Geeves' Tajara Whitelist Application

[geeves]

BYOND Key: Geeves

Character Names: Geoff Lufvio, Harvey Isemann, Last Hope Of The Void, Touch Of The Light, Trust In Everlasting Hope, Grayson Mintfill, Skrawl

Species you are applying to play: Tajara

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Dark Gray

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes

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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race: Whilst lumbering around as my Dionae characters, I always ended up in conversations with Tajaran characters. During these conversations I was always pleasantly surprised by the cheeriness these characters had, as well as the rich backstory they would draw on to speak to me about. Aside from the lore, I really like how do they look, being much more customizable than the races I'm used to.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human: The rich lore the Tajarans have to draw from would make it rather fun and easy to role-play this species. Simply the fact that Tajarans roll their R's, speak in second-person and have a generally different outlook on life (depending on who you've made!), adds to the differences in roleplay.

 

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Character Name: Rruffiak Yeshraktar

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs:

Rruffiak was born into a Zhan-Khazan family on the outskirts of a more modernized Tajaran city. Here he grew up and received an above-average education, funded by his father's engineering business. Taking after his father, Rruffiak showed interest in engineering and mechanical applications from a young age, building massive roadworks in mud as a child, makeshift weaponry out of wood in his teens, and a small-scale version of his family home in his late teens.

Noticing Rruffiak's interest in the field, his father enrolled him into an advanced engineering course, where he was on-par or even greater than his fellow students. His interest was in construction, but electronics and other high-tech appliances enraptured him aswell. Almost partying as hard as he studied, he impressed one of the professors with his unorthodoxical way of handling problems, applying a different knowledge skillset in ways that solved problems effectively. This professor remarked that he'd do well away from Adhomai, but Rruffiak didn't yet heed his advice.

Shortly after graduating, Rruffiak joined his father's engineering business, sketching up rough drafts of new mechanical devices, as well as assisting in the construction of many a nobleman's vehicles. He continued a cycle of work, entertainment at a local bar and sleep for a decade, which was finally broken when President Rhagrrhuzau was assassinated, sparking tensions between the nobility and the Zhans.

Some time after this event, Rruffiak noticed weaponry being shipped out of the secondary factory en masse. After enquiring about it he was shocked to find out that his father's company has been forcibly taken, profits being sent to the government and factories being used to mass produce weaponry. Soon after finding out about this, he decided he could no longer be a part of this system of cogs, producing weaponry to annihilate his kin, he had passed by a Nanotrasen recruitment bureau several times but for once, he considered applying. To his shock his application was accepted that he'd be working onboard their latest research station at a lower pay. To get enough money for his family, get away from the weapon factory, and get to live his dream career without guilt, he took the job.

What do you like about this character?: Rather than give up and sulk about his situation, he decided to follow his dreams and become a true engineer and overcome, to a certain level, the oppression of the government that held him.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?: A solid 7/10.

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Notes: This is the first time I've really taken an in-depth look at the Tajaran lore and mannerisms. There is bound to be logical, lore or even grammar errors. I wrote this while mildly sleep deprived, which lorewriters told me was a good way to write in <3. But seriously, if there's any problems, feel free to hit me up on discord [GG#4318] or post critical feedback here. I'll attempt to fix it as soon as possible.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Guest

[Itanimulli]

Gasp, Touch! Mars's player here. Hope you go through! +1 from me, rp is always great.

[Bygonehero]

I've always enjoyed my in round interactions with your characters and it's refreshing to see a tajaran story that avoids their civil war.

[Coalf]

Geeves I enjoy you, a few dionea I actually talked to about things outside of game mechanics.

Your OOC attitude is always nice, fresh and always ready to try something new.

But this application, I mean really? This is like getting toast from Paul Bocuse.

It's basic, mellow and a bit strange, here I'll try to highlight what I think is wrong or iffy, in my opinion™.

 

Rruffiak was born into a Zhan-Khazan family on the outskirts of a more modernized Tajaran city. Here he grew up and received an above-average education, funded by his father's engineering business.

 

I'd like you to be more specific, WHICH city? While we don't need to know every village, nook and cranny, something major like a city is important. You have to remember Adhomai is a battleground so it one of the big cities in the backlines or on the frontlines, it can lead to interesting plotlites when specific cities are being described in lore.

