NebulaFlare Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 BYOND Key: NebulaFlare Character Names:Okay, here we go. Lori Alvarez, Rose Watson, Kyyih'ry'avii (aka Karima) Mo'Taki, DragonSnap, Demitri Rota, Tavaku Mo'Taki, Aji'Rah Laikov, Serenity Systems (AI), Ricochet, Echo (medical), Echo (security), Valary Field, Hawk Silverstone, Missy.....I think that's everyone. Species you are applying to play: Unathi What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt): Either sandstone brown or green. I still haven't decided...but most likely sandstone brown. Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yep. Twice. Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question Why do you wish to play this specific race:Originally, I did not like Unathi - at all. I'm a feminist (A legit one, thank you kindly) and Unathi culture just made me cringe. It was so very anti-female and anti-equality. I never would even consider making an Unathi app to play this race. But I got curious about the lore one day, and read up on it to get a better understanding. That's when I got inspired to make Mazaka. I presented an app for her, but it got denied, so I went and reworked her story and I am presenting it again. Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human: Ooooh...anti-equality, for one, especially among genders. Unathi live by a very strict code of honor, which is not only a part of their culture, but a way of life. They have a government based on a feudal system, instead of a democratic. They dislike change, at least sudden change, and while they tolerate it, they want to keep close ties to their more traditional way of life. It's a part of their identity. Character Name: Mazaka Sslinaekiir Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs You know I'm writing more than two paragraphs: In a small town in Ouerean, several miles away from the city, lives Mazaka Sslinaekiir. She has a fiery stubborn spirit, garnered from living under the roof of two volatile brothers, Jo’xhio and Kalas. Her father We’rhaka, had recently lost his wife to a tragic disease. This left Mazaka as the only female of the house, responsible for raising her younger brother, Lo’xik, and handling the matters of the house while her older brothers and father handled the family business. Mazaka’s family were weaponsmiths. While they specialized in more of the traditional weapons, like swords and spears, those would usually be boxed up and sent back to the cities to be sold as souvenirs for humans and Skrells. It distressed her father that such fine craftsmanship would be wasted in a trinket shop, likely never be used in combat, but he needed to support his family. They did make more practical weapons though, refitting human weapons for Unathi use, buying and selling whatever firearm managed to trickle into the town and supplying the town’s own little patrol guards. While they had basic commodities in the town – like running water and electricity – it was still a fair distance from civilization. Such commodities were not always reliable and would make life difficult – but not impossible. The elders had long ago decided to take the risk of moving the remaining clan farther from the cities, in an attempt to escape the overpopulation of refugees being unceremoniously dumped there. That, and they wished to recapture some semblance of their traditional life. A life where they could focus on the true values of the Unathi, without the distractions of modern-day luxury. While life did not have such luxuries, it was manageable. Mazaka liked it better. It gave her an excuse to better herself, learn a craft (glass art), assist her family, and be a little more self-reliant. She would always be enamored by the tales of Shizarsa Ksi'ka, stories her mother and father had told her when she was young. But now she had matured into a young lady, at a proper age for marriage. This is her story. Mazaka flicked out her tongue, sampling the salty dry air. She smiled. It was a beautiful day today. She hopped down the small incline, toward the pier. Her two brothers, Jo’xhio and Kalas, were standing knee deep in the muddy river, spears in hand. Jo’xhio was the larger of the two, and even if he and Kalas were of the same clutch, he was the more commanding of the two. Kalas was the quiet one, his eyes always observing and calculating. They would stand perfectly still, spears poised, aimed down at the river. With a quick, precise thrust, the spears would lunge down, piercing the surface of the milky river. They reeled it back in, with a squirming fish skewered on the spear. “Oi!” Mazaka called out to them. “What’s taking them so long!?” Bracelets made of carved bones and wooden beads dangled from her wrist. Her slippers kicked up dust as she hopped down the hill. She chuffed, reaching down and grabbing a nearby cooler full of fish, hefting it up to her shoulder with ease. “This is hardly full!” Jo’xhio grinned, curling his claws around the silvery creature dangling from the edge of his spear, yanking it out and tossing it into a nearby basket. “Fish are fast today,” he answered. Kalas smiled. “Need help carrying that?” he asked Mazaka as she hopped into the water to scoop up their second cooler. Mazaka scoffed, playfully kicking her brother on the shin, spraying water as she did so. “It’s not even heavy!” “You kick like a girl!” “I am a girl!” “Spear fishing is not that easy,” Jo’xhio interjected. “It takes great care, precision, a keen eye-“ “And a fast hand,” Mazaka finished. “You two aren’t fast enough.” “Oh really?” Jo’xhio hissed. “Let me see you try.” Mazaka straightened up. “Sure,” she teased. “Hand me a spear.” She dropped the coolers back down on the muddy floor, and held out a hand. Kalas quirked an eyebrow, handing her his spear. “You’re going to make a fool of yourself,” he said. “Hah,” she gripped the spear in her hands, tip pointed down. “Who do they think does the fishing when they’re in the workshop? Coolers aren’t going to fill themselves.” Shadows of fish flicked about against the surface of the murky river. Mazaka