ass, remember security also wants to ERP in the hallways and having to deal with you only increases the time before they can do that, so try to keep it short.

Also, the more polite you are the less people will have their eye on you, giving you a bigger window to escape or some sec will even let you run away from them giving you a head start if you were polite enough.

Also never call them shitcurity, that's a solitary.

 

Step 4: SEE YOU LATER SHITLORDS

Ah welcome to the secret archives where I tell you how to get your robust ass out of the brig, remember the brig we have is pretty fucking easy to get out of.

First lesson: I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND

Never fight on their turf, be like batman, you have almost infinite prep time in brig so set up, examine your surroundings.

Now, the entire brig is lined with wall flashes, a lot of shitcurity forget that and run in there with their flash but the AI is pretty smart and will probably get your ass down, there is one place where wallflashes aren't, that's the shitter so fight there, also by busting the lightbulb you can make it completely dark there creating the perfect robusting environment.

Second lesson: THIS, IS A KNOIFE

Lighbulbs: Pros- Everywhere, easy to get/ Create dark, good environment/ can cut, meaning blood/Can break glass, meaning shards

Cons- Loud bang when broken/ Dark can give you out/ Not very robust

Shards: Pros- Glass is everywhere/ Can make people bleed / Does not conduct electricity, can break girders, even electrified

Cons- Glass takes long to break/ Hitting glass is really loud/ anyone can see you breaking it/ REALLY LOUD MAN

Soap: Pros- It's soap, slippery, robust, perfect weapon

Cons- none

Shocked girders: Pros- Break glass, push sec into it, hilarity ensues

cons- dangerous/ have to break glass first

Absinthe+Lighter: Pros- easy to find, in lockers nears brig cryo/stuns when head targeted/ great against meow meows/broken bottle after usage

Cons- only one use/ this will get you in solitary forever, probably murdered too

Gardening tools: Pros: What?

Cons: No seriously why are you using this are you a gardener?

Lesson number three: NOT IN SOLITARY SHITCURITYYYYY

Well shit you're in solitary what now? You probably have no weapons, no way out and no balls to hold onto.

But do not fear the AI the comms are here, easy just call for help! Wait shit did sec take that? Well fuck them take a paper, a pen scribble on paper and show it to the AI!

The AI literally cannot ignore you, that thing is a pop-up window.

 

Ending rant

How scrumdiddly umpcious, now you've completed this guide and you're ready to deal with security and get out scott free, how fucking great aren't you a fucking master of the puppets you little nipple twister, but remember one thing, the best way to deal with security, is to not get arrested.

[Guest Complete Garbage]

True beauty is hard to come by. I think I just found some.

[Guest]

Rule 1: Admit to everything if you've done nothing wrong.

Rule 2: Admit to nothing if you've done everything wrong.

Rule 3: You're facing a good security officer if they're trying to cut bargains with you. If your life might depend on it, it's a good idea to make good on cut deals.

[Zundy]

Don't forget:

If secuirty saw you do the crime they do not need a warrant. You might think you're admiral of the ruse-cruise when you sneakily break into chemistry only to be grabbed by sec' on the way out because they were watching you on the cameras the whole time bro.

Low level crimes can be "worked" by just paying a fine. It's regulations fam. If you get caught just apologise and say you'll pay the fine. This includes trespassing and petty theft.

[Guest]

Don't forget:

If secuirty saw you do the crime they do not need a warrant. You might think you're admiral of the ruse-cruise when you sneakily break into chemistry only to be grabbed by sec' on the way out because they were watching you on the cameras the whole time bro.

Low level crimes can be "worked" by just paying a fine. It's regulations fam. If you get caught just apologise and say you'll pay the fine. This includes trespassing and petty theft.

 

Note, the ability to pay a fine to Security for a crime falls on Warden, and if he allows it, and if he is absent, the arresting officer/ HoS . Some officials will not permit fines for repeat offenses, or if the person is a known hooligan.