And again, WHICH "engineering work"? Was his father an owner? How big was it? You say outskirts of a modernized city so it couldn't be that big since business tends to grow at the heart of cities due to the commune.

 

Taking after his father, Rruffiak showed interest in engineering and mechanical applications from a young age, building massive roadworks in mud as a child, makeshift weaponry out of wood in his teens, and a small-scale version of his family home in his late teens.

 

Okay, first part understandable. Building roads in mud, cute. Makeshift weaponry out of wood. Wood swords and stuff understandable.

Small-scale version of his family home?

Like a tree-house? Did he build like a model? This is a bit confusing.

 

Shortly after graduating, Rruffiak joined his father's engineering business, sketching up rough drafts of new mechanical devices, as well as assisting in the construction of many a nobleman's vehicles. He continued a cycle of work, entertainment at a local bar and sleep for a decade, which was finally broken when President Rhagrrhuzau was assassinated, sparking tensions between the nobility and the Zhans.

 

Here you skip a large part and this is honestly a mistake, college is one of the most memorable times of ones life honestly.

Also what is his father making? Now he builds vechicles for noblemen? Or does he build mechanical devices? Industrialization doesn't work like this, you can't make cars and at the same time be making "mechanical devices".

What did your character even graduate in? These are things you could specify a bit so we can understand your character, but I like the car involvement, it gives the character flesh and interests outside of just his job

 

Some time after this event, Rruffiak noticed weaponry being shipped out of the secondary factory en masse.

Woah an entire second factory? How rich is his father? You make it sound like no big deal but TWO factories? That's actually very rich.

 

To his shock his application was accepted that he'd be working onboard their latest research station at a lower pay.

Was he shocked he was accepted or was he shocked he'd be making less money? Also if he worked in his factory he wasn't really "making" money, he was just circulating money in his family really.

 

To get enough money for his family, get away from the weapon factory, and get to live his dream career without guilt, he took the job.

"Get enough money," mate your dad has two entire factories (Well one after the second one was seized) I don't think he struggles to fill plates. Or is there another family? Is he married off-station?

I enjoy the fact you didn't go the ,"poor zhan boi from farm family dindu nuffin", miner.

I enjoy the fact your character has some spirit and meat behind it, listing even some hobbies, instead of him being a "Give me application please, I'll make someone completely different two days later".

I did enjoy how you talked about business and the state, but I disliked how little thought you put into it.

Overall I think it has potential but currently you'd need to grab about 500 Zhan workers, equip them with sandpaper and let them work for a few days in order to properly smoothe it out.

Once you fix (or explain why you don't need to fix) these problems, I'll have no issue in supporting you whole heartedly.

[geeves]

I'd like you to be more specific, WHICH city? While we don't need to know every village, nook and cranny, something major like a city is important. You have to remember Adhomai is a battleground so it one of the big cities in the backlines or on the frontlines, it can lead to interesting plotlites when specific cities are being described in lore.

And again, WHICH "engineering work"? Was his father an owner? How big was it? You say outskirts of a modernized city so it couldn't be that big since business tends to grow at the heart of cities due to the commune.

 

I don't exactly know which cities the Tajarans have, and neither do I feel completely feel comfortable pulling one out of the ether, which is why I kept it kinda vague. I was intending for it to be a no-name semi-modernized city far from the combat. Which is why Rruffiak and his father wasn't just immediately drafted.

Now here's just a straight up plot hole that I intend to fix in a wee bit. I was writing without thinking and just threw "Engineering" out there. I intend for it to be a generic construction/handy-man/you-ask-it-we-build-it kinda place. Again, I was sleep deprived and it will be addressed, rest assured!

 

Okay, first part understandable. Building roads in mud, cute. Makeshift weaponry out of wood. Wood swords and stuff understandable.

Small-scale version of his family home?

Like a tree-house? Did he build like a model? This is a bit confusing.

 

Never stay awake and write, guys. As usual, I was in a bit of a trance whilst writing. I meant it was like a doll house kind of thing. A early manifestation of his 3D visualization ability and general building know-how.

