Jump to content

[Denied]Angery_Cats Tajara submission

Recommended Posts

BYOND Key:angerycat

Character Names:Ned Wolfe

Species you are applying to play:Tajara

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt):

Dark Gray (RGB 30, 30, 30)

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?:Yes, twice.

Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race:

Mostly because they're history and lore is well thought out,

So is theyre language and even the revolution experience Tajaran might have.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:

You mostly talk in a third person perspective about yourself.

You do need to take naps to make sure you are working at maximum.

You are way more resistant to the cold, not to the heat.

You see better in the dark than humans.

Character Name:Narson Al'mas

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs.

Being born in the Al'mas tribe, which is a small tribe of cave dwellers, made him like the dark.

But he was young and played games with them. Mostly hide and seek type games as they were the only ones who spared his head, atleast he got a stronger head.

Though as he grew they're resources weren't. Finding less animals too hunt in the caves and you wouldn't find wood in a cave, there was only one choice. Leave they're cave.

Just as the tribe leaves the cave, they all become almost blind because of they're first sight with the sun, well atleast for Narson. He never was outside his cave. Only saw the light outside it while playing when he was younger.

Alot of them used they're resources around the cave untill well...They got drained, then they needed to move. Narson wasn't excited, not at all.

Al'mas tribes sleep routine was getting smaller and smaller, making many of them tired and almost unable to work, not even the elder Tajaran who barely get any sleep. Narson was becoming more amazed by the sight of the new world, his location skills were getting better and fast, even became the tribes navigator.

They're luck ended when they found a group of bandits, took all they're resources and barely found Narson, the games really did come to use...And strong head. Not everyone was lucky enough to not get taken or find a good place to hide.

But day after day after...Day...After...Day they did find another tribe, which was willing to exchange resources and some small talk, aswell as locations, Narson had to remember the locations well as being a navigator means location knowing, but one got the whole tribe heading to a random direction, that the tribe said was.

The People's Republic of Adhomai. The Narson tajaran had to navigate as much as he could too even have a chance of finding it and surviving, either the cold or the lack of resources could kill the Al'mas tribe in an instant, so everything was worth a try.

Something shined in the far and they saw they're new home. Narson was amazed by the sight and instantly ran into it and everyone let them in with open arms.

Narson was lucky enough to get an education in the nano trasen schools and got the most smallest chance of getting hired by nanotrasen. Though he did need to go to a hospital to treat his malnutrition, as he did get low amount of food as a way to ration it.

He did get hired by even the lowest chances possible, and all of his skills had to come to use. Every one of them, even the hard head one, navigation, vision in the dark and of course his abiliy to hide and hunt in the darkness.

What do you like about this character?

His hard past and low chances of surviving shaping him.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?

Quite good.

Notes:Yes 2 weeks playtime, yes this is a rework with more detail of character.

Edited by Guest
Link to comment

This is great,well it is better than before,which was good enough

It woouuld help if you identify what you are problably going to like about the character such as,par example, his difficult past and how his desperate survival shaped him or something like that

I 'unno

Link to comment

This is great,well it is better than before,which was good enough

It woouuld help if you identify what you are problably going to like about the character such as,par example, his difficult past and how his desperate survival shaped him or something like that

I 'unno


Eh, why not. I cant think of one myself without blowing my head open.

Link to comment

Well first off you might want to edit your post there, your [/b]'s seem to have slipped off.

Second, while the idea of a cave dwelling Tajara tribe discovering society after living in a cave for countless years sound extremely appealing as a story with an interesting character it's a bad idea for a whitelist.

Whitelist are here to show lore overseers that you understand the species and their culture, by creating a tribe of cave dwelling primitive Tajara you've essentially completely isolated them from the exact culture Mofo and others before him were trying to enforce with there being a single mention of an actual political party and the mention being completely out of context? It kinda looks like you put The People's Republic of Adhomai there just because it was a requirement.

Plus you have so many questions that there are simply no answers to besides "Just because it happened that way" like

What were these other tribes? Tajara are technologically advanced, they live in villages like normal people.

Did nobody experience something as a culture or technological shock? These are what I assume cave dwelling primitives and they somehow had no issue adapting to the technological level?

Where did they get houses? Why was he accepted into school. Why would NanoTrasen hire him instead of actually technologically skilled Tajara?

To add insult to injury your application is very poorly worded to the point where I actually cannot read certain parts of it.

Seriously, sit down, read the wiki, read the other accepted Tajara applications, get inspired and write, it might take more than a month but quality > quantity.

So far -1

Link to comment

I believe this was touched on with your previous application, but Mofo our Tajara Lore slave dev did speak about having a 'Cave Dwelling Tajara', its an interesting concept, but not a good choice for whitelist applications.

Really, I think you should take a week or two to write out and think about designing a new application character. I can't really add anything else to this -1, because most of what should be said has already been said.

Just a quick tip, things the Lore devs love is,

  • Mention events in lore
  • Mention how said events effect your character
  • Especially in Whitelist applications, make a normal character, an every day 'insert x race here', because it shows you understand the lore
  • Use proper grammar, try getting some help from us Staff, or even your fellow playerbase, we don't bite too much.
  • Play some more, get your characters known.


Overall, i'm going to have to give this another -1.

Link to comment

You've done a better job of fleshing out your character and giving us more insight to his story. The narration from the first perspective also adds a quality artistic flair which gives us a good feeling for who the character is and how he thinks. So, you're definitely responsive to constructive feedback. I'm not going to judge based on grammar so long as its legible, and it is, so don't worry there. However, I have to echo the sentiments of the others. While its a refreshing application for not shoving the war down everyone's throats, it still has its downsides. Namely, the whole primitive from a cave dweller emerging into the sunlight for the first time in adulthood and then eventually becoming a space station worker. By virtue of being a disconnected primitive all their life, Narson Al'mas doesn't really have any ties to contemporary events on Adhomai or even any of its history. And there's more questions to be raised. Such as, if this cave-dwelling tribe has been separated from the surrounding Tajaran culture which has been civilized and settled for thousands of years, do they even speak the same language? How would they communicate with other Tajara upon being found, let alone going on to learn Tau Ceti Basic. The cultural alienation is also... something that needs to be brought up. This is equivalent to trying to integrate a literal caveman into modern society, but even worse because its trying to integrate a caveman into a space-faring galactic society. Would Narson Al'mas be able to even cope? It's also worth noting the immense anthropological implications. I'm sure they would be a subject of interest to study for some Adhomai-based educational center or another.

At any rate, its creative, but I don't feel that it conveys understanding of the lore. You have a bulleted list of the differences in mechanics, but I don't really feel a proper understanding of the race and its themes. Application denied, but again, I think you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Link to comment
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Create New...