remained perfectly still, watching their movements. Spearfishing was the only way to catch these critters – nets would get cut up against the rocky river bottom, and the fish were too accustomed to dart away at the slightest hint movement. She gripped the spear, watching the outlines. A quick flash of silver broke the surface of the river. She plunged the spear. Something was pierced in the water. With careful precision, she scooped up the catch and proudly presented it to her brothers. “Hah!” she proclaimed. Kalas blinked. “…That was fast.” Mazaka pulled the fish out of the spear, depositing it in one of the coolers. “I learn from two best brothers,” she said, handing the spear back to Kalas. Jo’xhio grinned. “Fast,” he said, “but not fast enough.” He sloshed over, grabbing her shoulders and positioning them. “You tensed when you dropped,” he hissed. “Relax on the thrust next time. It will go faster.” Mazaka nodded. “Got it.” She scooped up the coolers and trudged back up the hill. “And Mazaka!” Jo’xhio called after her. “Add more salt to the fish this time!” Mazaka turned back to her two brothers. “You’ll eat whatever I cook and you’ll like it!” she hollered. She turned around and headed back into town, nimbly carrying the coolers of fish on each shoulder. “You know, she’s right,” Kalas said to his brother. “You’d eat whatever she cooks.” == “Mazaka, I need a word with you.” Mazaka looked up from her work. She had been sitting on a rug on the kitchen floor, with bowls around her, filled with various fish parts. She held a small knife in her hand, and was busy gutting a fish. “Yes father?” she asked. We’rhaka, her father, sat down beside her. “Kladax came by this morning,” he said. “He brought gifts.” Mazaka looked away, silent. “He’d make a good husband for you,” he said. “He’s strong, dependable-” “I don’t like him,” Mazaka interjected, picking up another fish and cleaning it. “…I don’t trust him.” “Why not?” Mazaka looked up. “The way he talks; he’s too proud, when he’s got nothing to be proud of,” she hissed. “I don’t like the way how he looks at me.” She slipped the knife through the fish head, slicing it off in one clean cut. “I watch him – he eyes other women too.” We’rhaka flicked out a tongue, sampling the air. “You think he would be unfaithful?” “Didn’t he ask two others to marry him, and they were equally declined?” Mazaka asked. “That was when he was still young – he’s matured since then.” Mazaka shook her head. “…He is abusive, father.” We’rhaka looked over at her. “What?” “His own sisters, he abuses them,” she hissed. “I was in the market the other day, when they were visiting. There were claw marks on their faces,” she hissed. “I asked how they got them – they went quiet and said they tripped and fell. I know they were lying.” Mazaka picked up another fish, skinning off the scales. “I don’t want an abusive husband.” “If he ever laid a hand on you and hurt you, Mazaka, you know your brothers and I would –” “And father, who will take care of you?” Mazaka interjected. “And little Lo’xik?” she asked. We’rhaka breathed out his snout, looking up at the ceiling. “…You are stubborn.” He chuffed slightly, but after a while, he nodded. “Alright,” he hissed, standing up. “If these are your fears, I will refuse him for you,” he answered. “You deserve a good husband, anyway.” “Thank you, father.” Mazaka said quietly. == Mazaka worked in the dim candlelight, slowly and deliberately copying letters on the piece of paper. “Issss thissss right?” she asked, pushing the paper across the table with her claws. The human sitting across from her picked up the paper, reading over it. “Yes, Mazaka.” He smiled. “Well done.” Mazaka let a proud grin curl on her lips. She flicked her tongue out in the air. Human ‘representatives’ had been visiting her little town, allowed in by the elders. They had been sent out by NanoTrasen, trying to spread their influence and recruit more of the outlying towns and villages. They had offered tutors to her town in particular, supplying them with books and useful knowledge, in hopes of starting a school for young adults. Mazaka’s favorite class by far was the glass workshop. She could make vases and other pretty trinkets to sell to the humans and skrells. Her brothers could learn metallurgy, mixing their knowledge in with what they learn in class and become better weapon smiths. But the most useful class of all, she had to admit, was learning how to read and write in Tau Ceti Basic, especially since she did not know how to write in her own tongue. Many of the older clan members did not originally approve of the idea of allowing the mothers and daughters to learn these skills, but the village elder conceded that in the changing world of Ouerean, such skills would be beneficial. Besides, it didn’t take away time from their duties, and the children could learn from them as well. There was a movement by the doorway, and a small Unathi child peeked out. It was Lo’xik. “Mazaka,” he said quietly. Mazaka sighed. She pushed away from the table, allowing Lo’xik to climb up her lap. Nighttime was lonely, with her father and two older brothers part of the night time patrol. “What is it, little Lo’xik?” she asked. “Fires outside,” he said, swaying slightly. “…Fires?” Mazaka stood up, carrying her baby brother in her arms. She pulled back the curtain of the window. Fires. The buildings outside were ablaze. “Firessss!” she hissed, grabbing the wrist of her human tutor and yanking him up. “We hassss to move!” The human made no argument. The rushed out the front door, but to Mazaka’s shock he immediately dropped to the floor, dead, with a spear in his throat. And the one wielding the spear was an all too familiar face. Kladax. Mazaka stepped back and snarled, reaching out and lashing claws across Kladax’s face. Caught by surprise by her outburst, he yelped in reeled back, and Mazaka took the opportunity to run, clutching her baby brother. “Mazaka!” Kladax snarled, pulling the spear out of the human. “I do not wish to hurt you!” The shaft of the spear glowed a blue light, with the tips