[Denied] NebulaFlare's Unathi Application

[NebulaFlare]

BYOND Key:NebulaFlare

Character Names:Okay, here we go. Lori Alvarez, Rose Watson, Kyyih'ry'avii (aka Karima) Mo'Taki, DragonSnap, Demitri Rota, Tavaku Mo'Taki, Aji'Rah Laikov, Serenity Systems (AI), Ricochet, Echo (medical), Echo (security), Valary Field, Hawk Silverstone.....I think that's everyone.

Species you are applying to play:Unathi

What color do you plan on making your first alien character (Dionaea & IPCs exempt):Either sandstone brown or green. I haven't decided yet. Most likely sandstone brown.

Have you read our lore section's page on this species?: Yup.

---

---

Please provide well articulated answers to the following questions in a paragraph format. One paragraph minimum per question

Why do you wish to play this specific race:Originally, I didn't like Unathi. They're loud, annoying, aggressive, violent, and stubbornly backwards lizard-beasts. But I got inspiration to make Mazaka after reading up a little bit on their lore. And so, here we go! Maybe I'll discover they're not the violent monstrosities after all.

Identify what makes role-playing this species different than role-playing a Human:They are very deeply seated in culture and traditions. They don't like to change, and they shun technology. They are also very honor-driven, moreso than a human.

 

---

---

Character Name:Mazaka Sslinaekiir

Please provide a short backstory for this character, approximately 2 paragraphs

Is it okay if it's more than 2 paragraphs?

 

Mazaka Sslinaekiir

“Oi!” Mazaka yelled. “Hurry up with the fish!” She jumped down the small incline, toward the pier. Bracelets made of wooden beads dangled from her wrist, and her wooden slippers kicked up dust as she hopped down the hill. Her two brothers were at the pier, busy hauling a net in, filled with the squirming silver creatures. She reached down, grabbing a nearby woven basket full of fish, hefting it up with ease.

Her brother Jo’xhio grinned, pulling the net open and tossing more fish into another basket. “Need help carrying that?” he asked.

She scoffed, playfully kicking her brother on the shin. “Get back to work, lazy ligger,” she said, easily scaling the steep little hill, basket of fish in her hands.

“You kick like a girl!” Jo’xhio hollered at her.

“I am a girl!”

"We need to spar more!" he yelled back. "I barely felt that!"

Mazaka hissed. "Tomorrow?"

"Sure," Jo'xhio nodded. "Made a new batch of spears we need to strain-test anyway."

“Hey Mazaka!” her second brother, Kalas, yelled back. “Add more salt to the fish this time!”

Mazaka turned back to her two brothers. “You’ll eat whatever I cook and you’ll like it!” she hollered. She turned around and headed back into the village, hoisting the basket of fish on her shoulder, and headed straight for the open-stove kitchens. The tantalizing smell of fish wafted up in the air, simmering with other delicious delicacies. She grinned. It was going to be a good feast tonight.

==

Mazaka worked in the dim candlelight, slowly and deliberately copying letters on the piece of parchment. “Issss thissss right?” she asked, pushing the parchment across the table with her claws.

The human sitting across from her picked up the paper, reading over it. “Yes, Mazaka.” He smiled. “Well done.”

Mazaka let a proud grin curl on her lips. She flicked her tongue out in the air. Human ‘missionaries’ had been visiting her little village, allowed in by the village elder. They had taught the clan many things about the outside world.

Mazaka’s favorite class by far was the glass workshop. She could make vases and other pretty trinkets to sell to the humans and skrells. Her brothers would learn metallurgy, and become better weapon smiths. But the most useful class of all, she had to admit, was learning how to read and write in Tau Ceti Basic. Many of the older clan members did not originally approve of the idea of allowing the mothers and daughters to learn these skills, but the village elder conceded that in the changing world of Ouerean, such skills would be beneficial. Besides, it didn’t take away time from their duties, and the children could learn from them as well.

There was a movement by the doorway, and a small Unathi child peeked out. Lo’xik. “Mazaka,” he said quietly.

Mazaka sighed. She pushed away from the table and Lo’xik climbed up her lap. Without a mother in the family, most of the responsibility fell to her. Nighttime was lonely, with her father and two older brothers too busy patrolling the outskirts of the village, keeping it safe from raiders. “What is it, little Lo’xik?” she asked.

“Fires outside,” he said, swaying slightly.

“…Fires?” Mazaka stood up, carrying her baby brother in her arms. She pulled back the curtain of the stone hut.

Fires. The village was ablaze.

