I don't enjoy playing this game anymore

[Frances]

Good. Now that we've got the overdramatic, attention-grabby title out of the way, onto the actual issue.

Being a mod is hard. I say mod, because there's really no difference between mods and admins in the most essential aspect - we're all here for the same reason. And I'm certain some of you can share the sentiment - if you've ever modded for a SS13 server, after some time, it gets really easy to forget about the game. You start to care less and less for who you're playing, because between all the ahelps about conflicts, disputes, bugs and griefers, there's work to be done.

Modding is a hobby. Obviously, people who do it do so because they like it - we're not getting paid, after all. And some of it is rewarding. You get to kick back, relax with other mods, while looking over the server and helping people with their issues. And there tends to be a lot more angry people than grateful ones (But don't worry, they're just the most vocal ones!), though you get the satisfaction of making the angry ones disappear with a button - when they're fuckups, anyway.

It's sort of a different game - one with a lot less roleplaying and a lot more drama - kinda like working in a call center or a complaints desk, but with a lot more interesting and wacky situations. At least, the angry customers here shout about Hitler and Jihads, not about their toaster that's not working; and you can always swat them away when you've had enough (actually, that's even what you're here for.)

It is a neat experience, but it takes over the game. And sure, you can turn off the voices for a bit, but even when you deadmin yourself, you're left with the nagging thought that you're letting all your buddies down, and while you know all they want is for you to go out and enjoy yourself through some roleplay, you start to worry that maybe you'd really be better off helping them, that what if they don't have enough staff to cover all the players, that maybe it's your duty to go and be a mod rather than play. And don't think of enjoying yourself ever again - you already know who the antagonists are, because you need to look over them. You don't immerse yourself in RP anymore, because you start looking at others' characters instead of your own, wondering if they're being proper, wondering what could be breaking the rule and what's showing a future risk for it. And all your plans of being surprised or meeting something unexpected (along with the anticipation that comes from dealing with the unknown) get slowly crushed as you become more and more aware of the inner workings of not only the game, but the community behind it (which once seemed so organic and limitless).

End of the line is, I've been wanting to play a new character for over a month, but have never made it as far as even meeting anyone else in the game. Every time I play, I see an issue, or run into a problem myself, that I find I want to solve more than I want to play. Because I tell myself if I don't solve it, nobody will. And maybe it's a personal problem - between staff and external conflicts, staff overhauls, whitelists, a complete map rework and trying to consult and help on the lore where I can, I've been spreading my efforts so thin and wide that I don't even have enough time to moderate the actual server. Which isn't good.

But I don't think I'm alone. It's a constant I've observed; players who join the staff tend to play less and less. There used to be a time that I'd sign on when I woke up, and play round after round for a solid 8, 10 consecutive hours as the same character before I had to go anywhere (summer will do that). Now, I'm running from meeting to meeting instead, with server obligations slowly piling up behind me. And playing the game itself isn't fun anymore; I feel like a mother looking after her children, and thus unable to lose herself in playtime anymore. It's a bit like growing up. Finding out that Christmas isn't fun anymore. And part of you wishes you could go back, but part of you doesn't, because you find yourself looking at the new interests you've found, the new hobbies you have, and wonder: "Was it really better before? Or am I better off now?"

I decided I'd try to bring some of this to light, because I know it's a sentiment shared among many of us, but it doesn't really get talked about, as a whole. And it's one of the few discussions I think are really worth having as a community.

I feel like I've done my job - but sometimes I feel upset that I can't do more.

What about you?

[Valkrae]

This.

I really, really enjoy playing this game, and being apart of this community. I really enjoy being a moderator, and helping everyone solve their issues. But, I don't enjoy actually roleplaying my characters. I end up, as you said, looking to see if they're doing something wrong, or knowing what their character will do.

There's no mystery in it for me anymore. I want to play fun, and exciting characters, but I know how everyone will react to them now.

I love this community, for the short time I've been apart of it, and I feel like I've been made apart of the big family that I saw when I first joined. I love being on the forums, getting on the server and teamspeak and just talking to all of you. Every single one of you is an amazing person, who has made me laugh my butt off more than once.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but this post just struck something within me.