of it crackling with electricity. Mazaka grabbed a nearby spear laid against the wall of the house – a simple traditional one. Lo’xik climbing down and hiding behind the table of the workshop. She snarled, holding the spear at the ready. Kladax observed her, hissing softly. “Listen, I’m not going to fight you. I already killed your father and brothers. You do not need-” Mazaka snarled and with a good solid swing, clipped Kladax on the snout. He stumbled back, taken by surprise yet again. “…You can fight?” he asked, dubious. “You want to marry me and you do not even realize I can fight!” she snarled, lunging in at him. This time, he parried away her attack. “I did not want to marry you!” she screamed, swinging again. “My refusal was not an insult! You are not a worthy husband!” “Your father refused me!” He howled, blocking her strike. He pushed back and lashed out, swiping Mazaka’s forearm. She screeched in pain as the electricity burned her skin. “He accused me, in front of my clan!” he howled, giving another thrust. “That was a disgrace!” “My father refused because I asked him to!” She screamed, feinting to the left. Kladax readied a block, but Mazaka spun the spear around, and plunged it into his stomach. A loud pained cry escaped his lips, and giving enough time for Mazaka to yank the spear out and stab it in again. She drove it into Kladax’s body, until it stopped on a bone. Kladax slumped over, and fell with a heavy thud. Mazaka dropped the spear, running back to pick up her baby brother. Lo’xik stared, unmoving, at the Unathi warrior that was now slain. Mazaka gathered him up and grabbed a second spear, then raced for the river below. She didn’t know where she was running, but she knew she had to flee and get help. The attackers might kill her if they knew she had just slained Kladax. She jumped down the hill and splashed into banks of the bitter cold water, the wet mud sucking at her sandals. She kicked off the sandals and ran, Lo’xik crying in her arms. == She traveled all night, following the river. She knew there was another settlement along the route, but she did not know how far. To be honest, she was not even sure if she was going the right way. But by morning, it did not matter. She collapsed by the riverbank, exhausted. Her feet were bleeding, and her robes were drenched in mud and dried blood. The river around these parts were a little more fast flowing, so the water was clean – stained only by the colors of mud and blood flowing out of Mazaka’s clothes. Lo’xik climbed out of her arms, trying to shake her. “Mazaka,” he cried. She stirred slightly, spotting a silhouette against the morning sun. She gripped her spear, standing up and holding her ground defensively, with Lo’xik hiding behind her. “Back off,” she snarled weakly. The Unathi before her folded his arms, amused. He wore skins around his waist and carried a small knapsack on his back. He also had two spears slung over his shoulder. Mazaka snarled a warning. “I won’t hurt you,” he said. “You’re in no condition to fight.” While it was true, Mazaka didn’t waver in her stance. The unathi shielded his eyes and looked down the horizon. “I have a shelter a few hours walk away,” he hissed softly. “You can come with me and I’ll treat your wounds. Or you can stay here and keep snarling. Your choice.” Mazaka cautiously lowered her weapon. “…Thanks,” she said after a while. The warrior unhooked a flask, walking over to the river and dipping it into the water. He filled the flask, corking it. “I am Ax’klaka,” he said. “Guwandi. Who are you?” Mazaka glanced down at the spear, silent. “Mazaka Sslinaekiir, daughter of We’rhaka Sslinaekiir. This is my little brother Lo’xik Sslinaekiir. Our town was attacked.” “Let’s get moving before the sun gets higher,” Ax’klaka said, starting to walk off. Mazaka winced a bit, her feet still sore from being cut up by the rocks of the river bottom. She scooped up her baby brother and trudged behind the warrior, using the spear to support herself. == Lo’xik slept in Mazaka’s arms, exhausted and tired. Mazaka herself wanted to fall asleep, but she fought to stay awake. Her feet had been bandaged by the Guwandi, and although she wanted to trust him, she did not know if she should. She watched the Guwandi quietly, as he poked a hunk of meat skewered on top of a meager fire pit outside the shelter. The shelter itself was nothing more than a makeshift tent propped up against a large rock, with blankets strewn on the floor. “I have to learn how to cook for myself out here,” he hissed softly, poking the meat with his claw. “I never get it right…one side is burnt and the other side isn’t cooked.” “You have to turn the spit,” Mazaka said. “That way it heats everything evenly.” Ax’klaka sampled the air. “Is that so? Next time,” he took the meat off the skewer, dividing it up into three pieces. “Eat,” he said, handing two slabs to Mazaka and Lo’xik. “Thank you,” Mazaka said. She nudged Lo’xik in her arms, handing him the meat. He sniffed it, then grabbed it up and devoured it greedily. “There is a village about two day’s travel from here,” he said. “I can take you that far, after you have healed your wounds.” he nodded. “But after that, you and your brother are on your own.” Mazaka bit into the meat, but grimaced slightly. She tried to hide her disdain from Ax’klaka, but failed. He chuckled. “Told you. I’m a bad cook.” == “How long have you been Guwandi?” Mazaka asked on the day of her departure. Ax’klaka hissed quietly, sampling the air about him. “Two months,” he answered back. “When I first spotted you from the river, I thought maybe my time could finally come to an end,” he said. “Imagine my disappointment of finding a scrawny, injured, little lady.” “I’m not scrawny,” Mazaka hissed back. “You are to me.” Mazaka chuckled. “Point.” “I haven’t found another Guwandi yet,” he hissed softly. “Perhaps I prologue this existence because I am afraid of death.” He gave a pained chuckle, looking up to the sky. “I am a coward. Maybe I should just roll over and die as such.” “Don’t do that,” Mazaka said quietly. “At