Melodramatic Overly Long Soppy Bullshit Rambling

[Mogelix]

I've been permabanned for a while. While I still pop by time to time in the discord community(ies), I've felt pretty bad about all this as of recently. I'm not going to be that guy that says 'bro this permaban has sent me into a depressive state and im going to kms' but being out of this community is quite disgruntling considering how much I enjoy/used to enjoy it. Take everything you read here with a grain of salt and try to read through the really edgy wording and self deprecation to get some meaning. (I am writing this at 2 AM AEST.)

I feel a bit 'trapped inside myself'. I feel, or maybe I've realized, that I naturally grate against this community for some unseen reason. No matter what I do I will fuck up, and a permaban is assured, so what's even the point of going for a unban when all I will do is enjoy myself briefly then crash and plunge deeper into the hole of being expelled from the community. I do intend well for this community, I'm confident that I have never done something malicious against this community outside of idiotic short term spite or not knowing any betterand, I seem capable of improving. Atleast my fuckups aren't blurting out "lol im the worst ninja in OOC". Although, maybe it would be better if I did that time to time instead of blowing up in a community regulars face. When will I be mature/learnt enough to avoid doing this again? I don't know.

I want to make this more then a plea for attention but in my current state, no matter how honest I try to be, anything I do is just that. I can't pretend to be seperated from this community and that my actions, experiences and characters aren't fading from peoples memory, probably quicker then I want them to. I never really was that memorable, I guess, and this whole rant assumes people actually give a fuck about me or my negligible 'contributions' to this community as a short tempered idiot playing on a weird timezone.

Going back to something earlier, while I don't believe myself malicious, I do acknowledge my past dishonesties, but believe they're usually as a result of being dishonest to myself. See when I promised I would disable OOC and LOOC. As someone who plays a character who simultaneously is impossible to understand for people who aren't experienced communicating with him and trains the inexperienced. And as someone who plays on slow dead hours, I would die of boredom sitting through rounds doing fuck all except the occassional 'so, what you up to' in common. All of these promises did nothing but damage me as they blew up in my face.

I really don't want to openly justify myself, but I will inevitably as this progresses. What I did was stupid and wrong, but I want you to understand me, and understand that I try to understand myself.

This whole permaban can be chocked up to a early warn/note regarding my aggressive flaming of a antagonist player in OOC at the end of the round.

1: It was a vamp round. A dyed hair mute miner was vamp and it was pretty late round, shuttle was literally leaving. We did some vamp chase things, dominated to infight a bit but I was still going strong. I had a incredibly powerful melee weapon and was staring eye to eye at the vamp. I stood for a extended period of time and attempted to get some form of roleplay out of the vamp. The vamp, being mute, didn't speak, nor shew any real roleplay otherwise, while I am literally standing around in a position where I could easily do something that could cause major damage/kill this vamp. All of a sudden in this stand off, the vamp dominates me and tells me to lie on the ground for a bit... uh okay? The vamp then proceeds to succ me to near death, leading to me having to ghost. I felt this this really condescending asshole attitude in LOOC and IC. The dominate message said I was playing the hero, which really rubbed off on me because it seemed to come of as a OOC derision of my choice to pursue this vampire, and not just a IC insult. Then, while I was being succed, they said some variation of a 'sorry im a lover not a fighter' with a annoying emoticon face i.e :3, which I took as another slap in the face ontop of this already anti-climactic and underhanded move. I don't believe I raged back at them in LOOC, but I sure as hell exploded in dsay. I was told to shut up in dsay, and I obliged. When the shuttle left, I exploded in OOC at the player. Isn't that interesting? I'm not impulsive enough to immediately start typing hateful comments in LOOC at someone whos ticked me off, or break the learnt 'no IC OOC' stuff. But I am aggressive enough that I'll stick to certain channels to avoid breaking some rules while what I say breaks the rules. I got warned and told to cut the shit.