“Firessss!” she hissed, grabbing the wrist of her human tutor and yanking him up. “We hassss to move!”

The human made no argument. They rushed out the front door, but to Mazaka’s shock he immediately dropped to the floor, dead. A spear was stuck in his throat. And the one wielding the spear was an all too familiar face. Kladax of the Ganbak clan.

Mazaka stepped back and snarled, reaching out and lashing claws across Kladax’s face. Caught by surprise by her outburst, he yelped in reeled back, and Mazaka took the opportunity to run, clutching her baby brother.

“Mazaka!” Kladax snarled, pulling the spear out of the human. “I do not wish to hurt you!”

"Do not call me by that!" she screeched. Mazaka grabbed a nearby spear, Lo’xik climbing down and hiding behind unfinished weapons. She snarled, holding the spear at the ready.

Kladax observed her, hissing softly. “Listen, I’m not going to fight you. I already killed your father and brothers. You do not need-”

Mazaka snarled and with a good solid swing, clipped Kladax on the snout. He stumbled back, taken by surprise yet again. “…You can fight?” he asked, dubious.

“You would think the daughter of a weapon smith would know how to fight!” she snarled, lunging in at him. This time, he parried away her attack.

“I did not want to marry you!” she yelled, swinging again. “My refusal was not an insult! You are not a worthy husband!”

“Your father refused me!” He howled, striking back. “That was a disgrace!”

“My father refused because I asked him to!” She screamed, feinting to the left. Kladax readied a block, but Mazaka spun the spear around, and plunged it into his shoulder. A loud pained cry escaped his lips, and giving enough time for Mazaka to yank the spear out and stab it in again. She drove it into Kladax’s body, until it stopped on a bone. Kladax slumped over, and fell with a heavy thud.

Mazaka dropped the spear, running back to pick up her baby brother. Lo’xik stared, unmoving, at the Unathi warrior that was now slain. Mazaka gathered him up and grabbed a second spear, then raced for the river below.

She didn’t know where she was running, but she knew she had to flee. The attackers might kill her if they knew she had just slained Kladax. She needed to get help. She jumped down the hill and splashed into banks of the bitter cold water, the wet mud sucking at her sandals. She kicked off the sandals and ran, Lo’xik crying in her arms.

==

She traveled all night, following the river. She knew there was another village along the route, but she did not know how far.

But by morning, it did not matter. She collapsed by the riverbank, exhausted. Her feet were bleeding, and her robes were drenched in mud and dried blood. Lo’xik climbed out of her arms, trying to shake her. “Mazaka,” he cried.

Mazaka stirred slightly, spotting a silhouette against the morning sun. She gripped her spear, standing her ground defensively, with Lo’xik hiding behind her. “Back off,” she snarled weakly.

The Unathi before her folded his arms, amused. He wore skins around his waist and carried a small knapsack on his back. He also had two spears slung over his shoulder. Mazaka snarled a warning.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said. “You’re in no condition to fight.”

While it was true, Mazaka didn’t waver in her stance.

The warrior shielded his eyes and looked down the horizon. “I have a shelter a few hours walk away,” he hissed softly. “You can come with me and I’ll treat your wounds. Or you can stay here and keep snarling. Your choice.”

Mazaka cautiously lowered her weapon. “…Thanks,” she said after a while.

The warrior unhooked a flask, walking over to the river and dipping it into the water. He filled the flask, corking it. “I am Hevaki Ax’klaka,” he said. “I am Guwandi. Who are you?”

Mazaka glanced down at the spear, silent. “Mazaka Heka. This is my little brother Lo’xik Heka. Our village was attacked.”

“Let’s get moving before the sun gets higher,” Ax’klaka said, starting to walk off.

Mazaka winced a bit, her feet still sore from being cut up by the rocky river bottom. She scooped up her baby brother and trudged behind the warrior, using the spear to support herself.

==

Lo’xik slept in Mazaka’s arms, exhausted and tired. Mazaka herself wanted to fall asleep, but she fought to stay awake. Her feet had been bandaged by the Guwandi, and although she wanted to trust him, she did not know if she should. She watched Ax’klaka quietly, as he poked a hunk of meat skewered on top of a meager fire pit outside the shelter. The shelter itself was nothing more than a makeshift tent propped up against a large rock, with blankets strewn on the floor, and equipment and weapons hanging from the wooden shafts.

“I have to learn how to cook for myself out here,” he hissed softly, poking the meat with his claw. “I never get it right…one side is burnt and the other side isn’t cooked.”

“You have to turn the spit,” Mazaka said. “That way it heats everything evenly.”

