Detroit: Become Cat. A tajara whitelist application.

[AnselmKonrad]

BYOND Key:  Anselm Konrad  (or AnselmKonrad I dont know if spaces matter.)

Character Names: FROST (Cyborg) Jack Hammerstein (Roboticist), Ides Solis (Security Cadet), Davion Sialo (Engineering Apprentice)

Species you are applying to play: Tajaran (M'sai specifically)

What color do you plan on making your first alien character: Silver (RGB 192, 192, 192 / Hex #c0c0c0)

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes.

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

      I want to play a Tajara because the lore is so in depth with this specific race comparatively that you can create a new character and not worry about severe overlapping between them. Unless you tried, you almost  cant make the same character twice as there is so many opportunities to fork off (even if only slightly) and make a different story compared to the previous. The very in depth politics and ideologies between the three nations personally  interests me as well as it allows just that much more IC interaction beyond the usual "Raaa. Different nation raaa go away you're not one of us aaa." You can find characters of your own nation with differing ways of  thinking that create unique scenarios of roleplay, for better or worse ICly. That just appeals to me; conversations of history and differences that can easily last.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human: 

      First and foremost would be the way they talk. Everything said is in third person with exception of very specific scenarios. Their culture is also very specific where as humans generally have a lot more freedom. Humans can express themselves very openly while a tajara is not exactly accustomed to public displays of emotion, let alone affection. I wouldn't say humans are "lore free" but generally humans have a lot more freedom in terms of how you can create their characters, having next to no lore behind them either as a trainer character for aurora. Tajara definitely are much harder of a species than human to roleplay for the quirks of how you play them.

Character Name: Komolov Yemelianovich

Please provide a short backstory for this character:

   I apologize in advance because I think I made a backstory so long I could probably fit somewhere in the list of "top 20 longest WL backstories"

       Kaltir was originally a kingdom by the name of Kingdom of Kaltir before capitulating to the PRA in the first revolution. The PRA went on to kill a large portion of the present nobles in the region, some fleeing from being killed and several such that of the king’s son being put into hiding in various ways to escape revolutionaries. With Kaltir under the rule of PRA, this sets the stage for our tajaran friend to enter in anew.

      Hailing from the Kaltir region of Northern Harr’masir, Komolov Yemelianovich is a young M’sai Tajara born in 2437 to a family that has been in service of Kaltir’s law enforcement. The PRA ruled Kaltir and the land surrounding it. His father, Zincheko, was currently employed at said agency and was a locally well-regarded officer. His sister was born a few years after him, a heart condition was discovered, treatment under PRA was possible due to decent medical care but expensive, keeping them poor. He was quite young still but would help his mother care for her.

      Komolov was taught by his mother to prepare him for school. His mother also taught him about the teachings of S’rendarr and Messa, and to stay home and take care of house and home. He would go to the local education centre to be taught further, he earned decent grades for himself earning praise from his teachers. The education itself wasn't spectacular, but this praise encouraged him personally to continue on and practice his literacy skills at a local library outside of school teachings.

      As a child, he often worked for some extra credits to help his family as they struggled with paying for everything with his sister’s medical treatments. Komolov’s community service and his father’s work as a very respected constable kept his family in a positive light. Considering his future by the age of 8, and ethnicity being that of a M’sai and his father being part of law enforcement his choices were only obvious. So, he trained and studied in preparation. By the age of 14, he becomes a part of the local police force as an intern and eventually a secretary while he comes of age.

Vahzirthaamro Azunja was released. In the year 2450, the rumored rebellion comes to reality and the New Kingdom of Adhomai is established, the region is plunged into war and conscription begins.

     Komolov’s father, still being fit for service, goes to war so that way Komolov doesn't have to. He did this so Komolov may have a proper chance at the end result of the war. Komolov becomes an adult a year later and struggles in his father’s absence, but keeps his family afloat to the best of his abilities. However his sister’s health falters as they cant afford it anymore, causing her at the age of 12 to become bedridden while treatments become far and in between.

     Hes promoted to a fully-fledged police officer amongst several other new hire-ons in an effort to regain some of the police force lost to conscription. Due to the need of officers, their training was accelerated. Komolov, having experience in general around the department, would help the new hire-ons with learning the paperwork portions of the job.

     Komolov keeps in contact with his father while he's gone through letters, he was relieved to hear that his father was selected to be part of a military police unit keeping order behind the lines, particularly around command sections. His father would still tell tales of horrors he unfortunately had to witness from afar, or heard. Komolov being an part of the constabulary helps him see more clearly how the war has affected home as crime rates have risen dramatically, and would ask his father for advice when letters came around.

     Komolov’s pay was not enough to sustain his family, something on his end had to be done. He knew the person who owned the library he studied at when he was younger. The owner became a noble through helping the rebellion kick off and agreed to help Komolov until his father returned due to Komolov’s slight renown and good actions of the past. However, the noble’s condition of acceptance was that Komolov would owe back every credit given, paid back in either credits or by servitude.

     Years pass by as Komolov continues this trend, paying the noble back with time and credits he can spare to minimize his ending debt, which would still end up a respectable amount. Due to his current occupation and ethnicity he would often stand as a bodyguard for the noble. For a brief moment he courts the librarian’s daughter in this period of time, but it doesn't work out.

     In 2458 King Vhzirthaamro Azunja calls for a meeting. He notifies but warns of the likely imminent PRA attacks. Whilst Komolov stayed at the ready in Kaltir, the fighting thankfully never reaches the Captial. The expeditionary forces helped crush their advance with much surprise to the NKA. Later on a year later the parliament is bombed by a child, and after helping keep the peace following the event our m'sai becomes a bit demoralized from what he saw for a while.

     After the kingdom scrambles to slap together some nobility to replace those lost, and with a lot of false claims, parliament is somewhat back to how it was. The kingdom gets some signs from the Ma'ta'ke priests interpreted and from the interpretation and military agreeance, NKA goes on the offensive. During this time, Komolov would send letters more frequently to check in on his father, for he worried about him and cared. A lot of push and shove from the NKA forces and some luck later, the PRA are pushed out of the region entirely, and an armistice is signed in 2461.

     Their father finally comes home as a result and they have a feast to celebrate. Komolov had been thinking about external opportunities to Adhomai to pay for his debt however, as his job just wasnt cutting it currently even with their father back. With his sister now married to another M'sai he had taken interest into Kaltir law academy. The noble agreed to once again help Komolov but not requiring him to pay at all temporarily, given that he has been reliable and paid half off by now. With the found freedom financially, Komolov gets a small loan of 1000 credits from Idris for tuition fees. It was small enough that he can pay back by the time he leaves, and sets out for Kaltir.

     Komolov had signed on to Nanotrasen through Workday's premium subscription. He had to scrounge up the credits for it but eventually he did prior to going to Kaltir. Within a week of subscribing, he secured an exclusive slot at the Aurora for the year 2463, when someone's contract would expire and they needed a new filler. Komolov was only happy to accept it, for he knew the much better conditions he'd face if he went. He doesnt earn a degree as he only studies there for the one year he had, but he earns valued experience and education enough to matter. The college credits earned from studies would transfer nicely, which works for Komolov as he planned to continue on another time anyways at home or a college out there.

     After he finished getting everything in order, and said goodbye to his family, friends, and community, he heads off to a shuttle at the space port and after one last goodbye departs. He arrives to the odin, checks in, and a week later he begins his job at the NSS Aurora. He just doesn't know what's waiting for him yet.


What do you like about this character?