2: Fast forward some time. I've been helping out and supporting a new player OOCly, having some good interactions ICly. I won't name them because if you've read this far you atleast have some sympathy for me and are willing to believe me without me literally posting logs for everything I say. They metacomm and tell me their being murdered and that there's no sec on to stop them. I tell them not to metacomm then hop onto the server and observe mode to see whats up. I see what looks like a murder. I turn on antaghud (it was voted extended.), the person killing the new player isn't a antag. I bitch to them in LOOC to cut it out and do some pointless arguing before I realize the murder was actually a IC practical joke which involved minimal risk (from a OOC perspective atleast, in my opinion it was totally retarded and incredibly risky realistically). Having shitted up LOOC for this practical joker in a strange defense of this new player who was in 'no real danger' mechanically, I saw skull jokingly cite this in dchat as a reason to remove LOOC for ghosts. I already started regretting the incident but voiced that I had 'absolutely no regrets' in a tone I hoped comedically insistent enough to show that I was really starting to regret this interaction. Not in a ahelp, I left. Skull banned me as this month showed this behaviour recurrent. I don't really know what to pull out of this since it's just so stupid. Maybe this just goes to show that I am stupid.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I really don't understand the meaning of permanent ban. Maybe skull really intends for me to just leave given my problematic behaviours and attitudes. I don't know. I regret sending out those melodramatic messages of doom and gloom to various members I got along well with, 'well, im permanently banned, take care i'll be gone for a year' because just like the OOC/LOOC restrictions I know I can't keep up with them. I want to return but I know it'll be even worse for me if I do. Am I overblowing this? Am I underestimating or misunderstanding what skull meant? Should I even bother with this community anymore, since I might never really be a part of it proper?

If you're going to respond, which I sincerely hope you do, what can I do, what should I do, etc, or just discuss all this soppy bullshit ive just posted. I don't know. I'm confused and tired.

I haven't found a way to make this a TL:DR, so right now this rant is less of a nice sandwich and more of a sloppy joe. This was a whole lot of my chest and yet it probably all means so little.

Major edited addition: I know I sound a bit like this servers creepy rejected stalker but again, I care this much about this community because I like it so much compared to so many others. It's fine escapism and plain out fun.

Edited September 20, 2019 by Mogelix

[Skull132]

Go fucking read this: https://forum.ss13.co/showthread.php?tid=5175&pid=60279#pid60279

Popecrunch's thought experiment should be mandatory reading to anyone who thinks threads like this are ever a fucking good idea.

[Mogelix]

38 minutes ago, Skull132 said:

Go fucking read this: https://forum.ss13.co/showthread.php?tid=5175&pid=60279#pid60279

Popecrunch's thought experiment should be mandatory reading to anyone who thinks threads like this are ever a fucking good idea.

Well, fuck me for being honest and wanting to get a bit of feedback, perspective and or resolution to my presence on this community. There's more polite ways to make this input without shitting on me. I don't want to play a victim in this already kind of pathetic pity party I'm hosting but that is really uncalled for and bullying, man. If you want to tell me to fuck off but I have not yet told you to do the same and are just being honest, trying to attempt to unwravel my web of dishonesties and ironies I've spun myself into, get some resolution, dont fire back with a fuck off, escalating this. I don't want to make a unban, or a staff complaint because I know I shouldn't. I'm just trying to discuss my ban and reach some understanding and resolution, without attention whoring too hard.

I literally included a section: Should I fuck off for real. I'm going to assume thats a yes on that front from you, skull. It's pretty sad to see you act so rude to me completely unprovoked. Everything here has been specially designed to not point fingers, not make you seem like a big bad banning admin. I'm just flustered and looking for answers. And yet you seem more intent on showing how edgy you are, instead of respectfully responding and stating your opinion or judgement. I'm just taking a shot in the dark and your putting a artillery barrage on me in response.

I seriously have no clue what has provoked you so much. If I was to judge from this alone, you come off like a huge bully, which I know you're not, man.

Edited September 20, 2019 by Mogelix

[Scheveningen]

"Completely unprovoked"? I don't think you really understand the gravity of the situation. Nobody earns a permaban for mistakes. Permabanned people eat permabans for personal failures in conduct and general refusals to improve or integrate with the community on a basis of good faith. Failure is defined as refusing to correct mistakes, by the way.

Regarding situation #1. You were the asshole in that situation. You raged for getting killed in a video game. That's a gamer moment right there.

Regarding situation #2. You were the asshole in that situation. You raged at someone in LOOC because of game events that were happening to another player you knew. Yet another gamer moment right there.

Here's some advice. After reading my reply, here's what you should do. Log out of this forum account (correct, don't even reply further, I assure you that isn't good for you), go try another RP server under a different ckey. Behave better on that ckey for a month or so, with the objective of not winding yourself up over things and not repeating the same pitfalls that you fell into recently with this community. If you manage to not create issues on another server, get someone to rep you for a ban appeal when you come back here after the month's run out. 

Best thing you can do in this situation if you care at all about this community and want to come back. You need to prove you care in such a way that is not destructive or ruthless towards other people just wanting to play a video game without the awful attitudes.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

People are gunna be mean to you here. 