Ax’klaka sampled the air. “Is that so? Next time,” he took the meat off the skewer, dividing it up into three pieces. “Eat,” he said, handing two slabs to Mazaka and Lo’xik.

“Thank you,” Mazaka said. She nudged Lo’xik in her arms, handing him the meat. He sniffed it, then grabbed it up and devoured it greedily.

“There is a village about two day’s travel from here,” he said. “I can take you that far,” he nodded. “But after that, you and your brother are on your own.”

Mazaka bit into the meat, but grimaced slightly. She tried to hide her disdain from Ax’klaka, but failed.

He chuckled. “Told you. I’m a bad cook.”

 

tl;dr version:

Mazaka grew up in a quiet village within Ouerean, which had a bit more of a proactive view than those of traditional villages. Her village was attacked when she was only within her teen years, and she fled with her little baby brother. She traveled from village to village, seeking refuge. She was always one of a firey spirit, but without a clan or family to support her, she had to learn how to protect herself. After two years of travelling on foot, she had been unable to find any remaining members of her clan to take her in. She eventually made her way where missionaries would frequent, and she accepted aid from them.

This is where she learned of NanoTrasen. The missionaries searched NanoTrasen's database, and actually managed to locate a match for her clan. She contacted this far-flung clan member, Thasethel Sslinaekiir, and with his help, managed to leave Ouerean for a better life. This was nearly ten years ago. Now she's a young mature woman living in Tau Ceti.

What do you like about this character?When I see other people playing Unathi females, they're always meek and submissive. I'm not gonna follow that with Mazaka. She's a spit-fire - a stubborn Unathi with the will to live. She's vocal and even among men, she won't accept 'her place' because someone else outside her clan tells her she can't do it. She's a fighter and a survivor.

How would you rate your role-playing ability? Umm...I'll give myself 7.8/10.

---

---

Notes:

Edited May 25, 2016 by Guest

[Garnascus]

You dont have a lizard white list? Color me surprised! i have had numerous good instances of RP with you. The most memorable might be when i observed your nurse...echo i think assist a dieing patient with suicide. Really cool and i think you understand the RP game well.

[Mofo1995]

I've RP'd a lot witch Echo, Karima, and somewhat with DragonSnap. Judging on my experiences with Nebs, I think Unathi is probably the most interesting choice they could've picked, and I'm really interested to see how they'll handle it. But, going beyond what I find interesting, Nebs is a really positive member of the community that I enjoy, and when it comes to good RP they bring it. +1 from me.

[NebulaFlare]

Made a few small edits to the personal story. Mostly proofread stuff. It should be good now. And thanks!

[Jennalele]

I remember reading the beginning of this last night. Seeing the whole thing, I'm more than impressed!

Nebs is a great player and a great RPer. I've had some great experiences with her, and I can confidently endorse this as an app I'd support! +1.

[Nanako]

I'd like to see a lot more interesting unathi. I'm hoping you would't be one of those macho sorts that constantly refuses medical treatment then gets themselves killed.

You have a LOT of characters, very varied and they're usually pretty fun to be around. It'll be interesting to see what you do with a nonsynthetic for a change

[Fire and Glory]

The backstory, while interesting, I feel doesn't quite explain things well enough at the end.

How did she go from fleeing her slaughtered village to another village to suddenly working on a corporate space station in Tau Ceti? How many years ago was this? How old even is she?

What is her little brother doing while she works?

I know we don't need to know everything but it really is too vague at the end.

[NebulaFlare]

The backstory, while interesting, I feel doesn't quite explain things well enough at the end.

How did she go from fleeing her slaughtered village to another village to suddenly working on a corporate space station in Tau Ceti? How many years ago was this? How old even is she?

What is her little brother doing while she works?

I know we don't need to know everything but it really is too vague at the end.

 

Good point. I added a TL;DR version at the end, which explains all this. I assume her brother just goes to schooling while she's away at work. She's basically a refugee of sorts.

Edit: Jen has been so gracious in offering I make Mazaka a member of her lizard's clan. Now it makes more sense how she got off of Oureaen.

[Fire and Glory]

Mmh, anyways, Nebs is a pretty cool Roleplayer, her chars are often have interesting depths to them and the like, and the app seems fine, 1+.

[LemonTheFruit]

You're an absolutely great roleplayer, I have no doubt you can ace any role given. +1

[Nikov]

-1 Its shitty enough playing Echo distracts you from being Manfred's Dragonsnapwaifu now you're going to be a fuckin' lizbeast hell no downvote this shit like a raise for teachers.