the least, you owe as much of a good fight as possible to the next Guwandi.” Ax’klaka looked over to her. “…You are brave,” he hissed softly, “brave to lecture me like that.” Mazaka looked back to him. “My family taught me how to be brave,” she said steadily. “Don’t back off, even if stacked against the odds.” She looked away, fighting back the hollowed pain that welled up inside her. Her family. They were gone. It was just her and Lo’kix left. He hissed a rebuttal, but conceded. “Perhaps, you are braver than I am,” he said reluctantly. “In my time of isolation, I have learned that strength does not come from muscle and steel alone – it comes from a tempered spirit. A lesson I only wish I knew earlier.” He chuffed. “The way you carry yourself, your stance, your gait – you have a spirit, Sslinaekiir. More spirit than this shamed man.” “You’ll need to be brave,” he hissed back, gesturing down the road. “This is as far as I can take you. From here, you are on your own. Good luck, Mazaka Sslinaekiir.” == From there on out, Mazaka travelled from town to village, eventually making her way to the city. From there, she managed to get ahold of refugee services, locating another member of her clan far from home: Thasethel Sslinaekiir. With his help, she was lifted off of Ouerea and sent to Mendell, seeking a new life among these strange aliens. What do you like about this character?When I see other people playing Unathi females, they're always meek and submissive. I'm not gonna follow that with Mazaka. She's a spit-fire - a stubborn Unathi with the will to live. She's vocal and even among men, she won't accept 'her place' just because someone outside her clan tells her she can't do it. I want her to capture that essense of an Unathi - their tenacious spirit, refusal to quit, and respect for traditions. She lost everything and has been flung out into the unforgiving society of space - she'll have to stay strong to survive. She loves her family, and misses them dearly, and will do anything to protect her remaining clan members - especially her baby brother Lo'kix. She's going to find a difficult ground, controversially so, since she is a woman who seeks to make something of herself. She's a fighter and a survivor. How would you rate your role-playing ability? I'll give myself...7.8/10 Notes: Link to comment
The Stryker Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 NebulaFlare roleplays characters really well, so when there's a new character? +1. Oh, and enough Unathi knowledge. Link to comment
Bygonehero Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 A good app, and a good roleplayer but my problem is the precedent a Unathi that breaks the mould of what we expect a Unathi to be. Your application is snowflakey and changes one of the core expectations we have come to expect from Unathi players. I'm not saying your character or a character like yours is impossible, our own history can be useful in that regard as it is full of powerful women that have shaped society into what it is today, but no matter how many of these women there are, there are more that did not try for change. I would see your character as a Emmeline Pankhurst or Rosa Parks, not the average person coming to work on a Nanotrasen space station and Therein lay the root of the problem of accepting your application. If it is accepted then why shouldn't other similar characters be accepted? Suddenly Unathi culture no longer matters as much as it did before and ceases to be relevant at all once your character is considered the 'average person.' -1 Link to comment
ArcBot Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Nebula is awesome, Echo and DragonSnap are the nicest IPCs you'll meet. I think he deserves this whitelist, he definitely has proven he can role play. +1 from me. Link to comment
PoZe Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 Nebula is the most amazing person on the server to me. I have great deal of RP with her characters: Echo, DragonSnap, Scarlet(antag), all kinds of Mo'Taki(s). +1 Link to comment
Taintedglory Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 As what Bygone said, I am giving a +1 to Nebs for being Nebs, I love the player, lots of fun and great RP.. HOWEVER The app itself I do not like, But this does not mean they can make a better character. MY vaurca app is clear of that. My App character has been buried in the dust for a much better character that I RP now. Can I see Nebs doing the same thing? Yes. Do I dislike this app as it is? Yes. So its a +1 to Nebs, -1 to The app character. Link to comment
NebulaFlare Posted June 30, 2016 Author Share Posted June 30, 2016 Thanks for all your kind words and support, everyone! I do appreciate the feedback. As what Bygone said, I am giving a +1 to Nebs for being Nebs, I love the player, lots of fun and great RP.. HOWEVER The app itself I do not like, But this does not mean they can make a better character. MY vaurca app is clear of that. My App character has been buried in the dust for a much better character that I RP now. Can I see Nebs doing the same thing? Yes. Do I dislike this app as it is? Yes. So its a +1 to Nebs, -1 to The app character. What's wrong with the app? I gotta know what you dislike about it so I can argue/fix it. A good app, and a good roleplayer but my problem is the precedent a Unathi that breaks the mould of what we expect a Unathi to be. Your application is snowflakey and changes one of the core expectations we have come to expect from Unathi players. I'm not saying your character or a character like yours is impossible, our own history can be useful in that regard as it is full of powerful women that have shaped society into what it is today, but no matter how many of these women there are, there are more that did not try for change. I would see your character as a Emmeline Pankhurst or Rosa Parks, not the average person coming to work on a Nanotrasen space station and Therein lay the root of the problem of accepting your application. If it is accepted then why shouldn't other similar characters be accepted? Suddenly