     The extensive and detailed history I created for this character. I feel that with this character, I can feel like I am not a "husk" and have depth to RP with for everyone else's fun. Additionally, I put a lot of time personally into developing a good story to the best of my ability. The majority of why I made such an extensive history was because I wanted to learn the lore better, so what is a better way than to write essentially a book about it? Komolov is a character I intended to base off of my own personality (i think) so that way I can play them better and more effectively / consistently without having to think too much how they'd act.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?
      I would rate my ability on a scale of 1-10 as a solid 7. I will never claim to be great, and I am not great. I can say I am able to keep a believable character, but there are some aspects of roleplay that leave room for improvement to me. For instance, I am just not suited for antag play, and I need to work on that.

Notes: 
There is a lot more story to be read in the link below, what I have written in the WL is 100% a summary so you don't have to comb through 20 minutes worth of text.
Want to see the full story or just something isnt fully clarrified? Click here! Find something wrong? Leave a suggestion on the document so I may learn or know what you mean! (Google Docs)

Edited September 22, 2021 by AnselmKonrad
Making it slightly easier to read.

[DatSamTho]

Jesus Christ, the length of that backstory can definitely go on some podium. I've roleplayed with Anselm's characters, FROST especially, and I do have to say that they are a solid roleplayed, and would be a great addition to our cat house.

+1 from me

[Susan]

There are a few significant, fatal flaws with the backstory you've presented.

First and foremost, I've not been able to find anything on the wiki that supports persecution of the M'sai in the People's Republic. In your google document sheet, you state that part of the reason for Komolov being anti-Republic is due to ostracization due to his heritage as a M'sai:

Quote

His family did not exactly support the current PRA rule over Kaltir due to pre-disposition against M'sai. Over time, he too developed a disdain going forward into his teenage years.

However, there is no source on the wiki to back this up. The wiki states that the species of Tajara to face persecution in the Republic is the Zhan-Khazan; 

Quote

During this period, several authoritarian measures were enacted by the government, such as the establishment of working camps for subversive elements and the increasing persecution of the Zhan population.

and

Quote

Due to such, Zhan communities are often persecuted by the authorities and have an overall negative image before the eyes of the Republican mass.

Equally, consider that there are high-ranking public officials in the People's Republic who are M'sai. The head spymaster and the individual in charge of the Republic's version of the KGB, the PSIS is one such M'sai: Headmaster Harrrdanim Tyr'adrr. The Chief of the Navy, Samirro Qarrarhaz, is also a M'sai - and they are responsible for the pinnacle of Republic technology, the oversight of the Kosmostrelki and the Orbital Fleet. Even the face of the state news network, Andrey Borisov, is a M'sai. It is very hard to state racial persecution when the man beamed into your living room on your TV every night broadcasting state propaganda looks just like you. For reference, there are no notable Zhan-Khazan in any public-facing part of PRA society.

Consequently, it is unlikely that Komolov would have suffered any serious persecution or racial mistrust, especially in the North, where pockets of pro-nobility sympathizers remained. Thus, with the main motivating factor of his disillusionment with the Republican government invalidated, I am perhaps having a hard time understanding why he would still take an anti-PRA stance. You admit yourself in the summarized backstory that his sister's medical care was only enabled due to the technological advancements seen under the People's Republic. She would not have survived the pre-war nobility's treatment of commoners. And post-secession, when the New Kingdom breaks away, you also state that Komolov's sister is then unable to be treated properly anymore. Surely that would instead spur anti-NKA sentiments?

This brings me to the next part of the backstory that I find problematic. Komolov's father, who would have been 19 when he was born, would be an unlikely candidate in any law enforcement agency in the Kaltir region. By the time Komolov was born, the war had been over for at least six years. The People's Republic, as a fledgling nation, understood that there was still pro-noble sentiment, especially in the North. Law enforcement officers, who are tasked with upholding the pro-Party, anti-Nobility laws would scarcely be made up of nobility sympathizers like Komolov's father. A disloyal police force (who is armed) is a threat to a new government. It would have been expected, I would argue, for the arbiters of government law be proud or at least publicly Hadiist. You do not touch upon this delicate balance at all in your application. Komolov's family could still have been secretly pro-noble, but doing so openly would result in political re-education.

With the PRA responsible for his sister's continued existence despite her debilitating condition and no substance for racial hatred that I can find, I, again, find difficulty in understanding exactly why Komolov is anti-Republic. Given how dangerous anti-Republican sentiment was in the North, and the Republic's historical inspiration, there would have been plenty of youth groups that Komolov would likely have been expected to partake in on penalty of consequences to the family. And at these political youth groups, children would be told to turn in their parents if they showed any anti-Party sentiment. This application to me does not seem to appreciate the significance of the Soviet/Fascist political machines and their impact on the family unit. At no point is it made clear that Komolov's family suffers any retribution for their apparently open pro-noble stance and public disdain for the Republic.

And it goes without saying that if Komolov's father was a noble supporter and was found out, it would be exceedingly difficult for his son, then, to become a law enforcement officer. I find the idea of an 8 year old child studying law and athletics to work as a police officer a strange concept on its face - what child at that age really knows what they want to do as an adult? Komolov, without any significant or official education despite going to a 'center' as you describe it, is admitted as an officer on that merit alone as opposed to any sort of on the job training or cadet school. Additionally, consider that the police force he was part of would suffer internal strife or be part of the attempt to deal with the Northern revolution; it was hardly a clean break. Not everyone in the North was a royalist supporter. It is highly unlikely, then, that a significant portion of law enforcement at the time would assist the New Kingdom - and most conscriptions avoid what are considered 'protected occupations', such as medical staff or police officers.

Everything after this early portion is mediocre. I can find things to nitpick, but the foundation itself is flawed; and really, when I read the line:

Quote

All things considered, he was a dreamboat to a lot of M'sai.

it gave me significant pause. You had the inkling of an interesting backstory here, but instead what I see is an idyllic, unrealistic, and perhaps a little too Mary Sue history for a character who faces absolutely no repercussions for his or his family's conduct. While the populace of the North may have been sympathetic to the nobility, you'll note the wiki unequivocally states that the North was 'occupied' by Republican forces. This includes Party officials and Commissars. There was a route you could have taken to accomplish what you wanted, but you elected not to do it. Instead of shaping your character concept to the lore, it seems to me you had an idea in your head and opted, instead, to try and ramrod the lore to shape around your character, which is expressly not what you want to do. It shows only a surface understanding of Tajara politics and history, as a vehicle for an unrealistic Tajara.

You could have made it so Komolov's father was a secret royalist working in law enforcement to try and undermine Hadiist censorship and persecution of pro-noble forces. He could have been found out and sent to a camp, disgraced - this would have been justification for your family's rejection by their local community. Komolov could have hated the Republic for harassing his family, taking his father away, and denying him his dream of wanting to work in law enforcement. The sins of the father are the sins of the son, etc. Then, when the New Kingdom secedes, political prisoners like his father are released, leading in to the next part of the story. You could have represented the hardship these fascist government policies had on his family. Instead, despite being an overt enemy of the State, Komolov's father works for the State, with no repercussion for views that would have been fatal to the wrong Commissar. Police states and surveillance are the bread and butter of totalitarian regimes.

While you may have written a large backstory, in some cases, less is more. Bigger is not always better. I find this concept flawed on the outset and perhaps borne of communal ignorance of the totalitarian aspects of the People's Republic and an abnormal desire of the Aurora player base to romanticize the New Kingdom to be something that it is not. Your character has managed to avoid most of the suffering, oppression, and political intrigue that the average Tajara is subject to. He has, inexplicably, had a noble with bottomless coffers fund him, pay for his debts, et al - another symptom of the romanticization of the New Kingdom by the player base. The House of Commoners did not even exist at the Kingdom's conception. The nobility has never been completely magnanimous to their peasants. You even say as much in your application. Being a poor commoner himself, he apparently was not conflicted or even interested in his government's desire to ensure that he and his fellow poor people were not represented in parliament. 