[NebulaFlare]

-1 Its shitty enough playing Echo distracts you from being Manfred's Dragonsnapwaifu now you're going to be a fuckin' lizbeast hell no downvote this shit like a raise for teachers.

 

DragonSnap is away on a roadtrip. It's why I haven't played her for awhile.

And seriously. If Karima ever heard you call her pride and joy that, she'll come for you...with claws and teeth... XD

[Filthyfrankster]

Neb does good robot

Neb would make a fine addition to the already dying unathi whitelists

+1

[Kaed]

I don't know much about your roleplay standards. I recognize a couple of characters, but there are not ones I directly interacted with.

So I will judge this application based on the contents of it, rather than through a filter of previous experience with you.

And I don't care for it. This character is a series of out of place archetypical tropes combined together into a patchwork backstory that probably sounded deep and meaningful to you, but fills me with frustration. You appear to have taken an outsider view of generic unathi stereotypes that you dislike and deliberately done your best to defy them to their fullest extent. While I recognize that unathi social standards would be deviated from somewhat in an environment where alien races are permitted to tutor young unathi, and Ourere sort of exists as a place for nontraditional unathi to come from, an orphaned unathi girl with her baby brother who grows up to be a strong independent woman who don't need no man? Really?

Two of the strongest mentalities the unathi possess is a sense of family and clan, and a perception of the honor of combat. An orphan female without a clan, especially since that clan was defeated in battle, would be essentially trash to any other unathi community - I don't care how much influence you think skrell and human culture have on Ourere, a people don't abandon their core principles in less than a half century of colony life.

How did she survive with no support? Her father was a weaponsmith, sure. Why did he teach his daughter how to fight, though? Female unathi are not treated like males. They do not become warriors. I could buy that she got in a lucky strike and killed Kladax in a terrified panic, but not that she conveniently had more combat skill than him.

And this Guwandi they meet. You don't seem to grasp the principles of that, either, which makes me think all you did was skim the wiki. Unathi who accept Guwandi status are willingly exiling themselves. They abandon their clan and name, and basically wander off to die. He would not have introduced himself by his former clan name, Ax’klaka, and explained that he is Guwandi. And why did he help her? Guwandi do this because they are filled with a deep shame about something. They want to die, or redeem themselves. Does he have a reason for helping a clanless female, or did you misappropriate the concept to add a Friendly Wanderer archetype to the story?

And let's get to how she found Nanotrasen. These unexplained missionaries, what were they representing? Nanotrasen? Is Nanotrasenism a religion now? Why did Nanotrasen have more extensive logs of her clan than the unathi themselves? Why did her sole remaining blood relative send her away to live with aliens rather than try to pull her back and reintegrate her to unathi society? She lost her entire clan, and so did he. The logical response to learning of each other would be to try and establish a closer connection and attempt to rekindle the clan, not leave it broken. Again, she's an unmarried, clanless female. Under no train of unathi logic would she be considered worthy of wandering off on her own.

[Loow]

I posted some feedback on the writing style of another piece not too long ago, and now I've got a taste for blood. It looks like nobody else is going to give you feedback you can use, so here I am. Actually, I began drafting this the other day. In the last 24-ish hours it seems you got more useful feedback. Props to Kaed for being honest and to Fire for asking questions near the start.

Let's cut the formalities and get right to it.

This application is so filled with snow that it has to empty out its boots and take off its coat before entering its own home.

My tentative plan is to mark special details about the character with * and general notes on writing with %.

My first comment is on the first thing a reader sees. The title. "NebulaFlare's Lizardbeast (I mean Unathi) Application"

Poor form.

 

Quips That Offer Little Substance:

A Tajar-... An Unathi female with an attitude.* This is rare enough in its own right because of the race's traditional and societal views. To put it lazily, it pretty much sucks to be a female Unathi. They're discouraged from reading, the law pretty much treats them like property, and they're occasionally used as a reason for one clan to fight another clan. The fact that she talks mad smack with any male is almost as surprising as how readily he takes it.

Next, she uses the word "ligger" in character.% Say what you will, this is a sin in my mind and frankly feels like a cop out. I can't remember ever seeing someone saying any insults on par with "catbeast" and thinking "hey, that's a well RPed character!"

 

“I am a girl!”

Your mother is a girl.

And while I'm stating the obvious, her adorable and spunky nature is basically the cultural equivalent of spitting in her father's face. Being so openly disrespectful to her family, even if it is just to show how cute and independent she is, would not be considered "okay."