Unathi culture no longer matters as much as it did before and ceases to be relevant at all once your character is considered the 'average person.' -1 She's still a traditionalist, mixed in with Ourean values. She'll sacrifice everything for her baby brother, who is the only family member she currently has left. I knew if she were to ever go up to Moghes, she would not survive by being loud. She smart - she won't backtalk when she's faced down, but she'll still glower and glare in silence. She'll avoid conflict if it means protecting her honor, clan, and baby brother, but that doesn't mean she's going to back off on someone or something that insults her and disrespect her. The impression of Unathi females (going off of only 2 I see, one I've barely had the opportunity to interact with) are meek and feeble. Unathi are supposed to be headstrong and proud - and one of the females I witnessed was fearless enough to tote a gun around when her husband was in jeopardy. I'm not saying there's something wrong with being the dainty and quiet side - not at all. But stereotyping one set of characters will give no room for flavor or conflict - which is always fun. What people expect of Unathi are only surface expectations - stubborn brutish warriors who detest progress. But after digging through them a bit more, they're not. You gotta dissect them to find the good meat of their lore, and I'm pretty confident I can play Mazaka and still pull her off as a legit Unathi. She's not going to be wearing frou frous and cry for help when she sees a dangerous threat, I'll give you that. She's going to go through a wild learning and growth experience, which started well before she ever set foot on a station. She comes from a proud clan and she's going to go in with her head held high. Even if they were not with weapons, she had to fight her own battles and struggles, and she's proud of it. Link to comment
Mofo1995 Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 I think that this character is controversial and maybe bending the lore some, but when I read the story, I found it to be believable. Except maybe the part where the Guwandi didn't know go turn a spit to evenly cook his food. Reading through it, I liked Mazaka. I like her family-orientation, her love for her little brother, and her close relationship she had with her brothers and father. I see you addressed some criticisms which previously existed about not having any male clan member to claim Mazaka by adding on in who was living in Mendell City, and I think this was a good service to adding reason for Mazaka to go all the way to Biesel. I'll admit, I'm weaker on Unathi lore than any other race except Diona. There might be lore discrepancies that I didn't detect much like last application, but I'll still eagerly supply my support on the basis of the application itself, which I differ from the others in that I liked it. I'm sure someone could step in and point out issues with plotlines if they were determined, but I think it surpassed the quality of most people's writing and was given a lot of effort. The only thing I was particularly Shakey on was how she took down the warrior-suitor, it felt somewhat inorganic BUT I'm still willing to call it believable because even lesser warriors can luck out in a fight. All in all, I like Mazaka and her story, and I like Nebs who I still believe to be an outstanding roleplayed and positive member of our community. +1 Link to comment
Butterrobber202 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I think we just found Zuberi's Waifu Just kidding, (Or am I?) All in all Nebs is a GREAT roleplayer, Flare is one of the best players here and the one with the least salt in her veins. I do like the App, even tho I thought it was short (I'm a book herp please forgive me) and would like to see the character on board, but what job would she do? Her only skills are Glass shaping (or blowing) , and spearing people. Link to comment
SierraKomodo Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I thought I posted on this, but apparently not. What Mofo said is basically what I would have said regarding the application. It might be skirting some lines on Unathi traditions/values when it comes to females, but this same female also is leaving Unathi territory and coming to Human space. Nebula's been good at creating a variety of characters, even if she seems to always have some kind of catch phrase for each one ("She didn't do it!" "You're nuttier than a fruitcake!" Etc.), and I'd like to see where she takes the Unathi character. +1 Link to comment
NebulaFlare Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 I thought I posted on this, but apparently not. What Mofo said is basically what I would have said regarding the application. It might be skirting some lines on Unathi traditions/values when it comes to females, but this same female also is leaving Unathi territory and coming to Human space. Nebula's been good at creating a variety of characters, even if she seems to always have some kind of catch phrase for each one ("She didn't do it!" "You're nuttier than a fruitcake!" Etc.), and I'd like to see where she takes the Unathi character. +1 *points to own signature* It's a theme. Link to comment