Instead, he cries over a King - a King who nearly let civil unrest sweep across the nation then let a commoner sit in Parliament. At no point is Komolov ever conflicted in his views. He never questions them. He never grows. He's painted as a selfless, community-oriented man despite you saying said community hates him for being a M'sai. He's suffered nothing; his father is always miraculously safe from a brutal and bloody war, he's a 'dreamboat', he has a noble friend who pays for everything. And yet he just continues to accrue debt, despite already being in debt, with presumably poor credit if he spent years only being able to afford food. Despite this, he is able to attend one of the most prestigious law academies in the New Kingdom without even a secondary education, evidently.

As I said before, I feel this application is flawed from concept and does not accurately represent the conflicted, often difficult lives of the average Tajara. It romanticizes the New Kingdom too heavily without acknowledging the consequences one would have for being a royalist sympathizer in post-revolution Kaltir, nor does it reflect, in my opinion, a desire to allow a character concept to grow in the confines of the lore. Rather, it seems to me you've tried to force the lore to adapt to accommodate your character, and that is a growing problem amongst Tajaran whitelist holders already.

-1

Edited September 22, 2021 by Susan

[AnselmKonrad]

@Susan Hot DAMN I wasn't expecting such a response. But I respect it! If my whitelist is denied, its denied. I'll correct what I can if it is. But please leave suggestions on the google doc as to what you suggest Instead because of these reasonings. Personally this is... almost an attack with the tone of these words, Sue! Really angry in some parts. I was expecting short and concise points but not really a lecture tearing at some of these really irrelevant points. Some honestly being bias dare I say against NKA players and strictly towards PRA, but thats not a problem. I'll respond all the same! I am frankly still learning the lore a bit.

I honestly thank you for putting some light on my whitelist that I hadnt considered before, because you DO INFACT raise some valid points that I will try to address to the best of my ability. My only quip about your response is... its really lengthy and hard to decipher your actual points and reasonons are. A lot of what you are saying is buried under just too many details, and I thought I had good vocabulary! Not to mention as I said it comes off really angry, but again, I will try to address what I can.

3 hours ago, Susan said:

Equally, consider that there are high-ranking public officials in the People's Republic who are M'sai. The head spymaster and the individual in charge of the Republic's version of the KGB, the PSIS is one such M'sai: Headmaster Harrrdanim Tyr'adrr. The Chief of the Navy, Samirro Qarrarhaz, is also a M'sai - and they are responsible for the pinnacle of Republic technology, the oversight of the Kosmostrelki and the Orbital Fleet. Even the face of the state news network, Andrey Borisov, is a M'sai. It is very hard to state racial persecution when the man beamed into your living room on your TV every night broadcasting state propaganda looks just like you. For reference, there are no notable Zhan-Khazan in any public-facing part of PRA society.

This is understandable! However I was going off of the concept regarding that this is infact the north where the PRA took over the area FROM the previous nobles, murdering plenty of them. The PRA had their reasonings but you cant tell me that in the region where the nobles had M'sai enforcing their ordeals is not going to receive some sort of bias against them in the future, particularly in an area where they were prominently doing so not too too long ago? The M'sai were essentially the noble's death squad. Had this of been anywhere else in the PRA? Probably would have gone with an entirely different story for that stated reasoning alone.

3 hours ago, Susan said:

However, there is no source on the wiki to back this up. The wiki states that the species of Tajara to face persecution in the Republic is the Zhan-Khazan; 

Same reasoning for this as stated previously. Its just only because of where the story is located, outside of this? Honestly this all would be more applicable and my reasonings and story entirely changed.
 

3 hours ago, Susan said:

Consequently, it is unlikely that Komolov would have suffered any serious persecution or racial mistrust, especially in the North, where pockets of pro-nobility sympathizers remained. Thus, with the main motivating factor of his disillusionment with the Republican government invalidated, I am perhaps having a hard time understanding why he would still take an anti-PRA stance. You admit yourself in the summarized backstory that his sister's medical care was only enabled due to the technological advancements seen under the People's Republic. She would not have survived the pre-war nobility's treatment of commoners. And post-secession, when the New Kingdom breaks away, you also state that Komolov's sister is then unable to be treated properly anymore. Surely that would instead spur anti-NKA sentiments?

This as well, actually. Komolov took it more of because of the war and that they are a now smaller nation with much less resources that it would have been understandable for hir sister's condition to deteriorate, it was a driving factor to his efforts to keep her alive. The main reason however was because of lack of funds overall. He would have hated the NKA more if they weren't kind of his only hope of doing anything, especially with his mother pressing more traditionalist ideals into him more akin to royalist ideals? Why would he go against his mother's teachings? Additionally, whilst I stated she was treated less effectively, I did not state that she was not treated at all. Hence why she recovered, but the fact of her limited treatment post successions leaves the open ended pathway of the fact his sister will now die sometime soon as a result of lack of proper treatment midway, a sad end really but its all for the RP.
 

3 hours ago, Susan said:

While you may have written a large backstory, in some cases, less is more. Bigger is not always better. I find this concept flawed on the outset and perhaps borne of communal ignorance of the totalitarian aspects of the People's Republic and an abnormal desire of the Aurora player base to romanticize the New Kingdom to be something that it is not. Your character has managed to avoid most of the suffering, oppression, and political intrigue that the average Tajara is subject to. He has, inexplicably, had a noble with bottomless coffers fund him, pay for his debts, et al - another symptom of the romanticization of the New Kingdom by the player base. The House of Commoners did not even exist at the Kingdom's conception. The nobility has never been completely magnanimous to their peasants. You even say as much in your application. Being a poor commoner himself, he apparently was not conflicted or even interested in his government's desire to ensure that he and his fellow poor people were not represented in parliament. 

You are in fact correct! The romanticization was more so just for depth. Its a story, I treated it like one. However the "Romanticization" was quite literally just for flavour and had little to no actual relevance to the lore or the story itself outside of finding a potential love. If you removed the "love" scenes, the story remains unchanged actually! Quite literally, with tajarans honestly being encouraged to have children in their lives I found it necessary to add something. You cant tell me someone undergoing hardship is not going to find pleasure in what little of life they can? But truthfully, with or without the love again the story remains essentially unphased. 

In regards to the noble with "Bottomless coffers" This is a bit of time into the time of succession, with nobles being able to establish themselves at least a bit, so whilst they may not be all rich they certainly were not poor. Additionally, Komolov pays the noble throughout the entirety of the time, which would have kept the noble's cost for himself down, and the noble would be receiving compensation in the long term. In the noble's eyes for what I was kinda going for? Komolov was seen as a temporary deposit. Any and all money the noble put towards komolov he will receive back, and the primary reasoning of why he has done so was because of Komolov's actions, his help of his affairs during PRA's rule, and additionally taking up service to the state proving he is infact trusthworthy of some sort of help. Nobles come in all forms I have seen at least ICly, I do not recall there being a specifically set way for them to act beyond being well... mature and dignified. Some poor, some rich, some fled from home, others and many still in NKA. 

Lastly, Komolov is part of the constabulary. He works for the state, whilst yes komolov may have had his own opinions and such for or against the government at times ultimately he works for the government. I could add in some personable details that he may have disliked seeing all of the riots and his people somewhat suffering, I saw that it would have changed little other than showing his mind a bit more as, he works for the government; It is not his place in society to stand by and question what his government wishes for him to do. He supports them within reason. However, he did have opinions regarding the section of "Komolov's Harsh Reality" where I had specifically touched the subject of seeing his people in a rough state and he did not like it. But, again, he is a government employee now working for his pay, he cant risk losing his pay for what he is trying to uphold at home.