 

The Issues Regarding Ouere :

I'd like to of course start off by saying that anyone from Ouerea is a snowflake. By definition. This is just how it works. I don't make the rules. * Any place with that many accepted spellings is just a hive for exceptions.

Time:

First of all, Ouerea was colonized on February 3rd, 2438. It was very recent.

Let's say the village Mazaka is from was founded on that exact day. Mazaka wondered on her own for two years before meeting a human who essentially googled her clan to find the closest male to drop her off with.

This was nearly ten years ago.

The current year is 2458. Out of the 20 years of colonization, 10 of them were effectively a time skip and two of them were spent looking for a home. For the sake of entertaining myself, I assumed she was born on the planet. This would make Mazaka roughly 8 years old when she broke the heart of that nice boy who had just killed her parents and brothers. She's a heartbreaker and a killer, fellas! She's a young, strong-willed, independent Lizardwoman who don't need no man! And she's single because she wants to be ecks dee!

 

“My father refused because I asked him to!” She screamed, feinting to the left. Kladax readied a block, but Mazaka spun the spear around, and plunged it into his shoulder. A loud pained cry escaped his lips, and giving enough time for Mazaka to yank the spear out and stab it in again. She drove it into Kladax’s body, until it stopped on a bone. Kladax slumped over, and fell with a heavy thud.

 

She told her father not to have her married off? And the clan he refused responded by razing their homes and murdering them in the night? I have difficulty accepting this. What's more, I find it to be incredibly poor writing to have her literally killing him while telling him that she's too good to marry him.

 

The attackers might kill her if they knew she had just slained Kladax.

This note isn't quite as severe. Slain. Just a spelling error. You had it right in the last paragraph.

I'd also like to suggest the same friendly drinking game I brought up last time I responded to an extended writing. Take a shot every time the main character's name is used. "Mazaka" is said nearly three dozen times in the story section alone. It's not a big deal. Just a good game to get trashed to. And this repetition makes the reading experience harsher to the eye, I suppose. But seriously. Drink responsibly.

 

village elder

These settlements aren't exactly ancient. They wouldn't be backwoods hicks or tribals. In fact, the planet was largely governed by Human and Skrell officials until about a year before the present date. I doubt they would need a "village elder" to convince them that the aliens have something to teach them.

 

“You have to turn the spit,” Mazaka said. “That way it heats everything evenly.”

Did she just teach the guy who's been living on his own how to cook? More specifically, could this guy not figure out how to get the other side of his food warm? Is he thick?

 

Mazaka grew up in a quiet village within Ouerean, which had a bit more of a proactive view than those of traditional villages

1. The cities of Ouerea are quite large today. I'd like to take this moment to remind any prospective applicants that this planet could have had villages at some point, but I think it's much more likely that she's from a slum. Would the Unathi who agreed to settle under the watch of aliens promptly bug off and make shacks or would they settle in the cities they were building? Smart money's on cities. Urbanization. And eventual overcrowding leading to the fun slum-life it has today.

2. Proactive in regards to what? Surely not the attitudes of their children. Snotty little brats are out of control. Anyone who settled on this planet was fairly "proactive" in leaving Moghes before an all-out war broke out. This sentence seems to just be a thin reason for her "nontraditional" attitudes.

 

without a clan or family to support her, she had to learn how to protect herself

Apparently she didn't even need to then. She straight up killed someone in one on one combat without as much as a flesh-wound. She went from checking on her little brother to murdering a guy with no hesitation or regret with a few seconds.

Umm...I'll give myself 7.8/10.

Although it's easy to pick apart anything, you're not "bad" at RP. Do please keep in mind that your character designs have a tendency to be on the side of extraordinary or at least come across as similar.

Fire and Glory asked some great questions, and you have answered about half of them. However, it leaves the worrying thought in my mind that you submitted this application with a "half-baked" idea of what you wanted.

 

Originally, I didn't like Unathi. They're loud, annoying, aggressive, violent, and stubbornly backwards lizard-beasts. But I got inspiration to make Mazaka after reading up a little bit on their lore. And so, here we go! Maybe I'll discover they're not the violent monstrosities after all.

This reads like a joke. "Man, this race is a bunch of idiots. Maybe I can make one that's not shit, am I right?" As much as I enjoy cyberbullying jackboot and insulting his work to his face, I haven't had the gumption to make a joke application. I've got to remember to do that later...

Now I have to back up and say some nice things about the Unathi.