Loow Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 This application is the same as the last one, slightly reworked. So my response will likely read in a manner similar to the last one. The biggest differences I see here are changes to the positions of ellipses, addition of buzzwords, and minor edits to the biography. Why do you wish to play this specific race:Originally, I did not like Unathi - at all. I'm a feminist (A legit one, thank you kindly) and Unathi culture just made me cringe. It was so very anti-female and anti-equality. I never would even consider making an Unathi app to play this race. But I got curious about the lore one day, and read up on it to get a better understanding. That's when I got inspired to make Mazaka. I presented an app for her, but it got denied, so I went and reworked her story and I am presenting it again. You're not really selling the "I want to play this race" angle. Your answer reads more along the lines of "I was thinking about how these people have different opinions than the ones I have currently, when I decided to not do that. Also my last application did not get approved, so here is another app parts almost identical to it." Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yep. Twice. Another example of "I already applied once" in this application. This one hurts just a lil' because it gives the impression that youA: Really don't care for the fact that you had to read anything at all. B: Are a bit more salty about being denied on your first try than you probably mean to seem. C: Seriously only read the lore twice after all of this time and discussion. Each of those is a detail we could go without and probably isn't even the case. Fixation and Other Things to Consider I understand that the nature of the Unathi is what made you take an interest in writing a character, but have you considered many factors in the character that are not centered around the degree of spit which she may or may not put in the face of her home culture? I know this sounds like the build up to some grand statement, but it's actually a fairly genuine request. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. It's understandable given the nature of the biography, but there's not a lot of material on "normal" things. How does she feel about IPC's? Tajara? Humans? Skrell? Other? There's so much about "Mazaka is not like the other Tajarnathi" but very little about "You can see the disestablishment in his eyes." Please expand more upon the person. There's more details to soften the blow of the app in this draft, but it doesn't really answer much of the feedback from the last application. To mention a couple: It's awkward when you have this happen on Ourea. This isn't a land with hundreds of years of dynastic politics, the colonists didn't come off the colony ship with their loyal soldiers and retinues. There were human authorities, and the colonists all had mobile phones - where were the police? Her encounters with the Guwandi are not reasonable. Guwandi are deeply shamed and are trying to atone for something unforgivable by letting themselves at least die with honor, or end up dead in the wilderness and not having to face their shame anymore. The vast majority of Guwandi would ignore her, or spew out their whole story about why they're Guwandi, tell her how to deal with their corpse if they lose then attack her. Or if they're assholes/desperate just straight up tell her they're guwandi and attack her. You do not have lunch and friendly chats with someone who have psychologically steeled themselves to suicide and are actively committing a more elaborate form of sepukku; they are focused entirely on dying properly. Why did he teach his daughter how to fight, though? Female unathi are not treated like males. They do not become warriors. I could buy that she got in a lucky strike and killed Kladax in a terrified panic, but not that she conveniently had more combat skill than him. And why did he help her? Guwandi do this because they are filled with a deep shame about something. They want to die, or redeem themselves. Does he have a reason for helping a clanless female, or did you misappropriate the concept to add a Friendly Wanderer archetype to the story? Being so openly disrespectful to her family, even if it is just to show how cute and independent she is, would not be considered "okay." This note isn't quite as severe. Slain. Just a spelling error. You had it right in the last paragraph. Did she just teach the guy who's been living on his own how to cook? More specifically, could this guy not figure out how to get the other side of his food warm? Is he thick? Change and Positive Notes There were quite a few changes you made to the biography that I feel really made an improvement. Expanding upon the brothers, even if only slightly, really gave the impression that these were people rather than just names. Mentioning the overcrowding on Ouereeaeaeaea and the nearby cities was a nice touch that I felt showed the fluidity of the setting. It's not completely detached from the rest of the world. Your response to the "why Unathi?" question is much less overtly dismissive of the race than in previous drafts. It now raises a few eyebrows because you felt it necessary to add your own ideological background (apparently it's worth interjecting the point that you're not one of those fake feminists in an application to play as a space lizard. idk. Maybe subscribing to one ideology or another makes you more qualified to RP having scales.)[/i] and comes across as more "how dare they have a different culture" than "they are big dumb lizards who hate technology". The impression of Unathi females (going off of only 2 I see, one I've barely had the opportunity to interact with) are meek and feeble. This isn't entirely the case. Believe it or not, there's a well done deconstruction of the archetype of a "sassy lady lizard" that I was very happy to see. There have also been a few less polished ones that I have seen in the past. You don't need to be the one that says "not all female Unathi are pushovers" to the community. It seems like they've come to that conclusion themselves. "But Loow, I want to anyway." Ok then let's continue on with feedback. Last application was met with a lot of "straight forward +1's" and "in depth -1's" and it tends to feel like the -1's give (objectively) better feedback in regards to how to improve. I'd love it if everyone gave feedback and went into obsessive depth in their feedback, but sadly I don't even do that all the time. What are some things you could work on to make this application or character better or sell it to the (picky members of the) crowd more effectively? There's a lot of ways for anyone to improve, but I'm typing way too much so let's see if I can wrap this up. -More details about the character would be nice. I feel like more *fluff* about her opinions, her