 

3 hours ago, Susan said:

All things considered, he was a dreamboat to a lot of M'sai.

This, to be frank, was just an exaggeration, and a joke at the same. Perhaps definitely poor taste on my part but truthfully I cant disagree with you regarding the fact this may or may not have been quite unnecessary, but again if this singular detail had been removed or left? It changed Komolov's story and lore not at all. It is just flavour. I apologize you did not enjoy my taste, but this key detail will be removed as a result as we speak.

 

3 hours ago, Susan said:

You could have made it so Komolov's father was a secret royalist working in law enforcement to try and undermine Hadiist censorship and persecution of pro-noble forces. He could have been found out and sent to a camp, disgraced - this would have been justification for your family's rejection by their local community. Komolov could have hated the Republic for harassing his family, taking his father away, and denying him his dream of wanting to work in law enforcement. The sins of the father are the sins of the son, etc. Then, when the New Kingdom secedes, political prisoners like his father are released, leading in to the next part of the story. You could have represented the hardship these fascist government policies had on his family. Instead, despite being an overt enemy of the State, Komolov's father works for the State, with no repercussion for views that would have been fatal to the wrong Commissar. Police states and surveillance are the bread and butter of totalitarian regimes.

But I didnt do much regarding his father because outside of the fact Komolov stayed out of the war itself from his father leaving, his father held not really a lot of part to the story outside of the ocassional detail or flavoring of history. The story is not about his father, it is about Komolov. Not to mention, once more they were not so much rejected as just disliked because, again, the M'sai in the region used to be noble enforcers prior to being taken over by the PRA. However again, this has been some time where the PRA have existed as occupying Kaltir for a bit. PRA ordeals would have certainly flowed over regarding hatred towards nobility, and with the local knowledge regarding how things used to be, would have resulted likely in M'sai being seen as a link to nobility given their history with them. Additionally given the fact of where in ethnicity the nobles are stated as not only being a careful breed partially from M'sai but additionally with the fact that M'sai commonly guarded nobles. To me, I found this as a recipe for my character. But these things arent exactly fully explained well enough to make a fully sound choice. You can argue both ways regarding this one, really.
 

3 hours ago, Susan said:

While you may have written a large backstory, in some cases, less is more. Bigger is not always better. I find this concept flawed on the outset and perhaps borne of communal ignorance of the totalitarian aspects of the People's Republic and an abnormal desire of the Aurora player base to romanticize the New Kingdom to be something that it is not. Your character has managed to avoid most of the suffering, oppression, and political intrigue that the average Tajara is subject to. He has, inexplicably, had a noble with bottomless coffers fund him, pay for his debts, et al - another symptom of the romanticization of the New Kingdom by the player base. The House of Commoners did not even exist at the Kingdom's conception. The nobility has never been completely magnanimous to their peasants. You even say as much in your application. Being a poor commoner himself, he apparently was not conflicted or even interested in his government's desire to ensure that he and his fellow poor people were not represented in parliament. 

Instead, he cries over a King - a King who nearly let civil unrest sweep across the nation then let a commoner sit in Parliament. At no point is Komolov ever conflicted in his views. He never questions them. He never grows. He's painted as a selfless, community-oriented man despite you saying said community hates him for being a M'sai. He's suffered nothing; his father is always miraculously safe from a brutal and bloody war, he's a 'dreamboat', he has a noble friend who pays for everything. And yet he just continues to accrue debt, despite already being in debt, with presumably poor credit if he spent years only being able to afford food. Despite this, he is able to attend one of the most prestigious law academies in the New Kingdom without even a secondary education, evidently.

I frankly cant say too much against me making komolov not having a ton of issues, but, out right theres a few key details here that are wrong you've said. Clearly either missing the details written or misunderstanding.

You mention the fact that Komolov cries over the king, but its stated in the news article from The Royal Telegraph that "Millions lined up in the streets to see the procession." and that "Those who could not take part in it stood by their television or radios." Now, I dont know the exact population of Adhomai, nor the NKA itself. But given how they live, I cannot see millions being purely nobles, sorry. Komolov's crying over the king's death had been justified, a majority of the kingdom was in grieving over it. Not to mention with Komolov working in Kaltir itself, the capital of NKA, I cant see him not having some sort of emotional response along side what is written.

"He's painted as a selfless, community-oriented man despite you saying said community hates him for being a M'sai."
     He wants to prove to the community that they arent all bad. Once NKA came around, these ordeals disappeared, additionally, he was not hated just disliked. Hate is a strong word, if all M'sai were hated in the region I think the lore would be different, but if I have explicitly said "He was hated" I will change this now, as that was not my intention.

"He's suffered nothing; his father is always miraculously safe from a brutal and bloody war"
     He has crippling debt, his sister is going to die soon because of the effects of what happened, and his father is, although not stated to your credit, now a husk of who he once was because of all hes gone through. Additionally, his father was injured during the amphibious assault, but minorly. He worked as military police guarding higher ups which would have kept him out of the majority of fighting. Not all soldiers need to die, even if they are in the front lines.

"he's a 'dreamboat'"
    As I said before, mostly a joke but its just to show that he is still a plausible husband to many, even if the words are quite literally a bit exaggerated. My goal was to have fun with it a bit, but again I can change these details. Sorry for my tantalization a bit here.

"And yet he just continues to accrue debt, despite already being in debt, with presumably poor credit if he spent years only being able to afford food."
     It was an agreement with the noble, but once his father returns his debt is capped with the noble. The noble only supplemented Komolov, who would again constantly and consistently do what he can to pay back the noble what ways he could be it physically or financially. Beyond that point, he only has to pay it. His loan with Idris was small enough (I think) to be reasonably paid off within a year, which was stated. The poor credit detail I had overlooked, because I dont even know or think that Adhomai would have a credit institution that would keep track of this, but I can 100% see your look here regarding that. My potential defence is the fact that with the loan not being astronomical from irdis, they allowed it on good terms.

"Despite this, he is able to attend one of the most prestigious law academies in the New Kingdom without even a secondary education, evidently."
    This part is infact a bit far fetched I agree, if you would rather I left him not going to kaltir I can. I can simply remove it, but to be frank, he did infact receive secondary education. He received education from his mother in what limited capacity she could, and he also then went on to your standardized schooling of the time. This is mentioned with an entire paragraph in the beginning.

3 hours ago, Susan said:

As I said before, I feel this application is flawed from concept and does not accurately represent the conflicted, often difficult lives of the average Tajara. It romanticizes the New Kingdom too heavily without acknowledging the consequences one would have for being a royalist sympathizer in post-revolution Kaltir, nor does it reflect, in my opinion, a desire to allow a character concept to grow in the confines of the lore. Rather, it seems to me you've tried to force the law to adapt to accommodate your character, and that is a growing problem amongst Tajaran whitelist holders already.

I respect your opinion regarding this but, this is a bit harsh to say when the majority of this white list is actually a re-write of the literal history of the NKA with Komolov being sprinkled with major details. I quite literally go History > Reaction / Cause > History > Reaction / Cause > History > Reaction / Cause  If you read it again, its a consistent theme.