[Gollee]

Yup, I would probably say this is why I don't play that much anymore, I spend far too long looking at the Who list thinking, "You, you're a griefer, aren't you?"

However being away for a peroid of time is reducing that instinct.

[Rusty Shackleford]

I may not play the game as often as I used to, but I generally enjoy it when I do. My problem lies in that I feel a bit... distanced from the community in general now, whatwith all the new people who I've never heard of before or met ingame or via OOC means. When I was a mod, I didn't have that problem, since at any time I could jump over and discreetly observe them, get a feel for how they roleplay, how they act in OOC and LOOC, etc. And I felt like I knew everyone better for it. And it worked too because my characters tend to end up in their respective cubby holes doing whatever little busy work they're expected to do. Now that I'm no longer a mod, I don't have this feeling of being connected like I did when I had all those flags, and simply sit in the cubby hole. Doing the busy work.

[Skull132]

Eh, my perspective on playing the game has certainly changed, but I do enjoy it still.

But all of this gets tiring. I no longer partake in events, nuke rounds, heist rounds -- basically any round with a higher stress factor. I actually, actively look for ways to avoid conflict, something that is counted as a requirement for storytelling to exist. And should I end up in a high stress situation, I havr a habit of using knowledge to gain myself a comfortable position, if not an advantage in a situation. Is this against the rules? Not exactly. Is this a display of horrid form? Yes, definitely yes.

Another oddity can be described with the phrase of, "Embrace the suck." It gets morphed into a pseudo-metagame for me, one with no victory condition. It's kind of fun to be presented with a conflict I know I'm going to have to solve, a verbal engagement I know I'm going to have to conduct, and trying to figure out how it'll go.

It's tiring, but, I don't mind. I knew this would happen, and I have reasons to continue. I just hope that people like Rusty, JD, Nursie and whoever else don't mind.

 

---

---

Also, a random bit of advice, if it proves necessary. I never found myself having success with characters that had predefined ideas behind them.

Just throwing a name attached to a job, title and a few mannerisms into the chaos of the station has been a relatively good way for me to get reengaged. The character develops on their own, on-station.

[Farcry11]

This is why I decided to not take another go at applying for/being a mod.

The sense of helping people is satisfactory, and the little privileges and powers are nice. But the game lost a lot of it's mystery for me. No longer was I a potential and unwitting victim, because I knew the round type and who the antags were. At any time I could leave my body and pop over to where the action was happening (usually because it was part of the job). After a while, I realized that I had ceased to be an actual player, and I was more of an outsider looking in. That was one of the major reasons I ended up leaving for so long- a feeling of all the challenge, all the fun being sucked out of the game. And I don't think anyone, especially myself, would begrudge you for feeling how you do.

But beyond that, I feel we have enough staff now that some of you can deadmin and come play, let off some steam when you need to. All is not lost.

[VikingPingvin]

When i found this game i was amazed by how deep the mechanics were and how an awesome community was built around it.

I gradually made my way up the staff "ranks" so the change in style was not that hard. When i am on i like...never play anymore, because:

1) most of the time i am alt-tabbed doing work, constantly checking back for a few mins of course,

2) next to university i have no 2-3 hours to "waste".

Also i don't find this a problem, i do enjoy it a lot, helping palyers where i can, observing situation have great chats with the staff team, so it is fine. It has ups and downs yes, but for me, i found more joy in modding than actually playing.

Also i can annoy Tishina and Doomberg with metallurgy.

 

Oh....and i can learn the dark past of how Skull was banned...muhehe

[Witt]

I know exactly how you all feel, having a half dozen logs and channels to listen to, make RP hard, when you throw in the griefer who just welderbombed cargo because pun pun ate his chicken sandwich ((and yes that was an actual excuse)) I occasionally need a break.

Now, I'm not saying I want to leave, I love it here, between bugging pump and threatening you lot with another quad singulo, my modmanship has been awesome.

All I ask is that you lot reading this be patient with us, we aren't omnipotent; we are sleep deprived humans ((except skull, Im not sure he is human)), so please don't get upset if we miss a message or two.

[Baka]

I think this game is like crack. We swear off it, but we just keep coming back to it for a hit.