likes (or anything you want to write about really) could do a good deal to separate this character design from the easy to label archetype of "sassy lizard lady who don't need no man." You've really improved upon your old design and I really love seeing growth. - I love your style of including anecdotes and stories that involve the character, but it might be nice to get fed a few details that aren't about "why she's not like other girls". I'm not going to say "write 3 pages about why she loves Cinnamon Toast Crunch" but it might be nice to know more about this character than her plight. Maybe I'm just nosy or maybe I just really like character talk. Maybe I'm being too harsh because I get the impression that you actually have the capacity to make a ridiculously well put-together character, but get the impression you're getting it too easy by saying "I can do this one trope about not being polite to male Unathi." You made this character design better than it was, but I feel like you can still add more. Mazaka is more than just the events that happened to her. Hit us with some hard details that aren't just about being a lady-lizard. Answer a few questions that you feel the reader should have the answer to. And for all that's good in this world, fix the spelling of the word "Slained" to "Slain." It's killing me softly. I'm probably going to end up posting in here again, but for now it's a -1 from Loow. There's a lot of issues still present from the last thread that I'd like to at least see talked about by Neb, the writer. At the very least "Screw you, Loow! I can do if I want!" I'm still miffed that sections of this app are the same as the last one with only minor changes like the position of a "..." while the spelling of the one typing-error I noticed is still there. To sum up my post even further: Better, but not yet good enough! Do more things because I am rude! Can explain things pls? TTYL -1 Link to comment
Rusty Shackleford Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Nebs, as good as I remember your roleplay to be, I doubt you can actually make this work. The character backstory, while well written, reads basically like Mazaka is a scaly human. Nothing seems overtly "alien" about her, she just seems like a rebellious human teenager who had her brain transplanted into a giant space lizard. Her views are probably much too close to yours for you to effectively separate yourself from the character when bad things happen to them, another issue. All in all, she goes against the grain a bit too much for her to be plausible. Link to comment
Bygonehero Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Alot of what's being discussed touches on the overall problem playing alien races. They have expectations to their character that do not exist with humans, and even IPC's for that matter. As a human you have no expectations that other players expect from your character to make them believable, it's why they are the easiest to roleplay. As a IPC ((essentially robot)) you are expected to act sorta robotic. That's it. Very easy, and can pretty much go anywhere with a character. ( IPC's do not have history or culture) I could not, for example believably play a countrified Skrell cargo technician who speaks in trucker lingo who drinks constantly or A insular nobility loving Taja that despises openly the effect humans have had on their race.The first example because it's silly and not the intellectual pursuits we expect from Skrell, the second example because the character wouldn't have ever joined Nanotrasen, a human company, in the first place. People expect Unathi to be traditionalist space lizards that hold honor and community values in high esteem. To have an example of counter culture is to open a literal Pandora's Box for all other applications that ever want to play Unathi. Destroying the Unathi lore expectations and defeating the purpose of making alien culture in the first place. Link to comment
Kaed Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 There are only minor differences between the backstory of this app and the previous one. You do not seem to have really grasped the spirit of what made your character implausible, and changed little to nothing other than removing a few aspects of the story that seemed off, while leaving the core message intact. I suspect you will not be satisfied until you get to make your feminist unathi character. This may be an issue in your viewpoints in life, as you are, evidently, a self-proclaimed feminist. That is not to say there is anything wrong with being feminist (as a human), but it does seem to be coloring your perceptions and causing you to project them onto space lizards. Rather akin to people who see Islamic burka as horribly oppressive to the women there (when some of them still wear them willingly after having immigrated to the US, because it's part of their cultural beliefs), you are inserting an undercurrent you wish to exist in the form of an unathi female who desires to resist her own culture that has worked fairly well for unathi for many a century. While perhaps the human tutor and living on Ouere influenced this, I would question her TRADITIONALIST UNATHI father allowing any tutor to poison his daughters mind with alien cultural ideologies. That said, I do appreciate that you took some time to understand concepts such as guwandi, though. along with some more plausible reasons why her father would refuse the marriage. Abusiveness and adulterous behavior are both good reasons for a father to decline a marriage. I should also point out that since you put her on Ouere, there's a very small window of time in which she could have lived there. The planet was only colonized 20 years ago in canon, and I expect some of those years were spent creating the cities you mention in her backstory that her family gravitated away from. Given the timing of things, I don't see her being realistically born on Ouere without her being something like 15-17 years old, unless her mother arrived with the first 350 colonists already pregnant or her