They're loud, annoying, aggressive, violent, and stubbornly backwards lizard-beasts. If this is what you're seeking to prove wrong with Mazaka, you're doing it in a funny way. Being from a one-horse village with an elder and missionaries when there's perfectly fine cities nearby. Making her backstory include the murder of her family because someone "loved her too much" or was "too dishonored" by being denied a wife to add to his literal harem.

Maybe I'll discover they're not the violent monstrosities after all. Mazaka literally killed a dude who was saying he didn't want to hurt her.

You're saying you'll be countering the stereotypes by making a "loud, annoying, aggressive, violent, and stubbornly backwards lizard-beasts" who is even louder and more aggressive.

 

they shun technology

What?

I'm at a loss here. It looks like nobody else is actually reading this application. Even if we ignore the "lore" because history is "too constrictive", this character design is objectively ridiculous.

The people who commented on this app, as far as I know, are pretty capable in their own right. Did only three of us read it? Am I just overly critical? Is this real life?

I can't even begin to approve of this application.

Please.

Take the feedback.

Neb.

You're better than this.

You can do better than this.

-1.

[Alberyk]

Besides the points that Kaed and Loow raised, such as the character being just the amalgamation of the opposite of certain aspects of the traditional unathi culture, "a strong independent female unathi that needs no male." and some conflict with the story and the settled lore of the species.

The fact that the backstory happens on Ouere makes little sense, because the planet in question was already under the influence of humans and skrells, besides most of the settlements and cities are rather new and probably more technological advanced than the ones in Moghes. Unathi are not primitives tribals fighting with wooden spears, neither they "shun technology", the opposite is stated in the wiki. So, it seems to be based in stereotypes that don't match with the lore of the unathi species.

Until the points stated and questions presented are not revised, I believe that I stand as a -1 for this application.

[NebulaFlare]

Alright then. Genuine thanks to Kaed, Loow, and...Alberyk too I guess. (teasing. Of course sincere thank you to all three.)

I did read the lore, from top to bottom. The honest impression I received from it gave me enough evidence that somewhere in Ouere, there were still out-of-the-way villages in the middle of nowhere. Tech would be evident, but just not as prevalent as the cities. Honestly, Mazaka was going to come from a single family in the middle of nowhere who raised livestock. But that felt too improbable for a clan-based species, so I changed it to a village. Still out in the middle of nowhere, but now with contact from other species.

I didn't want the impression that 'she doesn't need a man'. Her happy life was ripped from her, and she was forced to be alone. She had to become her own Man - not out of choice, but out of necessity to survive. The main reason for her travel was that she was searching for her own clan to return to. She had nowhere to go. Other villages wouldn't accept her - because as stated, no one would take in a woman like herself. She was alone, with only her baby brother. In fact, if it wasn't for Lo'xik, she might have just willingly wandered into the desert and die. She did everything she could to protect her remaining sibling.

That sibling teasing she displayed with her brother - that was family. I...personally do that all the time with my brother. We tease the heck out of each other. Perhaps that was my bad in humanizing her too much, and that is where it erred. I did just lazily write off "oh hey, let's practice tomorrow." I cut out a section that explained a bit of better detail, where her brothers and her, while they were young, used to rough play. This eventually evolved into the brothers using it as an excuse to test their weapons and fight against each other - for fun. Mazaka could then, in turn, go off and teach little Lo'kix how to fight like his big brothers. It just sort of snowballed and the father didn't have a real good reason to stop her, since she would finish all her chores just to hang out with her brothers. It was a useful incentive to get her to finish work.

Mazaka is the only woman in the house, so she had to do everything. The cooking, the cleaning, and sometimes the fishing, if her brothers were too busy making weapons. On top of that, she's gotta take care of Lo'xik, and teach him everything he's gotta learn. That is a LOT of work, and that builds a lot of muscle. There was no logical way she was going to be a pushover. She was gonna be a strong woman, no matter how it went.

I was going to have another large segment written up, where she speaks to her father about not wanting to be wedded off. This desire did not out of a sense of independence, but because 1) she was the only female in the house and who would be left to do all the chores for her busy brothers and father, and 2) she was concerned she would be mistreated by her husband. Her father wanted to find her a suitable husband to take care of her. But because of her lack of trust, he conceded and refused her suitor.

I did get the timeline wrong, I realize. (oops). If there was a segment of the wiki I did skim over, it was the dates. So I'll have to go back and edit that - perhaps she only wandered around for a few weeks/months before she found a city where she was connected with her other clan relatives.