With some areas being a bit open ended, this DOES give me room to grow my concept as I learn the lore first hand and how one should act a bit better, and will allow me to go back later and write it accordingly. With myself being a new player regarding tajaran lore, you cant really expect me to know 100% everything of tajara to the miniscule detail. A lot has to be learned through experience and conversation with other players, but I feel I have a good concept. Though I dont know what you mean in regards to "Forcing the law to adapt," My only assumption truthfully is that you're saying that I kinda worked the lore a bit in my favour, which I actually agree with a bit, I have looking back at it worked it a bit in my favour, but thats primarily because I was trying to see if I cant get the concept to work. I have for a majority of it but you are right in the fact that some details are a bit out there here or there. All I ask is help me out regarding such and I will see to it's corrections so the best of my ability. Just dont beat me down over making a mistake.

Have I left Komolov as somewhat of an NPC in terms of depth with reactions? Perhaps.. perhaps.. but when you are trying to write out history so deeply intertwined with historical events without stepping too far out of the lines, its really hard for me to include a ocean level deep mind of a character. Theres room for improvements, I just hope to meet them, but I couldnt personally make a seriously deep minded character with super detailed reactions beyond some basics that are written.

Edited September 22, 2021 by AnselmKonrad
Spelling / Grammar mistakes.

[AnselmKonrad]

I hate double dipping like this, but apparently I missed a large tidbit regarding your response, Susan. Apologies, this is honestly my fault as I was trying to probably a bit too hastily come with a retort.

17 hours ago, Susan said:

it gave me significant pause. You had the inkling of an interesting backstory here, but instead what I see is an idyllic, unrealistic, and perhaps a little too Mary Sue history for a character who faces absolutely no repercussions for his or his family's conduct. While the populace of the North may have been sympathetic to the nobility, you'll note the wiki unequivocally states that the North was 'occupied' by Republican forces. This includes Party officials and Commissars. There was a route you could have taken to accomplish what you wanted, but you elected not to do it. Instead of shaping your character concept to the lore, it seems to me you had an idea in your head and opted, instead, to try and ramrod the lore to shape around your character, which is expressly not what you want to do. It shows only a surface understanding of Tajara politics and history, as a vehicle for an unrealistic Tajara.

You could have made it so Komolov's father was a secret royalist working in law enforcement to try and undermine Hadiist censorship and persecution of pro-noble forces. He could have been found out and sent to a camp, disgraced - this would have been justification for your family's rejection by their local community. Komolov could have hated the Republic for harassing his family, taking his father away, and denying him his dream of wanting to work in law enforcement. The sins of the father are the sins of the son, etc. Then, when the New Kingdom secedes, political prisoners like his father are released, leading in to the next part of the story. You could have represented the hardship these fascist government policies had on his family. Instead, despite being an overt enemy of the State, Komolov's father works for the State, with no repercussion for views that would have been fatal to the wrong Commissar. Police states and surveillance are the bread and butter of totalitarian regimes.

"it gave me significant pause. You had the inkling of an interesting backstory here, but instead what I see is an idyllic, unrealistic, and perhaps a little too Mary Sue history for a character who faces absolutely no repercussions for his or his family's conduct."
     I'll give you credit. Komolov is a tad bit Mary Sue with how I went about his story but that doesnt mean he doesnt have some end resulting problems. In the previous post, his sister is now dying, he is in severe debt from keeping his family afloat during the war, his father is (I wrote it in the original concept of family in the beginning of the document, but not the story. Fixing this today) now a broken man, and despite his education in the kaltir law academy he did not receive a degree and only received the basics of knowledge for living in space. He will not know Tau Ceti Basic very well, he is not well trained in combat, he is not well trained in Tau Ceti law. Despite going to such a prestigious school with only a singular year spent this is minimal time to really learn anything especially as a now slightly aged adult. Adults do not learn as proficiently as a younger mind would. During the story he is a bit "Mary Sue" but in the end, far from it. All of these things make him a perfect security cadet as he gets used to space, learns culture better, and just gets a handle on Aurora in general. I plan on playing off of these key details of his end result to allow for some more interesting exploitables information for antags around Komolov. I'm trying to make a fun character for those around me just as much as I am for myself, within reason.

"You could have made it so Komolov's father was a secret royalist working in law enforcement to try and undermine Hadiist censorship and persecution of pro-noble forces. He could have been found out and sent to a camp, disgraced - this would have been justification for your family's rejection by their local community."
      Bingo! Secretly pro-noble, but even if they were a noble sympathizer they never would have openly showed under the PRA nor was it stated he did or did not. It would have just been a dumb choice and M'sai are known for being more intelligent than that. However, once NKA rolled around my intentions were to flower off of that idea of being pro-noble. Personally I think I did a bad job representing the previous statements but the undertones of the story would have at least somewhat brought that up or represented it. Komolov's father and family in general was not from a lineage of noble enforcers prior to the revolution, which was stated. This is primarily the only reason why I even thought it reasonable making him part of the constabulary. Komolov's father has no connection direct with nobles in history, leaving him somewhat open for the job in the eyes of the PRA. I haven't written a backstory for his father either, unfortunately, but again the story isnt about his father it is about Komolov. I've kinda left perhaps too much room for interpretation here, but today I will look at what I can do to correct this.

    
"While the populace of the North may have been sympathetic to the nobility, you'll note the wiki unequivocally states that the North was 'occupied' by Republican forces. This includes Party officials and Commissars."
"Instead, despite being an overt enemy of the State, Komolov's father works for the State, with no repercussion for views that would have been fatal to the wrong Commissar. Police states and surveillance are the bread and butter of totalitarian regimes."
      Whilst you may be correct regarding that the PRA would try and squash these ordeals and potential counter revolutionaries.. You state it yourself quoting from the wiki that the PRA only occupied the area, and if they were efficient at squashing these operations the NKA wouldn't have formed successfully. Especially when something as large scale as an entire nation flips over against them, in multiple locations, I cant give a lot of credit to whatever PRA operations were going on in the areas. You have to understand the scale of what that would have taken ultimately for an entire nation to suddenly revolt after only a year of "rumours." They would have probably quickly realized a counter revolution was coming the way I saw it. Something has to give here as to say the PRA operated in full capacity as if it was another arm of the PRA nation may be a bit far fetched. I would have considered they'd put more thought and process into oppressing noble sentiments to prevent a full on revolt, but clearly they haven't put a force strong or capable enough to do so properly. In regards to the sudden flip from PRA occupation to NKA revolution, there is little detail admittedly but they very quickly and very successfully got it started. If their force was strong enough to operate the way you've suggested they would have stopped the NKA flatly. With this in mind, I wont say that they wouldn't have controlled the police and related areas, but I don't think they had as strict nor as powerful of a grip on it as stated which may or may not have allowed minor believers of nobles to slip in here or there. Especially if one doesn't openly express it which they did not for my case, but I should have elaborated further on this in the story; which I will do today.

"There was a route you could have taken to accomplish what you wanted, but you elected not to do it. Instead of shaping your character concept to the lore, it seems to me you had an idea in your head and opted, instead, to try and ramrod the lore to shape around your character, which is expressly not what you want to do. It shows only a surface understanding of Tajara politics and history, as a vehicle for an unrealistic Tajara."
     Unfortunately, I disagree with trying to "ramrod the lore to shape around my character" to a severe degree. Whilst there is a slight stretch time to time, I quite blatantly state a summary of lore, and then what happens to komolov as a result. Rinse / repeat to effect. I state that I agree in my previous post but, to say that my entire character is ramrodding the lore to fit to him? Thats a bit wrong, I acknowledge some outlying details but not the entire character. But, I do agree that if this is so, that this is not what I want to do; so I ask for a retort back to what I have said and perhaps we can work towards correcting this.
     In regards to surface understanding, unfortunately this is infact a byproduct of not being a tajaran player; first hand experience of utilizing the lore. You've gotta give me a bit of leeway here as I have seen whitelists with minimal details pass only covering key details of their life to pass. A new player to a race is essentially going to have a surface to barely mid level understanding. The whitelist application format also blatantly only asks for two paragraphs of information. Your expectations here specifically are a bit unreasonably high, even if this is a hyper detailed race.