[hivefleetchicken]

That made me tear up. Honestly.

I knew I never wanted to be a mod because I knew I would feel this sort of thing in some way, but to hear someone actually say it from their perspective really makes an impact on me. I hope my participation in this community hasn't made it godawful for some of you staff to operate, but if I do, I can understand how I might.

I really hope it all works out for you, Frances, as well as all the other staff dudes and dudettes out there. So good luck, and keep pulling through; none of us-at least I don't-feel actually mad at you, and I can certainly understand that you're all human. I think you're all great great guys, and I'm really thankful of what you all have put together in a little over a year.

Cheers, to all of you staff fellows, and on the other side of this server's history, I hope you'll all still be here.

[Valkrae]

Hive, You've made me laugh so many times.

And I plan on sticking around for a loooong time.

[Guest]

Funnily enough, I'm actually in a situation where me playing this game could ruin a really integral part of my real life.

I try my hardest to swear it off and try to keep what's important in my frame of mind.

But you people are too freaking awesome not to play with. I'd have to say this is the best gaming community I've ever participated in.

Too bad I might not last long here.

Cheers, nonetheless, and may the NSS Aurora community last another hundred years.

[hivefleetchicken]

And I plan on sticking around for a loooong time.

 

No wonder why Frances doesn't enjoy playing this game anymore.

[Chaznoodles]

Funnily enough, I'm actually in a situation where me playing this game could ruin a really integral part of my real life.

 

Man, real life before 2D spessmens!

Personally, I don't participate in rounds any more because I prefer to sit back and be a watchful eye. Dealing with players and troublemakers, for me, is so much more rewarding and satisfying than sitting in the bar for half an hour while nobody talks to me.

[Valkrae]

And I plan on sticking around for a loooong time.

 

No wonder why Frances doesn't enjoy playing this game anymore.

 

oh. i cri.

[Jennalele]

Personally, I've done mod and admin work for different RP games and servers for... Going on 7 years now. Sometimes I recognize that feeling- There's days where I really just can't take the antag rounds in-game due to the conflict, or feel hyper-vigilant over grief watch and the like. But in another way, I'm used to it. I've found out how to balance the two to a degree. I still enjoy the game, and I want to come back to regular playing so badly once I get internet set up at the new place.

You guys are like a crazy family, really, and I too plan on staying around for quite a while. Whether it's listening to Pump and Skull on teamspeak, pissing ourselves laughing during an event setup mishap, or watching Experiment Kek eat the Psi agents and a singularity, I have too many good memories of you guys to leave now. It's all worth it, like the above have said. Thanks, Aurora. Each and every one of you are awesome.

[Valkrae]

Personally, I've done mod and admin work for different RP games and servers for... Going on 7 years now. Sometimes I recognize that feeling- There's days where I really just can't take the antag rounds in-game due to the conflict, or feel hyper-vigilant over grief watch and the like. But in another way, I'm used to it. I've found out how to balance the two to a degree. I still enjoy the game, and I want to come back to regular playing so badly once I get internet set up at the new place.

You guys are like a crazy family, really, and I too plan on staying around for quite a while. Whether it's listening to Pump and Skull on teamspeak, pissing ourselves laughing during an event setup mishap, or watching Experiment Kek eat the Psi agents and a singularity, I have too many good memories of you guys to leave now. It's all worth it, like the above have said. Thanks, Aurora. Each and every one of you are awesome.

 

I still survived Kek. I am the best psi agent.

But, I've done the same as Jenna, and with Jenna on multiple occasions. It's a bit different for this game, as I haven't spent most of my time on it as I would once have. Also, Jenna. Brotherhood 4 lyfe.

[Frances]

I'm glad to see a lot of different opinions on this thread - it makes me hope that this isn't a one-way road, and some people have been able to embrace modly duties while still having fun with the game.

It can still be an alienating experience, and I'm painfully aware of that. Skull has been at it for longer than me and seems to be doing fine - though I'm wondering how much of his success is due to being active during deadhour, and thus not having to deal with the brunt of the evening community. But I suppose we're all working with the same people.