As for the whole cliche 'burning village' bit - I'll be honest. Mazaka was inspired by a dream I had the night before. In that dream, Mazaka's family gets killed off one by one by an enemy clan, until she flees with her baby brother. And then is airlifted out of the desert. Soooooo.....burning village was used to explain why she's all out and alone with no clan to turn to.

As for her killing her ex-suitor: Well, she just learned that her beloved family were murdered. Originally, she was going to shoot the suitor with a gun, but then it ran aground of "Where is she gonna get a gun?" Unathi don't like guns. The spear made more sense. It is one of the easiest weapons to use in combat - yes, you should train with it to get good with it, but a spear is a fairly simple weapon. Simple in design, little risk of self harm, and it serves a nice purpose. I'd argue that any child of a weaponsmith would have been around spears long enough to know how to handle one. I even came up with the idea that she could have gone spearfishing with it so she knows how to thrust. Martial arts and combat all come rooted down to a very simple concept of knowing how to move. For an overly active Mazaka running all over the village, this really wouldn't be hard to pull off. In that fight, she had an advantage of surprise in two instances. Her ex-fiance hesitated both times. Panicked or not, hesitation means match lost. My logic was there, but I did not fully convey it.

Anyhow, I'll go and rewrite it to give more detail and depth - but I want Mazaka to be her spitfire self. Changing that about her would not make her Mazaka. She needs a clan to curb her overactive behavior. So to those who know Unathi lore, can you provide me insight on how I can keep Mazaka's strong spirit? Strong doesn't mean she's rebellious of her traditions.

[Fire and Glory]

I do feel somewhat silly for not actually seeing issues before they are pointed out to me, maybe I am bad or something, don't really have anything advice-wise but I do have one last question.

What would she actually do on Exodus? I don't feel like reading the backstory again but IIRC there wasn't actually anything education-wise that she'd know besides:

A:Knowing how to speak, read, and write Tau Ceti.

B:Knowing how to make and use spears.

And C:Probably knowing how to cook, and stuff.

Would she be a civilian or...?

[NebulaFlare]

I do feel somewhat silly for not actually seeing issues before they are pointed out to me, maybe I am bad or something, don't really have anything advice-wise but I do have one last question.

What would she actually do on Exodus? I don't feel like reading the backstory again but IIRC there wasn't actually anything education-wise that she'd know besides:

A:Knowing how to speak, read, and write Tau Ceti.

B:Knowing how to make and use spears.

And C:Probably knowing how to cook, and stuff.

Would she be a civilian or...?

 

Definitely civilian. I don't think she'd get into cooking, because all she knows is how to cook meat. She'd be either cargo, engineering apprentice or security cadet.

[Nikov]

I think characters which are inversions of the common trope are perfectly acceptable when executed by skilled players. There is a difference between being unique for its own sake, and being unique to form a contrast to the norm.

- 1/2. Okay fine, +1.

[Guest Marlon Phoenix]

Hello! This is quite a popular application and I've been waiting a bit more to have all the conversation spark up and continue on. Things seem to have calmed down so I've decided to make my position now.

A lot of what I would say has been echoed by Kaed's post and Loow's post. I'll try to give feedback and provide in-depth explanations for what I can, but first I want to hit the major things that hit me with the application and then go more in depth.

From my perspective you made it very clear that you are subverting the tropes of the Unathi for the virtue of subverting them. That seems to be the objective, process, and end-goal. With these in mind the character created, Mazaka Sslinaekiir, reads as a combination of tropes that makes decisions for the purpose of being different, rather than being a character that can stand and exist on their own merits. I am always open to seeing how players explore subverting elements of lore, but doing it in your whitelist application is tricky because you need to do the extra work of showing you still understand the major elements as well as the nuances of a race well enough to subvert it properly.

 

They are very deeply seated in culture and traditions. They don't like to change, and they shun technology. They are also very honor-driven, moreso than a human.

 

This also stood for me because again it makes it appear that you're basing your knowledge, and thus your character, on stereotypes. The italiczed area is what I found the most important. I stressed in several parts of the wiki page that the Unathi aren't backwards savages. Prior to human arrival they had a modern society. They had electricity, cars, airplanes, paved roads, phones, computers, vaccinations, mass media; all the elements of a modern society similar to 21st century Earth. The major thing that made it different was that all of these things were developed slowly not because they're dumb lizards but because they tried to integrate them in a way that let it blend in with their customs and traditions. They're not backwards, they are meticulous because the merit of "A Thing" isn't based on how rich or successful it makes you, your business, or your country, but rather how it does these things while letting you still say you're a proper Unathi.