Would Komolov's father have supported the nobles?
   Sure, he had experienced it before the revolution and would have found it more comfortable, but his father is intended to be somewhat neutral. The life under PRA is overall nicer but to see his home occupied and forcibly taken over? In who's eyes would that sit right. The PRA, or at least the predecessor before they became the PRA , came in and slaughtered nobles just because of their status, Even if the nobles mistreated them, that's brutal! The nobles from the Kingdom of Kaltir even had requests to not be executed and they did it anyways. This is quoted from the wiki as "Despite popular requests for amnesty and peace from the Kingdom, many of the nobility were executed." His father would have seen or at least heard about this and had some sort of resentment, which would have been pushed down to Komolov as a result.

    There's pros and cons here but he deals with the PRA's rule like a good citizen in hopes one day it changes, which on the day of the beginning of succession he happily jumped up for. His primary reasoning for not going more against them prior to this? He has a family and kids now. If it was not for the comforts of life that the PRA offers and this as well? Then its simply for the fact it would just be a dumb move to act without a force behind him, he would have caused trouble for his fledgling family. Theres not much he can do regarding the PRA, it would have been best to roll with it even if he didn't like it.

Would he then go on to publicly express it?
   No, that would just get him killed or beaten probably, especially if he managed to get into law enforcement under the PRA. Or at least socially ousted by those not trying to sympathize with him. Not much else to add here on my part. Outside of this when NKA came around he would have been much more open.

Did they express it at all?
   No, to be frank I haven't stated it in the story which is a fault of my own. I will add this today, because they did not express it at all in the story and I need to correct that. They were traditionally taught but I would think under such conditions of living would have been wise to not flaunt these things around, so they kept such ordeals to house and home. They would have been smarter than to do otherwise. However, true to my word, I will add it later today as I will be busy.

Theres some details pointed out here I can improve apon, and what I have stated I will do so today. However, currently I am busy today so expect some action on my document in perhaps the next 6 or so hours regarding this.

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by AnselmKonrad

[Gr33d]

This personally gets a +1 from me, I've never had a bad experience with any of AnselmKonrads characters. They are great to be around usually and when I first started playing they were a huge help in learning the game and the server. Any issues with their character lore wise I am sure they will be able to fix given time as they are a wonderful RPer.

[gladiatorgames123]

Though I haven't seen their Human Characters to often, I have always been able to interact with their character FROST which has come off to me as quite a well made Cyborg which acts both useful mechanically and great RP wise, oh and also, they said that they needed and excuse to play something other than frost, so here's a +1 from me!

[DekserBecauseILostMyAccoun]

Great backstory, very lengthy responses. I've personally forged great relationships with Frost and enjoy playing whenever Anslem is on the server. +1

[sebkillerDK]

I've known Konrad for a while know, and come to love their cyborg FROST especially, they are great fun to be around and interact with, and generally just a good waffle chap to be around.
I know from talking with them prior to posting this that they put quite a bit of effort into writing this whitelist as well, and fully trust them to be able to play a character that fits within the lore and/or make any alterations to their app needed to make a compelling and compliant character.

+1 from me. Wafflebot becomes tajaran

[Butterrobber202]

To start off, allow me to declare that any applicant that puts in effort is worthy of praise. You have obviously done so. You should be applauded for the effort alone. I don't often comment of race apps, because if I comment, I intend to ask questions, so here we are. As I said before, anyone putting in effort deserves appreciation and usually I don't have concerns.

But, alas, I have concerns.

The first, this app's story, despite it's length is horribly boring. It's basically, X happens Komolov does Y. That's a brutally efficient way to transmit someone's story to me. But I learn their background, not their personality, what emotions they feel. It's not really creative, and you have a head that can be creative. I only mention this because while the race app only asks for a selection of 2 paragraphs, the resounding approval of your RP and capabilities leaves me wanting for more.

The second is one of personal opinion/belief and thus has less weight then any other point, but I'll state it anyway. FROST has always rubbed me the wrong way, for a Synthetic, they seem rather organic to me, in regards to their personality. We had a slew of station-bounds in the past that acted largely like humans and I suppose due to the fallout of that, any synth that reminds me of such immediately triggers a suspicion that lore is being pushed aside. Aside from FROST though, I don't think I've seen any of your characters on-station. So, sadly I can't commented on your non-synth play for better or worse.

I agree with Sue that the story is particularly Gary Sue-y, though not horribly so to the extent I'd feel compelled to take up arms against it. You are a commoner, entrenched in debt to a noble. It makes sense. What doesn't line up completely with me is why your M'sai agrees with the NKA so fully. They would've been exposed to the PRA's teachings during the occupation, and would have the needed information to realize they are being exploited by the noble for gain. Something the PRA was snuffing out. (in exchange for their own rules, but still) To make matters worse, the PRA goes out of their way to "re-educate" the youth, and you stated Komolov attended school under the Republican Occupation, how did Komolov avoid falling victim to this? Did he avoid falling victim to this? Do Republican values secretly hold sway in a hidden corner of his mind? Even if it's just for his sister's sake? There's nothing wrong with giving your heart to the NKA, but Komolov has been exposed to more than the Kingdom and has credible reasons to want something different. Does Komolov not resent the fact most of his natural life will be spent paying back a debt he was forced to take on based on his sister's circumstances?

Additionally, there's nothing wrong with playing a conflicted character either, a schism in their thoughts breeds interesting decisions and struggle, which breeds conflict. And the best RP is always derived from conflict. 

A few times in your responses to Sue, you state that, "It's not his father's story" as reasoning behind not elaborating on him. The issue with that is, if his father is responsible for the ideals Komolov's holds, then they must be elaborated upon. Komolov, to his credit as a viable tajara, holds a lot of stock in his family it seems, so as a part of their story, the points at which they touch Komolov must be said. One of the most critical things about a Tajara, or any character, is what is influencing them (lore, friends, circumstances) and what's going on in their head. Once you're in that mindset, a character unfolds infront of you.

 

Ultimately, I am neutral on your app, I believe course correction is completely possible and even likely. I simply have thoughts preventing me from giving a +1 in good faith.

[AnselmKonrad]

@Butterrobber202Thanks for giving me some constructive feedback, butter! I can work with this actually. I'm trying to correct these issues since they are actually very pertinent and making my app much weaker if left unchecked. Your response is not underappreciated.

12 hours ago, Butterrobber202 said:

The second is one of personal opinion/belief and thus has less weight then any other point, but I'll state it anyway. FROST has always rubbed me the wrong way, for a Synthetic, they seem rather organic to me, in regards to their personality. We had a slew of station-bounds in the past that acted largely like humans and I suppose due to the fallout of that, any synth that reminds me of such immediately triggers a suspicion that lore is being pushed aside. Aside from FROST though, I don't think I've seen any of your characters on-station. So, sadly I can't commented on your non-synth play for better or worse.

     This is act why I am trying to step away from FROST and stop playing stationbounds generally. Primarily with hopes of another race such as this white list. I do not think I can personally handle playing cyborgs the way I do anymore for a while because of these issues let alone the myriad of mechanical and code problems they have and have had for years of me playing here, its actually unhealthy the amount of time I have put into stationbound play I dont want to admit. Not to mention the boundaries I push playing them the way I do recently, whilst I may not stop playing cyborgs entirely; FROST itself is probably going to get shelved for a long time if not permanently until I can somewhat "release" my other RP desires as its been clouding the way I have played FROST for a time. It was slowly turning the way I play stationbounds to be poorer. Particularly, I have admittedly been what would probably be a bit extra social for what a stationbound should or would be, but thats why I am trying to branch elsewhere to release my social nature, FROST's biggest downfall, a bit in hopes to perhaps come back to stationbounds some day with less cravings for roleplay that I otherwise couldn't properly do as a borg.