It's not a job. It's still volunteering. Something fun, I guess. I like doing a good bit of problem-solving. And art, being able to dev for the map, things like that, have honestly been a solace - moderating itself isn't very encouraging, because no matter how many bad players you ban or discipline, you feel like you end up accomplishing nothing - others will always rise up to take their place, and older, more respected members will always leave. It's a constant struggle to even keep things the way they are now. So I suppose that's why I'm so proactive, always pushing for change and improvement - because otherwise I'd have given up a long time ago. I don't like things to remain stationary.

But I think I always expected something more? I've tried making friends, never really succeeded. Even dated someone on here - we didn't get along, for other reasons - but I wouldn't do it again. It feels a bit odd to have the highest postcount on here, a postcount that's twice as high as basically anyone else's, yet never really interact with the community, because all I do is applications and complaints and requests, along with the occasional critique.

I know I'm free to go and hang out with you guys, after all that's done.

But I don't really have the time to do that, afterwards. It takes up all my time. Takes up all my energy.

[Lessick]

I feel this, completely. To a degree it's why I haven't even been on the server at all lately; on top of being swamped with schoolwork/rl and not having the consecutive hours to spare, I feel like I can't engage at the level I'd like to. And when I do try to play, and play as my characters-- because that's what I do miss-- I feel guilty for not being as active as moderation staff as I'd like to. So either way I lose; if I can even find time to spend, I'm wasting it, either by not playing, or by not moderating. It's not a feeling I like, really, and I regret that I can't volunteer the hours I'd like to.

And as for pushing away friends, or being pushed away by friends, I also understand that feeling too. Getting invested in other people's characters has always been what makes me get invested in their players; if I can't play, or can't play in an immersed way, I have a hard time connecting.

I dunno if there's a solution, other than maybe, mandatory admin vacations or the like for active modmin staff, more delegation/dividing of tasks & who's responsible for them. It wouldn't change much for me, but more active staff, maybe. But actually enacting something like that is the hard part.

[LetzShake]

[baleeted]

Edited November 9, 2015 by Guest

[Rusty Shackleford]

Honestly, being a modmin was pretty great for me. I loved the constant stream of information from all channels, being able to stop grief before it started, permabanning people joining as assistants named BALLS MCGEE. The game actually lost something for me after I had a few lapses in judgement and got downgraded.

[Skull132]

Skull has been at it for longer than me and seems to be doing fine - though I'm wondering how much of his success is due to being active during deadhour, and thus not having to deal with the brunt of the evening community. But I suppose we're all working with the same people.

 

It hasn't been like that all the time, though. At around spring, early summer I underwent a relatively hard crash, and felt a disconnect between myself and the community (also made the decision to abandon my 3 year commitment to an, arguably, tighter knit group on ArmA for this around that time). I could not figure out the people we had onboard anymore, despite some of them having been there from the start. It was unpleasant, and demoralizing to a degree. And to add, I had run out of things to do IC, so I stopped playing, basically. But I managed to adjust myself; from what I remember, I started playing Talon in engineering, from where evolved a nice, small story thread, and things moved on from there.

The unfortunate fact is that everyone is an individual, and thus the means on fixing things like this are tailored individually (what worked for me might not work for you, what didn't work for me might work for you -- that kinda thing).

 

But I think I always expected something more? I've tried making friends, never really succeeded. Even dated someone on here - we didn't get along, for other reasons - but I wouldn't do it again. It feels a bit odd to have the highest postcount on here, a postcount that's twice as high as basically anyone else's, yet never really interact with the community, because all I do is applications and complaints and requests, along with the occasional critique.

 

As odd as it seems, making friends from within the community as a member of staff can be intimidating (or at least is, for me). On a personal note, I was lucky, and had a small group I became a part of during my days on Apollo. And they migrated over to Aurora, and are now mostly active on TS. Speaking of, as much as you may dislike the idea of using TS, it is a good way to just talk with people (as much as OOC serves for communication, I find that the amount of noise present there is not conducive to actual, meaningful communication). Despite the occasional sinning that takes place there.

Ultimately, it is impossible to be familiar or even connected with the entire community, beyond the simple premise of, "We all play this game, on this one server." In my mind. Perhaps I'm wrong, dunno.