 

Pour your heart out to friends not to these uhhhhhhh

Unsympathetic crowds

[Mogelix]

7 hours ago, Scheveningen said:

Here's some advice. After reading my reply, here's what you should do. Log out of this forum account (correct, don't even reply further, I assure you that isn't good for you), go try another RP server under a different ckey. Behave better on that ckey for a month or so, with the objective of not winding yourself up over things and not repeating the same pitfalls that you fell into recently with this community. If you manage to not create issues on another server, get someone to rep you for a ban appeal when you come back here after the month's run out. 

Best thing you can do in this situation if you care at all about this community and want to come back. You need to prove you care in such a way that is not destructive or ruthless towards other people just wanting to play a video game without the awful attitudes.

I'm going to disregard the don't reply further point to thank you for being honest in a way that doesn't seem rude. I'm not saying the permaban is unprovoked, I think Skull's response seemed so to me because there are a million ways to reply to this thread and say exactly what he meant while stopping a bit further away from 'fuck off go away'.

10 hours ago, Mogelix said:

What I did was stupid and wrong

Keep this in mind. I'm not making a staff complaint or a unban appeal. I'm just saying what happened. I respect your opinion Schev, it just comes off different for some reason and I still try to justify it internally (it being the reasoning behind the ban/warning). I'm going to shut up now since a few peoples honest meaningful opinion is all I think I really need. Skull thinks I really need to fuck off. That's cool, I'll read and take his opinion/judgement into account. But when I'm being honest and open to feedback, he can say that opinion in a way that isn't just basically 'fuck off'. I know I'm shifting myself really far into the victim role but I still insist that was unprovoked of Skull. I'm not looking for some confirmation that 'le community wants me back!!111!1!'. I'm just asking what people think of me. All I ask in addition is that if and when they shit on me they do it without being rude, as is common courtesy. Goodbye, if anyone wants to say anything, I'll read. If nobody wants to continue this, that's also fine. But either way, I'm not replying further to this. If I get forumbanned for being honest and upfront (while not being rude) and then getting rudely shat on, well whatever.

[Resilynn]

You forgot to mention the time I was talking with doc in LOOC and made the comment “security are cavemen”, which you were in LOOC earshot of.  You hadn’t even been the offending caveman at the time, and you responded by calling me a bitch and a cunt several times in LOOC, then in ooc, and then receiving a ban, you took to discord to continue calling me a bitch. 

I didn’t touch you in game. We had almost never interacted before, I didn’t know you, you definitely did not know me, and you called me a cunt multiple times for making an offhand comment about a cadet whipping out a stun baton. 

Yes, you apologized. And yes, I ignored your apology because you went on to treat other people exactly as poorly. 

You made the choices that lead to your bans repeatedly. You did the same thing over and over again. You apologized before the perma, too, and then made the same choices. 

It fucking sucks when you make shitty decisions and you’re held accountable. I know, I’ve been there. But no one owes you an apology for it, and the fact that your original post here seems tinged with self pity deeply concerns me. I am personally scared of men who do this cycle of abuse, apology, sweetheart phase, and more abuse. That is what you have been doing to people in this community, whether you choose to see it or not.

I suggest taking accountability and moving on. Feeling really bad you kept doing something incredibly shitty does not mean you didn’t do something shitty. 

[KingOfThePing]

I have never interacted much with you but I don't think I ever read a single sentence in looc, coming from you that was not an insult. I don't know you as a person, so I can only judge you by your outbursts you have and had out of character. I also don't want to accuse you of meaning everything you say 100% seriously and want everyone to truly fuck off. It's just, if a game (or the players) makes you this angry, honestly, don't play it. I had a game like that before, too. The only solution is to stop playing it.

[zyymurgy]

When I saw this post, I remembered back to the fun rounds we used to have together, and dropped you a line.

We chatted, it was cool, until you saw something about me you didn't like. You then proceeded to call names and make accusations. You manufactured an argument about something I like which you do not. You brought up an incorrect and harmful rumor about someone that I am cool with on another website, and then when I explained how the rumor is false and provided the evidence for it, you "skimmed" it and gave a "yeah whatever okay" response. You kept making a pretty specific serious accusation.

I told you a couple times that behavior was what got you removed from this server. You continued the argument even after I gave some pretty good reasons to stop such as a lack of your personal experience with the subject matter, and the fact that you were being rude to me.

The content of the discussion was NSFW and I tried to make it pretttttyyy clear that I was uncomfortable discussing that kind of thing with a literal 13 year old child, but the accusations and name calling continued and the subject didn't get dropped until I finally said "I don't feel safe because of this" and had to block you.

You contacted someone I didn't even know to ask me to unblock you.

You are way, way, way too young for this server, dude.

Do not unban this guy.

Edited September 21, 2019 by zyymurgy

[Alberyk]

I feel that nothing of productive will come from this topic, sorry.