     My other characters are rarely played, unfortunately, but I wasn't sure if I needed to state them for the fact of just being inclusive. I have only recently started, barely that is, to play them again. I haven't particularly found humans fun anymore as the lore for them whilst comprehensive, vast, and very well spread out, is not interesting to me anymore. A byproduct of 5 years on/off this server and never attempting for a whitelist, for some reason I haven't tried yet. I need to flower who and what I play a lot more here for these reasons alone. Something I hope to do playing my other characters more and hopefully with a whitelist under my belt. I thank you for commenting on this as, I actually very much agree with you here I need to work on this. Thanks again, its a fair stance to have against my app but I acknowledge and am trying to step away from these issues already so I can take a moment and learn from my mistakes.
 

12 hours ago, Butterrobber202 said:

The first, this app's story, despite it's length is horribly boring. It's basically, X happens Komolov does Y. That's a brutally efficient way to transmit someone's story to me. But I learn their background, not their personality, what emotions they feel. It's not really creative, and you have a head that can be creative. I only mention this because while the race app only asks for a selection of 2 paragraphs, the resounding approval of your RP and capabilities leaves me wanting for more.

     This is actually a fault I intended to correct now and as I go on, the story itself is actually quite bland beyond here or there. You've honestly got that right I didn't put much effort towards making Komolov have thoughts or personality, something I intend to sprinkle in actually because whilst I have currently devised a very study platform to build a character's beliefs and personality, I have barely touched the fact of those two things. I wrote it more of a biography than a story in a sense, it doesnt do Komolov enough justice here. You're correct at my failure, this is going to be changed as I work on my app hopefully for the better to represent Komolov's thoughts, I should have perhaps put a few more days into thinking on what, how, and why he would have reacted, I was a bit hasty posting this app it seems prior to finalization.

     I suppose the primary reason I have not done so fully if at all was the fact that the story would probably, knowing myself, be double the length it already is just in details of his mind. I can already tell some people have TL;DR'ed my app's story. I write out way too much to leave something small as just.. small. I cant guarantee any additions or corrections would be finished before this WL is denied or approved, but I can guarantee you that this will see action and be improved as I did plan on it already. My lack of guarantee for finishing in time is for currently in real life I am actually quite busy for a bit of time. I don't like to leave a story unchecked just because it was written and accepted, but I intend to build off of it for sure even following acceptance or denial.

     Thanks again for this highlight! This was very helpful to see where I need to improve. Would I be able to ask you to give me some suggestions perhaps in some key locations to write out his personality a bit, speeding things up for me? Whilst it may be my character and the ideas behind him mine as well, I am open to criticism and happily take suggestions. Perhaps we can talk on discord about it? I would 100% be curious your thoughts on how you think I can improve in more detail here.

 

12 hours ago, Butterrobber202 said:

I agree with Sue that the story is particularly Gary Sue-y, though not horribly so to the extent I'd feel compelled to take up arms against it. You are a commoner, entrenched in debt to a noble. It makes sense. What doesn't line up completely with me is why your M'sai agrees with the NKA so fully. They would've been exposed to the PRA's teachings during the occupation, and would have the needed information to realize they are being exploited by the noble for gain. Something the PRA was snuffing out. (in exchange for their own rules, but still) To make matters worse, the PRA goes out of their way to "re-educate" the youth, and you stated Komolov attended school under the Republican Occupation, how did Komolov avoid falling victim to this? Did he avoid falling victim to this? Do Republican values secretly hold sway in a hidden corner of his mind? Even if it's just for his sister's sake? There's nothing wrong with giving your heart to the NKA, but Komolov has been exposed to more than the Kingdom and has credible reasons to want something different. Does Komolov not resent the fact most of his natural life will be spent paying back a debt he was forced to take on based on his sister's circumstances?

     I have failed to exactly elaborate here in hindsight, all of these questions are very relevant and because of this lack of elaboration on my part this is probably why his story itself is presented as mary sue, at least for the backstory itself. Komolov's lack of thoughts and focus towards what he specifically suffered probably did not help this. 

      'What doesn't line up completely with me is why your M'sai agrees with the NKA so fully. They would've been exposed to the PRA's teachings during the occupation, and would have the needed information to realize they are being exploited by the noble for gain."

     I hadn't of considered this in its entirety, blatantly, my main reasoning currently for the story was that his mother and father whilst he was younger would pushed on him traditionalist and maybe slightly royalist ideals. I know that at least for this group of people it was frowned upon to go against what your parents would have wanted let alone wished. Beyond this? I've left a lot of room for interpretation here, too much maybe in fact. I would have to probably give a response to an idea for how to correct this would be to go on to say that whilst he had the PRA ideals also taught to him, his parents would have taught him otherwise. This would have left a much more interesting character concept had I of just gave him some very conflicting views here, as he certainly would have had some. I would then go on to say that Komolov may have been pro-noble in the end like a majority of NKA citizens, but he was certainly not a fan of absolute royalism due to PRA teachings. I would probably align his desires to the school of thought "Populist Royalism." since he lived in the capital and was of the working class.

I think I will add this as, I like this idea. Thanks for curbing my train of thought here. This is actually a fun concept to play off of that I didnt think of. This makes me kinda excited to see where I can maybe take this in my story!

     "Something the PRA was snuffing out. (in exchange for their own rules, but still) To make matters worse, the PRA goes out of their way to "re-educate" the youth, and you stated Komolov attended school under the Republican Occupation, how did Komolov avoid falling victim to this? Did he avoid falling victim to this? Do Republican values secretly hold sway in a hidden corner of his mind? Even if it's just for his sister's sake? There's nothing wrong with giving your heart to the NKA, but Komolov has been exposed to more than the Kingdom and has credible reasons to want something different.

     Komolov had infact been exposed to more than just the NKA. His father, and lets say his mother as well, would have told him about the Kingdom of Kaltir and the way things used to be. The Kingdom of Kaltir actually had nobility that was restricted and protected their people from extreme abuse. Additionally, they appeased their commoners to avoid uprisings in the first revolution. These positive actions towards their people left the nobility of Kaltir liked by their people and, probably, the reason why it was popular of a request for them to not have been executed despite PRA's action doing it anyways. All of this would have made a compelling argument for Komolov to look towards a pro-nobility stance, even if only minor, and to dislike the PRA for murdering what may have been good nobles. When their parents would have heard that their previous king's son is now their king and initial ruler of the kingdom? I think their family would have rejoiced at the news. This little story alone is probably why his father would have jumped so happily to go to war in place of his son, it would make sense. His father would have wanted revenge, and his son never got the chance to learn what it was like nor would he have a real reason to fight compared his father. Komolov would probably even rejoice since now he will have a real life example of what "good nobility" would be. Though, I cant speak of to what degree he would celebrate if he was to be taught by the PRA.