I want to avoid major history lessons, but I thought it important to stress this because many people overlook this aspect of the Unathi and fall into the trap of thinking they're all just a bunch of spear chuckers. This repeats itself throughout the application - Kaed articulated it better than I could have.

 

Two of the strongest mentalities the unathi possess is a sense of family and clan, and a perception of the honor of combat. An orphan female without a clan, especially since that clan was defeated in battle, would be essentially trash to any other unathi community - I don't care how much influence you think skrell and human culture have on Ourere, a people don't abandon their core principles in less than a half century of colony life.

 

This application and its feedback have been very insightful and made me realize that we would benefit from me expanding information on Ourea, the oft-neglected colony.

There is nothing that says villages do not exist on Ourea. Villages and small towns still exist around major metropolitan areas, they just tend to get gobbled up as the urban center slowly expands. I personally have family in what was once a village that since my childhood grew and slowly got gobbled up by the major city nearby, much to the irritation of the residents. I only ever touched on the specifics of cities and life on Ourea in the map of the planet as well as some news articles. A lot of the major towns orbit huge mining operations by Haesphestus, but again there's no reason that some factions of colonists (or, eventually, refugees) wouldn't wander out to try to strike it on their own. We should keep in mind that it's an entire planet, not a suburban neighborhood.

This post has gotten very long already so I'm going to try to avoid anymore geography lessons and focus only on your character from here on, but I hope all that I addressed above will prove useful.

It is reasonable to say that a father cares for his daughter enough to refuse a marriage proposal she didn't want. History has countless examples.

It is reasonable to say she learned how to fight. I'm sure we've all seen disney's Mulan and are familiar with Joan of Arc.

It's reasonable to say that the rebuffed suitor would get offended and try to steal her like a lizardly Helen of Troy.

It's awkward when you have this happen on Ourea. This isn't a land with hundreds of years of dynastic politics, the colonists didn't come off the colony ship with their loyal soldiers and retinues. There were human authorities, and the colonists all had mobile phones - where were the police?

The "Village Elder" can be reasonable - unathi communities revolve around three things: Their religious leaders (priests or shamans), their political leaders (Lords), and their clans. Every community has Sk'akh priests or Th'akh shamans that they gravitate towards. You don't need to be backwards hicks as Loow said, even the major cities have lots of priests and shamans that their local communities revolve around, similar to churches in towns in the US.

Her encounters with the Guwandi are not reasonable. Guwandi are deeply shamed and are trying to atone for something unforgivable by letting themselves at least die with honor, or end up dead in the wilderness and not having to face their shame anymore. The vast majority of Guwandi would ignore her, or spew out their whole story about why they're Guwandi, tell her how to deal with their corpse if they lose then attack her. Or if they're assholes/desperate just straight up tell her they're guwandi and attack her. You do not have lunch and friendly chats with someone who have psychologically steeled themselves to suicide and are actively committing a more elaborate form of sepukku; they are focused entirely on dying properly.

It's not reasonable to use "ligger" in-character unless you're making a joke. I can look the other way if it happens on-station every now and then but you really should not use this on an application.

And you're thinking of "NanoTrasen recruiters", not missionaries. Just a small thing but it's important.

 

Mazaka is the only woman in the house, so she had to do everything. The cooking, the cleaning, and sometimes the fishing, if her brothers were too busy making weapons. On top of that, she's gotta take care of Lo'xik, and teach him everything he's gotta learn. That is a LOT of work, and that builds a lot of muscle. There was no logical way she was going to be a pushover. She was gonna be a strong woman, no matter how it went.

 

This is also something that confuses me because it so bizarrely goes against the entire scope of women's history. I took a class on women's history just last semester and i have to tell you that the exact opposite happens except in extenuating circumstances. See: the husband/men of the household are off fighting war/all died/all got sick and the woman is in charge of the farm or business, and starts taking her elevated position as a birthright. And this can totally happen - more on this at the end of this post.

In conclusion, I would normally invite you to edit the application taking my feedback to create a hopefully stronger character. But with the issues laid out by Kaed, Loow, and what I've posted here, the edit would just end up having to be a completely overhaul because the problems are endemic and it's major elements that need to be rewritten and it would probably be better for you and resulting feedback to have a fresh start.

You are of course free to reapply at any time. I want to see this character done well and I know you're capable, so I've already put thoughts into how you can keep the spirit of your character - a strong, proud unathi woman - in a way that can better reflect the society she is both firmly entrenched in as well as trying to break free from. I'd really enjoy if we got in contact and could talk about a reforged Mazaka for what I hope will be an eventual reapplication.