[Girdo]

Additional protip: Most onboard AI are lawed with either Asimov or the "Protect, Serve, etc." lawset. Easiest way to get out of permabrig is as follows:

Grab handy paper and pen from table in permabrig.

Write out "AI, Law Two: Serve the crew, please open the visitation window and exterior door". Hold it up to the camera. Approximately 75% of AI will obligingly follow their laws immediately and open the doors, in which case you can yakety sax down the public hallway, get a change of clothes, and become Anonymous again.

ALTERNATIVELY, the AI MAY decide to loophole out by announcing your intentions over one of the comms, and asking for someone of a higher rank/role to override your request. Which will immediately happen, cause you're a prisoner scum. *cough R.E.D. D.A.W.N. cough*

In this case, you need a new plan. Take the mini-hoe from the gardening area in permabrig, break one of the light tubes. Use said light tube to destroy the visitation window door. Use shard from door to break reinforced window on exterior, use metal rods and shard combo to destroy the remaining roadblocks to freedom.

[Guest]

Additional protip: Most onboard AI are lawed with either Asimov or the "Protect, Serve, etc." lawset. Easiest way to get out of permabrig is as follows:

Grab handy paper and pen from table in permabrig.

Write out "AI, Law Two: Serve the crew, please open the visitation window and exterior door". Hold it up to the camera. Approximately 75% of AI will obligingly follow their laws immediately and open the doors, in which case you can yakety sax down the public hallway, get a change of clothes, and become Anonymous again.

ALTERNATIVELY, the AI MAY decide to loophole out by announcing your intentions over one of the comms, and asking for someone of a higher rank/role to override your request. Which will immediately happen, cause you're a prisoner scum. *cough R.E.D. D.A.W.N. cough*

In this case, you need a new plan. Take the mini-hoe from the gardening area in permabrig, break one of the light tubes. Use said light tube to destroy the visitation window door. Use shard from door to break reinforced window on exterior, use metal rods and shard combo to destroy the remaining roadblocks to freedom.

 

All of this is either incorrect or too destructive to avoid leaving a trace.

AIs prioritise the following in terms of "rank and role" for Law 2:

Captain

Command staff

Departmental staff

Assistants

Synthetic Station-bound Assistants

Prisoners

If it's against the will of the captain, command and security department to release a prisoner from the brig, then the AI is not obligated to do anything or even bother processing whether to let you out or not. Conflict of interest, and logical conflict via laws.

also, >breaking out of communal brig only to be caught and cyborgified, ayy lmao

[Serveris]

Some additional advice. Don't jerk the detective around in questioning. Presuming you were arrested for a high profile charge, ie, murder, infiltration, etc, assume he's actually done his homework. (A good detective will be citing their evidence against you in interrogation.)

Boldly denying that you've ever touched a murder weapon when your fingerprints are all over it, directly proving that you have, in fact, touched the damn thing, isn't going to get you anywhere. The detective knows you're full of shit. The HoS knows you're full of shit. Just hone up to it, and see if you can direct the heat elsewhere. If a detective did his job properly, they have placed you at the scene of a crime inexplicitly, and probably have a pretty good idea what went down. If you're completely fucked and have no way out, consider actually confessing. If a detective vouches for you to the warden/head of security and says you were cooperative with them, this can actually lead to a significant reduction in your sentence. (Obviously if this is a murder charge or what-not, you're just waving the white flag. It might get you treated a bit better in the brig, though.)

[Skull132]

Rule 3: You're facing a good security officer if they're trying to cut bargains with you. If your life might depend on it, it's a good idea to make good on cut deals.

 

This is probably the most important rule. If sec is trying to slide you a warning or, you know, actually come forward with a solution to the problem. It's a good idea to go with it and to not be an ass later on without a legitimate reason! It'll reinforce the officer's behaviour, and they're more likely to repeat it later on.