     To counter argument what I have just said, however. Komolov would have received some teachings that go against what Komolov's parents would have said. Leaving him a conflicted mind but ultimately probably a very neutral mind since he has time to accrue arguments for and against both, realizing that there really is no right answer to a governing style. To what degree this extends I cannot say for I did not specify how long he was in school for particularly, but lets just say a few solid years of education for now. He would have received prior knowledge from his parents leaving him mayhaps biased towards nobility initially, and these teachings would have kept prominent throughout his schooling, but this would have left him very conflicted even if his parents taught him what they did. But, komolov when he went to school has lived for a few years now he would be able to comprehend his situation, knowing not to express the pro-noble ideals. Being taught PRA ordeals as well would help him a lot regarding keeping this secret since he could just easily switch from one mind-set to another. This actually would have helped him out a lot in keeping his mouth shut since he can more accurately stick within the boundaries of the watch of PRA. But, I think I can add some elements here specifically to convey the fact he had to remain quiet as I had very quickly gone through his time under the PRA's rule unlike the rest of the story.

     During his time in NKA however, I would like to state he starts to lean much more towards the NKA instead of the PRA. During the story has faced positive action from nobility. Despite the help from the noble he may infact be deeply in debt from, the noble did not try to screw over Komolov regarding this. The noble instead opted for a "What's fair is fair" approach, asking only back whatever komolov was given due to all of the things Komolov has done in the noble's eyes to be deemed worthy of it. This approach would have left Komolov very appreciative of his situation and towards other nobility. Overall, whilst the situation of NKA may have been rough, the people would have understood, Komolov as well, that they are fighting for a way of life. Things will be rough, life will be rough, and that it was up to each citizen to work together for the common goal. The unity for such a cause, particularly in the capital, would have gave Komolov a proper sense of pride for the kingdom alongside all of his other dedications. His status as an officer would go alongside this as well, but mind you his choice of being an officer was purely to follow in his father's footsteps rather than a pro-nobility choice. He did not wish to "break the mold" with that one. He loved his father and respected him too much to do that to him.

"Does Komolov not resent the fact most of his natural life will be spent paying back a debt he was forced to take on based on his sister's circumstances?"

     In regards to his sister, I would consider since he would have done it for a majority of his life he would have found it just a part of life. Since family is very important its a goal regardless. However, I can surely see some sort of regret in the end for the fact that he has had to work so very hard to keep her alive. Like, perhaps some sort of sigh of relief he no longer has to be the primary caretaker of her. I didn't touch this very much, however, in the story I did go on to state he cried over the fact of hearing his sister may die while hes gone. The reason why (outside of.. being family) is that all of his efforts were not wasted, obviously she lived longer, but will be lost when she does. He couldn't get the treatment to her as often as needed for a time and because of that he would see it as his own fault his sister is going to die regardless of how much effort he put to prevent it. Additionally, he probably wouldn't have even paid the noble off by the time of her death fully either, just to haunt him and remind him of why he has that debt.

     So that, although not driven home on the story as much as I would wished, would be a driving factor to perhaps why he is so quiet alongside everything else when he gets to Aurora. Komolov too is semi broken like his father from this. I do go on to state he socializes temporarily on the Odin, but mostly as a means to convey he is not truly alone, but for Komolov he feels entirely isolated now in space. He cant just freely keep in contact with his family and friends anymore and he fears when his sister's end truly rolls around that he likely wont get the chance to come back to say goodbye. I'll drive this whole story into my story some way since I think this is actually something interesting. Nobody wouldnt be sad over this, nor would this not weigh heavy on him at all. Its quite a huge burden.

12 hours ago, Butterrobber202 said:

A few times in your responses to Sue, you state that, "It's not his father's story" as reasoning behind not elaborating on him. The issue with that is, if his father is responsible for the ideals Komolov's holds, then they must be elaborated upon. Komolov, to his credit as a viable tajara, holds a lot of stock in his family it seems, so as a part of their story, the points at which they touch Komolov must be said. One of the most critical things about a Tajara, or any character, is what is influencing them (lore, friends, circumstances) and what's going on in their head. Once you're in that mindset, a character unfolds infront of you.

     Contrary to what I had said in previous posts about how I wished not to elaborate on Komolov's father, I agree and even had some time to think on it and changed my mind regarding this. I've even gone on to state that his parents held a significant force to his beliefs but how? I stated nothing, and that needs to be elaborated on since that more accurately sets the scene for Komolov's reasonings, personality, and maybe how he ultimately would have thought on from that point. Whilst I may not have to go into exhorbant detail on what his father did after, I do need to explain why his father did the things he did in the beginning why he thinks the way he thinks, and why he makes certain choices, and how he suffers under the PRA. I've left a lot to desire here, hopefully I can fix this. Thanks again for the highlight here, this is as much as I thought otherwise very important of something for me to complete.

Particularly, I need to add his way of life prior to the PRA and how he saw his kingdom destroyed. How he delt with the PRA under their oppression, and why he fought for the NKA so willingly. I've touched this in my other points in my post, but I am going to focus on these points when I get back writing on the story.

For his mother? Theres some room to be asked for here too but she is nowhere near as important to the story as his father would otherwise have been, I'll see where I can add her in a bit more as well considering this.

Your criticism helps out a lot! It gave me a lot of points to think on that some of my friends had missed, I will add it all to my issue tracker so I don't forget. What I have stated in this document so far is my thoughts to correct these issues and how I am thinking of going about it. What are your thoughts regarding these? Anything I have missed or perhaps overlooked?

Edited September 25, 2021 by AnselmKonrad
Skipped a point regarding his sister. Added it in.

[Alberyk]

I will handle this application soon. Might take a bit more than expected because there is a lot of stuff to read.

[Alberyk]

Sorry for the delay. Now I must make clear that I only read what is in the forums. I don't really have the time atm to read the expanded version of the character story.

First of all, I don't only consider someone's application, but the quality of their roleplay and behavior in server. And this is something that is kinda against you. Frost is not what I would consider a good cyborg by roleplay standards. Outside of the moderation actions, which include a temporary ban, I have seen some questionable roleplay as a synth. Mostly with being too much of friends with certain crewmembers, indulging in some questionable "clique" behavior, and trying to engage in cultural activities that don't really make much sense for a cyborg. This is a big factor for me here.

The application backstory has some issues that other people pointed out. I don't think there is anything I can point out without repeating what is already written here. The backstory that is in the original post is lacking in motivations, thoughts, and how the character sees typical adhomian issues and the other factions. Ultimately, a lot of stuff happens to him and the character does not do much on his own.

On 22/09/2021 at 16:29, AnselmKonrad said:

You are in fact correct! The romanticization was more so just for depth. Its a story, I treated it like one. However the "Romanticization" was quite literally just for flavour and had little to no actual relevance to the lore or the story itself outside of finding a potential love. If you removed the "love" scenes, the story remains unchanged actually! Quite literally, with tajarans honestly being encouraged to have children in their lives I found it necessary to add something. You cant tell me someone undergoing hardship is not going to find pleasure in what little of life they can? But truthfully, with or without the love again the story remains essentially unphased. 

This is probably one of the biggest issues I saw with your replies. Romanticization here does not mean anything related to romance or love. It means: to think about or describe something as being better or more attractive or interesting than it really is. I believe this can be an issue to certain players due to how underdeveloped the New Kingdom was compared to the other faction in relation to having its own problems and wrongdoings. Out of all adhomian factions, the New Kingdom is the most reactionary culturally since they still believe that the caste system is a natural part of the Tajara people that can't be defeated. Some players ignored this and went too fast in having their characters become detached with beliefs and prejudice that should not have been quickly overcame. This is somewhing I am actively working to stop. The goal of the tajaran factions is not to have a good or bad one, but to have them all be grey.

The two biggest issues that would prevent me from accepting this application are the flaws in the backstory and your record as a player. If both of these elements were not present together, I would attemp to work towards fixing the backstory issues or giving you the benefit of doubt despite your record. But this is not the case. I have decided to deny this application for now. You can reapply in around one month or so.