 

Here you skip a large part and this is honestly a mistake, college is one of the most memorable times of ones life honestly.

Also what is his father making? Now he builds vechicles for noblemen? Or does he build mechanical devices? Industrialization doesn't work like this, you can't make cars and at the same time be making "mechanical devices".

What did your character even graduate in? These are things you could specify a bit so we can understand your character, but I like the car involvement, it gives the character flesh and interests outside of just his job

 

I suppose you're right, but in terms of a whitelist application, I don't believe having a character that I intend to expand on ingame needs to have their entire lives laid bare. While it could make sense in a character story or a lore application, this piece is just to show that I have a grasp on Tajarans, their lore and how to RP them without absolutely tarnishing the species. ~~sorry dionae!~~

As I mentioned before, they're general construction dudes. Handy-men. With a large workshop and access to a variety of supplied/hired equipment, this wasn't made clear in the piece itself and will be added (thanks for bringing to my attention!).

As I'm at a pretty young and tender age, I'm not exactly sure WHAT you can even graduate in, so I just threw Engineering in there. I'll make an effort to do some research and flesh 'em out in that department!

 

Was he shocked he was accepted or was he shocked he'd be making less money? Also if he worked in his factory he wasn't really "making" money, he was just circulating money in his family really.

 

Dangit, you got me there! Shocked was a pretty strong word to use (but hey, gotta give your story some feel, eh? ). I meant that he was more, for a lack of better word, extremely pleased that he ended up getting the job.

 

"Get enough money," mate your dad has two entire factories (Well one after the second one was seized) I don't think he struggles to fill plates. Or is there another family? Is he married off-station?

 

Well, I had some real life experience with something similar. My dad had two companies but was in a no way rich, the one basically supported the other. When one had a set-back, the other was the crutch until both were up and running. I imagine Rruffiak's father was in a similar situation, having the crutch kicked out from beneath him. Thus Rruffiak getting the job was effectively the new crutch, supporting the family and the remaining factory. [Damn my sleep deprived rambling, honestly. I'll have to refine the heck out of it.]

 

500 Zhan workers

 

Get me coffee and a free afternoon, Boss. It'll look more polished than Faysal's golden throne room.

 

[Coalf]

I'm not going to quote the whole thing, so

1: Understanda:b:le, although the map has plenty of giant cities on it and honestly if you pull one out of your ass nobody is going to mind since it's only a name. Besides a loreperson can use it later.

2: My issue with college is you show us Young, Teens, Late Teens and then you go "Okay he's good now."

I'm not looking for a lifestory, but it would be nice if you mentioned "He excelled in X and Y and thus had recommendation to NT, but at this time he didn't want to join"

3:Rest is okay, glad you responded and didn't just keel over and fix everything I commanded.

+1 so far

[geeves]

Added a paragraph based on Coalf's suggestions, thank you <3.

[tbear13]

Huge +1 here. Pretty good application, and geeves is a great player with great characters.

[Mofo1995]

I'm reviewing this tonight

[Mofo1995]

BYOND Key: Geeves

Character Names: Geoff Lufvio, Harvey Isemann, Last Hope Of The Void, Touch Of The Light, Trust In Everlasting Hope, Grayson Mintfill, Skrawl

Species you are applying to play: Tajara

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Dark Gray

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yes

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Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race: Whilst lumbering around as my Dionae characters, I always ended up in conversations with Tajaran characters. During these conversations I was always pleasantly surprised by the cheeriness these characters had, as well as the rich backstory they would draw on to speak to me about. Aside from the lore, I really like how do they look, being much more customizable than the races I'm used to.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human: The rich lore the Tajarans have to draw from would make it rather fun and easy to role-play this species. Simply the fact that Tajarans roll their R's, speak in second-person and have a generally different outlook on life (depending on who you've made!), adds to the differences in roleplay.

 

---

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Character Name: Rruffiak Yeshraktar

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs:

Rruffiak was born into a Zhan-Khazan family on the outskirts of a more modernized Tajaran city. Here he grew up and received an above-average education, funded by his father's engineering business. Taking after his father, Rruffiak showed interest in engineering and mechanical applications from a young age, building massive roadworks in mud as a child, makeshift weaponry out of wood in his teens, and a small-scale version of his family home in his late teens.