parents immediately began banging to break in the new planet. Alternatively, she could have grown up on Moghes during her very young, formative years, before her family migrated, but given their desire to stay away from the refugee influx rather than BEING PART OF IT that seems slightly less plausible. This isn't to say your character can't work, but to point out that you have some limited choices in how old she can be if you want her to have been born on Ouere. A lot of the points were covered by Loow earlier, so I won't rehash them. Were I in charge of unathi applications, I would hesitate strongly before accepting app, honestly. As it is, I am hearing murmurs from Jackboot that he is considering accepting it, and I'll stand by his decision if he does, but probably watching closely. If you start showing signs of playing an obnoxious feminazi character, I will be very unhappy with you and complain to said Jackboot. Admittedly, it sounds like you intend to play her as just having no desire to bow and scrape to male unathi. Keep it that way, instead of having her insult every male she sees, or, I don't know, scream how men are pigs over the radio. Pls no tumblr in spess. Link to comment
Guest Marlon Phoenix Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 A lot of what I would say is already echoed by Kaed and Loow, so I'll focus the juicy bits on other material. Your application shows minor adjustments from the original, so I'm going to try and give feedback in alternate routes. I've always maintained that players are allowed to subvert the major tropes and themes of species', but that it's very difficult because I take a far more critical eye to it. For a standard character you only need to prove that you understand the race and its major themes. For subversion you need to prove two things, one being that you know the race, and the second being that you understand the race enough to subvert it properly for the sake of a character rather than for the sake of subverting it. However I always encourage players experimenting and I run it by ear that: 1) Whatever subversion they're doing doesn't become a trend, and if it does I come up with some explanation. (Like albino Unathi) 2) They have good intentions and it's not played for laughs. 3) They accept that their character is not normal. That last one is the key. I created the Guwan as an explicit caste for people who wanted to be gross scumbags or losers. The more unique or counter-culture your character is the more retaliation they face. So another major thing you need to prove to me is that you are capable of genuinely accepting your character being an outcast or even total garbage to the society they're in. I myself explore these through my own unathi characters; all of them have elements or backstories that run counter to what is accepted in Unathi society, and I wrestle with how to portray it properly to make a good character. Doing so also helps me explore how other players can do the same, like you are trying to do. The majority of unathi female players follow the trope of being submissive to the men or at least non-aggressive (if non-antag) when faced with males being sexist assholes at them, so as I said, I am willing to hope it doesn't become a trend by allowing someone to do it. And I'll just... Do something if it becomes a major fad. However, as the negative feedback constructively puts across, there are worries that you are unable to separate yourself from your character. There is nothing wrong with being a woman angry at her position in life, as yours is. Being shunted and stuck on the bottom rung and losing most of your family because of your sex is incredibly frustrating to a woman filled with passion and determination. Even during the height of the Cult of Domesticity there were women dissatisfied with this. I personally will be adding Notable Unathi to provide famous Unathi who embodied the determination of the underclass struggling in this incredibly stratified society, like the Rosa Parks for unathi women. However, a unathi Rosa Parks wouldn't have the bus driver call the police and she's escorted to a jail cell. They'd call her husband who would come drag her off, or if he was a scumbag, smack her around in the streets. Unathi women are incredibly marginalized; a passionate woman is an enigma, someone that needs the firm hand of a husband to turn them into proper, timid ladies. I'm a feminist too, but I put a lot of effort in separating my personal beliefs from my work, and if you want to explore the issues of unathi women and the trials of a female unathi in this society, you're going to have to keep from self-inserting too. As I said earlier, you need to accept that you aren't going to change Unathi society, and that it would be a disservice to the skills even a few -1's have said they know you have by becoming an archetype of a sassy independent unathi woman who don't need no man. You can be strong willed and independent without retorting to every bit of oppression with a sassy remark or physical violence. The success of Civil Rights in the US wasn't built on a bedrock of violent retaliation to the oppression, and intentionally causing conflict you face to escalate isn't an appropriate response. I'm a feminist too but I still wrote this species' as sexist buttheads because I actively try to separate myself from my work. I'm going to tentatively accept this application, but I am going to try and closely follow your progress. I don't want you to feel like you're walking on eggshells through a minefield, but by being so counter to the standard you're choosing to walk into this minefield. I always encourage experimentation because exploring characters like these and their struggles improve ourselves as writers, and you've put in work for two applications so you clearly want to do this. Being a sassy unathi woman after all this will really make me look like an ass for accepting you, so please take what I and others have said. Application accepted. Link to comment
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