Noticing Rruffiak's interest in the field, his father enrolled him into an advanced engineering course, where he was on-par or even greater than his fellow students. His interest was in construction, but electronics and other high-tech appliances enraptured him aswell. Almost partying as hard as he studied, he impressed one of the professors with his unorthodoxical way of handling problems, applying a different knowledge skillset in ways that solved problems effectively. This professor remarked that he'd do well away from Adhomai, but Rruffiak didn't yet heed his advice.

Shortly after graduating, Rruffiak joined his father's engineering business, sketching up rough drafts of new mechanical devices, as well as assisting in the construction of many a nobleman's vehicles. He continued a cycle of work, entertainment at a local bar and sleep for a decade, which was finally broken when President Rhagrrhuzau was assassinated, sparking tensions between the nobility and the Zhans.

Some time after this event, Rruffiak noticed weaponry being shipped out of the secondary factory en masse. After enquiring about it he was shocked to find out that his father's company has been forcibly taken, profits being sent to the government and factories being used to mass produce weaponry. Soon after finding out about this, he decided he could no longer be a part of this system of cogs, producing weaponry to annihilate his kin, he had passed by a Nanotrasen recruitment bureau several times but for once, he considered applying. To his shock his application was accepted that he'd be working onboard their latest research station at a lower pay. To get enough money for his family, get away from the weapon factory, and get to live his dream career without guilt, he took the job.

What do you like about this character?: Rather than give up and sulk about his situation, he decided to follow his dreams and become a true engineer and overcome, to a certain level, the oppression of the government that held him.

How would you rate your role-playing ability?: A solid 7/10.

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Notes: This is the first time I've really taken an in-depth look at the Tajaran lore and mannerisms. There is bound to be logical, lore or even grammar errors. I wrote this while mildly sleep deprived, which lorewriters told me was a good way to write in <3. But seriously, if there's any problems, feel free to hit me up on discord [GG#4318] or post critical feedback here. I'll attempt to fix it as soon as possible.

 

It's alllllllllllll right. Nothing terribly fantastic. I feel like the criticisms brought up by Coalf were only really addressed on a surface level. The money issue was addressed, but seeing that you didn't know Tajaran cities was kind of disheartening, since the lore (mostly articles) is pretty thoroughly laced with discussion on various cities, and on the main Tajara lore page there's even a map with all the major cities on Adhomai. Applicants being responsible for knowing the content of the Tajara page (though the other pages are all fluff and not required). Another thing which I find disconcerting is that there doesn't appear to be an understanding of the current situation on Adhomai. There's a reference to the assassination of a major political figure and an accurate representation of seizing property, but you keep talking about nobility. You understand there's a war going on, but you don't seem to understand the circumstances. How old is your character exactly?

[geeves]

He was born in 2434, which makes him 26, I believe it fits with the timeframe, events and his studies.

I do admit, I overlooked the map when I went through the wiki page on the Tajarans, even after multiple scans, that's on me.

I'm pretty bad at writing the kind of conflict you need to display the civil war going on in this sort of story form, as my IC personas have a much quicker, shorter "delivery" style, which I try to replicate in my applications.

I believe I'd be able to carry the lore through my character though, in the style of folklore and studied history, as well as personal thoughts on the conflict ravaging Adhomai, citing the oppression his family faced.

[Mofo1995]

There's kind of a fatal flaw in your application which leads me to believe you don't understand the current geopolitical situation, the causes of the current war, and its background. It's fine that you haven't written yet another war drama, but I'm going to give you about three days and some time to reflect and really try to dig up the glaring issue.

[geeves]

Alright, I'm way crunched on time. Test series will be going on for a week or two. I think it'd be best if we deny this application and keep the feedback on this one in mind for my next one.

Naturally I'll either rewrite Rruffiak or make a new one. [leaning towards new].

Before this is archived though, I would like to thank everyone that gave me feedback on this one, appreciate y'all. <3

EDIT/PS: I'm going to talk to some peeps about Tajarans to see what I'm missing, so don't worry, next one will be better to the times eight.

[Mofo1995]

All righty, I'll be here.